Checkers

It is so hard to determine if my Mother-in-Law is having a bad day or if she is showing signs of dementia. My wife has been convinced for a number of years her mom has been showing signs. I am not so convinced and truly think she does not know how to relate to her mother.

I still have my doubts as to whether moving her into an assisted living program, 300 plus miles from where she was living no less, was a good move. I have seen her mother deteriorate over the past few years she has been there. What I don’t know is, is it a good thing she is at this facility because she is deteriorating or is she deteriorating because she is here and is not given the opportunity to do things for herself.

In fairness, my Mother-in-Law has some opportunities to do some things for herself, but she refuses. She would rather sulk and mope and that just makes the situation worse.

The other day, I took my son over to see Grandma. The two of them decided to play a game of checkers. They have done this before. On this day, however, Grandma was insistent that the person playing black is supposed to put the black checkers on black squares and the person playing red is supposed to put the red checkers on red squares.

I tried explaining that it really doesn’t matter if you play on the red squares or the black squares (the rules actually say black) as long as all checkers are on the same color, since the game involves moving diagonally. She set up the pieces that way but was all confused and had trouble grasping the correct way of playing.

Later that day the three of us took out a deck of cards and started playing poker (might as well teach my son at an early age). This Grandma had no trouble recalling or playing correctly. Okay, she gets a little forgetful as to what beats what but I’ve played with many people who have trouble keeping that straight.

Ultimately, I’m not the one who can do anything. That decision will either have to be made by my Mother-in-Law or by my wife. Still, I do try to keep my eye on things and pay attention to how well she is doing. Sometimes, it is difficult to get a read and all I can do is hope!

Getting To Know You

I was over at my Mother-in-law’s today and made a comment tongue-in-cheek. I got away with it (at least for now), but the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced (and am convinced) that I hit the nail on the head.

My wife’s mom was going through some papers and throwing things out. She made a comment about not wanting to do it and I told her she could stop. She said that was true as ultimately this would become my wife’s responsibility (to take care of her estate once she dies- which is a number of years away). My mother-in-law then made a comment about how her daughter would just throw things away without even looking at them.

Now, my wife is meticulous with things like this, almost to a fault. She is very detailed oriented and has been taking care of her mother’s bills since her mom suffered the stroke. I know how careful my wife would be about going through things like this. So, I responded by saying, “It’s amazing how much you and your daughter don’t really know each other”.

This is definitely a two way street. My wife gets frustrated with her mom over stupid little things that she should let slide. She does not give her mom credit or recognize what she can do or try to give her some independence to do some of these things on her own.

My comment, which just kind of slipped out, is definitely accurate. Neither one really knows who the other is, or what the other is all about.

The Plot

My dad used to comment when he went shopping, how there was a plot against him. He would joke that just as he got to the front of the line, a cashier needed to cash out, or one of the managers needed to do a pickup of some money. My dad used to joke that at one point he was truly convinced they did this just because they knew he had gotten to the front of the line and it was a plot against him. Of course, he eventually came to the realization that while it was frustrating, it was not by design.

The other day my mother-in-law called while my son was doing homework. My wife had just got him to settle down and focus on his work after about a half hour struggle with him insisting he was not doing it, when the phone rang. That was it, my son was no longer focused on his work. He talked to grandma and then refused to go back to his homework.

My wife was absolutely convinced that this was a plot against her. She knew her mom had figured my wife had just got the little one to calm down to do his work and she deliberately called just to distract my son. I heard her complain how she had just gotten our son to settle down and didn’t her mom know better.

Only difference was, unlike my dad, my wife never realized that this was not the case, although I can appreciate the frustration of trying to refocus him on his homework.

Selective Memory

I used to talk with my Dad about people having selective memories. We remember things not the way they occurred, but the way we want to remember. Of course they are based in reality, but we remember making a comment showing how intelligent we were or how we diagnosed the situation so quickly, when in fact that never happened. That is just one example. I do not think this is a bad thing, but it does happen.

There is a variation of that and this is when we want someone to do something for us, so we make exceptions, but we do not make them for other people. Due to the Jewish Holidays and then my son not feeling well, it has been a few week since I got him over to his grandmother, my mother-in-law. I got him there today.

I am fighting a respiratory infection, but I am on antibiotics. She told me I should stay away from my son so I do not give it to him (who do you think gave it to me). When I pointed out that if I stayed completely away from him she would not be seeing him today, her attitude change. It was okay for me to do that, but other than that, I should stay away.

My wife has Pneumonia. She too is on antibiotics and getting better, but she still has it, is not feeling great and is coughing up a storm. She too was told, by her mother, to stay away from our son. When her mom, however, needed something from the store, she called my wife to ask her to get it. My wife has to stay away from her grandson, but she can go out to the mall and infect the whole community.

Again, I do understand where she is coming from and I think many of us would take a similar approach. Still, it is important that we always consider the source and why certain things are being said. We do not have to fight out every issue but we can, and I think should, engage in what I call selective hearing. Sometimes the smartest thing is just to pretend you did not hear. That is often the solution to selective memory.

Hanging Up

My wife has gotten frustrated that, for the past few years, when the two of them get into arguments on the telephone, her mom will just hang up. I do not know that this is actually such a terrible thing, but I certainly understand the frustration. Well her mom called yesterday and wanted my wife to go to the store to buy her some things. My wife has not been feeling very well and refused to do it. And that point I hear my wife say in frustration, “She hung up again”.

Not less than 30 seconds later, the telephone rings and it is her mom calling back. I just hear the one side of the conversation. “No mom, you hung up on me, “ followed by, “Well then, we must have gotten disconnected”. This is followed by a little more arguing and then the phone being hung up.

My wife says to me, again in frustration, “I cannot believe she called back to see if I hung up”. Now, it seems to me that she should appreciate this call. Here she gets frustrated with her mother for just hanging up and she thinks her mom did it again. With this phone call, it would seemingly be apparent, at least at for this onetime, that it was not her mom hanging up. Since her mom’s line also got disconnected she (my mother-in-law) called to see what happened. Again, I would have taken the call as a positive sign, as knowing that I got frustrated for her hanging up, when that was not what she did, or was trying to do.

As I have said before, Oh well, I guess we are all very different people.

Back To "Normal"

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted an entry. Between the Jewish Holidays and my son not feeling well with croup like conditions, things have been crazy. The good news is, my mother-in-law is out of the rehab and back in her assisted living program. In fact, she does not even need an aide. My wife feared it might be a 24 hour necessity, or certainly around meal times and morning time. Instead, she was given a regimen, a walker and will be having someone come to her to do physical therapy. As things go, this is about the best to hope for.

My wife, not surprisingly, has been going crazy trying to get everything set. She wanted to make sure when her mother got back to her apartment at the assisted living facility, it had all the comforts of home. It is hard to know what my mother-in-law thought as no matter what her mom said, my wife would hear it a particular way. Of course, the reason she hears it in a less than positive tone is, that is the way her mom often reacts to her. That is the unfortunate part of this whole thing.

My mother-in-law has been calling numerous times a day to check up on her grandson. He is fine. It is a sickness, it is being treated, and there are far worse things that many other kids are stricken with, this will pass. Still, Grandma is concerned about her grandson. My wife, however, works nights and is trying to get sleep during the day and having her mom call a few times a day prevents that from happening. In addition, my wife is convinced that her mom does not believe her when she tells her something. “Could you please call my mom and tell her that her grandson is fine,” or “Could you please call my mom and tell her you will be coming over for a visit later today,” or “Could you please call my mom and tell her…,” you fill in the rest, are not uncommon requests she will make of me because she feels her mother does not believe what she (my wife) says. Again, this could be true or it could be perception. Problem is, if it is perception, than for my wife, it is reality.

Well, I guess you could say, things are getting back to normal.

Going Home!

If all goes well, my mother-in-law will get out of the rehab facility on Friday. They are still not reading to take the soft cast off. They are actually saying she will probably need it for another four weeks. She will need to use a walker for awhile. Still, they are releasing her.

My mother-in-law, who has wanted to leave that facility since she got there, is now a bit apprehensive. She is concerned and wondering if she should get an aide to help. The irony in all this. My wife thought her mother would be required to have an aide. My wife expected her mother to fight that. In the end, she is told she will not need one and she is feeling like she might want one.

I actually can understand that. She is anxious to get back to her place and see all her friends. Still, there is the concern she has that maybe she is not ready. It would be nice if this event helps her turned the corner. I would like to believe that she will appreciate now, more than before, what she has. I doubt that will happen, however. While initially she might let herself enjoy living in the assisted living program, while initially she might appreciate all the freedoms, it will not last.

I do not mean to sound pessimistic, it is just that I have been around her enough to know that at some point, she will get fed up and resort back to her old ways. That could happen after just one day, or it might take several weeks, or even months before it happens. It would be nice if it never occurred, but I am not holding my breath. At some point, she will start trying to run everyone’s life.

Well, enjoy what you have while you have it, because tomorrow can be a completely different day.

Announcements

This is a Paid Post

We spend a lifetime trying to assert our independence from our parents. The truth, however, is we realize how much they gave to us and we are willing to give back to them. While I usually write about the trials and tribulations of my mother-in-law, the fact is my wife and I looked to pay homage to my father-in-law (her dad) as well. He was fighting a losing battle with cancer. Instead of having the big wedding we had planned and we wanted, we did a small ceremony at my (now) wife’s parent’s house. My father-in-law passed away a week after the wedding.

While we did not invite guests, after the ceremony, we did send out wedding announcements. There were a number of places we looked and it is always nice to find new places, places that do different things, to see what is available. When our son was born, not surprisingly, we name him after my father-in-law. Of course, we sent out Birth Announcements.

Isn’t it interesting that any time you have a special event, or a “Save the Date” function, we look to spend money to send out announcements. The truth is, however, I have never regretted sending out such announcements.

Blowing Shofar

Yesterday my son and I went to visit my mother-in-law. It was a relatively short visit as we did not get a chance to head over there until later in the day. My wife had made some comment to her mom the day before about me blowing shofar at services.

The shofar is a ram’s horn that is blown on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (Yom Kippur to signify the end of the fast). At my congregation, on Yom Kippur, they urge all congregants who have a shofar, to bring it to services and to blow it at the appropriate time. There are often 50 people or more blowing the shofar.

My wife and I picked one up a few years ago. As a former trombone player, I can get some sounds out of the shofar (since the mouth positions are similar). My wife tried getting a sound out of the shofar with no luck. Then she handed it to me and was amazed that I was able to get a sound. She mentioned this to her mother.

My mother-in-law was impressed and since she had not heard the shofar blow at all over this holiday season (since she is in rehab), she asked if I could bring it when we came to visit and blow the shofar for her. I was happy to oblige.

I mentioned in earlier posts that I had hoped to do some cooking of holiday foods for her to help create a holiday atmosphere. I never got to do that. I sort of felt that by doing this, I helped create a holiday mood for my mother-in-law and that it helped.

The visit was relatively short, although we did end up staying close to an hour. It was a pleasant visit and one that I hoped filled all of my mother-in-law’s expectations. At least for the little time we were there, it seemed to make a difference.

Seeing Things As An Outsider

Isn’t it always easier to live someone else’s life better than he or she is living it. We can always see things better when we are not the one emotionally involved. Yesterday my wife was trying to get everything set for Yom Kippur, including the house straightened, and things set for both the meal before the fast and the meal afterwards, for breaking the fast.

During this time, her mom called her a number of time and my wife got frustrated as this interruption kept her from doing what she needed to do. My mother-in-law is no longer in her own house, she feels that she is not making her own decisions and the Jewish Holidays now only serve as a reminder of what she once was able to do in terms of hosting large gatherings but now is incapable of doing.

Not only is my mother-in-law not in her own home, she is not even in her own assisted living facility. She did a number on her foot and is no in rehab. The assisted living facility where she lives is a Jewish facility. They usually have some kind of service right at the facility and they provide shuttle transportation to all the synagogues in the area. The rehab facility she is at is not a Jewish facility. They are all very nice there but it does not offer her a religious experience, one that would be important to her. Even if she does not participate, it is important that there is something at the facility. At this location, there is not.

I spoke with my wife’s mother shortly before the Yom Kippur Holiday began. My wife talked with her for a little and then handed me the phone. When I hung up, my wife asked me if her mother was still crying (which she was). I could not help but think, this was not such a bad thing. And, we talk about the grieving of any loss. To my wife’s mother, the Holidays are now a time to grieve a loss, a loss of what she can no longer do; a loss of what used to be.

To me, this all makes sense. Again, being the outsider, I feel I have so much of a better handle on this. Still, while I can offer to help and do things (which certainly happens), I certainly am not the one to take over. I just wish sometimes my wife were a little more understanding of the situation (and that my mother-in-law were a little more understanding of my wife’s situation).

Fasting And Not Fasting

As we approach the Jewish Holiday of Yom Kippur, it is interesting what people believe and try to do. The holiday includes a full 25 hour fast, with nothing to eat or drink (including water). However, if you have a medical issue, than you are required to take care of it instead of fasting.

My mother-in-law is diabetic. It is important that she eat on a regular basis to keep the blood sugar at consistent levels. Every year she tells us she is not going to fast (when my wife asks), but every year she ends up fasting.

As my mother-in-law continues to rehab, it is important that she build up her strength, keep it up to the level it is now. She should be eating.

I do not know what she will do. The problem is, many of us how it so ingrained in our brains that we do what we need to, to make sure we fast. Truth is, if there is a medical reason, not only is eat permissible to eat, it is a requirement.

It would be nice if, in addition to trying to fast, we understood our body’s needs and were willing to make sure they are met, if the situation is like or death.


G’mar Hatima Tova!

Time Of Day Is Important

I have come to realize that when you are taking care of an elderly parent, or a parent who needs assistance, the time of day you talk with that individual can make a huge difference. My wife works the overnight shift. When she comes home, she is tired. She has not yet wound down from the pressures of the job (sometimes she does not even realize she needs to). Not surprising, she can also be cranky (of course, I am never cranky when I come home from work-lol).

It seems that it is at this time her mom decides to call her. I really think she should ask her mom not to call her until after 10 AM, or some time, where she has had time to unwind. She will not do that and she will be angry with me if I meddle and suggest it to her mom. Still, I think it would be helpful and hopefully cut down on some of the yelling.

This evening my wife had a bad headache before she left for work. I am surprised that she decided to call her mom at this point. She should have known how her body was feeling and listened to it. I think it would have helped. Instead the two of them ended up in a yelling match (again).

Sometimes we should let our clocks be our guide.

Stay Calm, Please!

Today my mother-in-law called my wife’s cell phone wanting to talk with her grandson. My wife was getting set to go to a meeting and listening to my wife on the phone, you would think her mom committed a terrible offense.

From my end I hear, “Maaa, I gotta go, I have a meeting in less than 15 minutes.”

“Yes, they are here” (obviously asking about me and my son).

“Call back on the house phone” and, “You have the number,” are not far off.

Well, my mother-in-law never called so after about half an hour, we called her. She asked for the home phone number and I gave it to her. My wife’s mother says, “But, that’s the same number you had in the apartment.”

“Yes Mom. We were able to keep the same number.”

Her mom, initially did not realize that we no longer had a phone at the apartment as well as here in the new house. Her mom did not realize that we were able to keep the same phone number. I explained to her all that we did and she understood.

Sometimes I really wish my wife would treat her mother like some of the people she works for and understand she needs to be patient. When my wife got home from the meeting, I told her what was confusing her mother.

“But, I explained all this to her,” she says in a frustrated voice.

Sometimes I do not understand why she gets so frustrated.

To Buy Or Not to Buy

Now that we are in our new house, we are finding that it is time to buy a bunch of new things. Not, that we have the money mind you, but we want to buy those items we need and replace the ones in need of replacing.

One item that we wanted to get it a desk for my son. Now that we have more space, we would like him to get into the habit of doing homework in his room. My mother-in-law made the very generous offer of wanting to buy something for us. My wife and I know that living in an assisted living program, she needs to be careful with her money. My mother-in-law said she would like to buy a desk for her grandson.

My wife and I actually thought this would be perfect. First of all, it is the cheapest of the items we were getting. This is not to suggest it is cheap, but the other items were probably about three times more expensive. We also figured Grandma would be thrilled to buy something for her grandson and that her grandson would be thrilled to have his grandmother buy this for him. It sounded to easy. It was!

My mother-in-law wanted to see the desk before we bought it. She is still in rehab and unable to walk. We want to get the furniture taken care of as soon as possible so we can have what we need. When my wife explained this, Grandma was not happy. We offered to take a picture, to let her come over and see it as soon as she was released from rehab, to try and make all sorts of accommodations. These were not to Grandma’s liking and she just yelled, “Never Mind,” so my wife and I figured we would pay for it ourselves.

Today, my wife, son and I went out to look at the furniture and buy what we needed. We bought the desk for our son, a desk he said he really liked. After this, my son and I went to visit Grandma. She asked what we did today and we told her about our shopping expedition. She asked me if my wife took the money for my son’s desk out of Grandma’s account. I was not sure what to say so I told her I didn’t know. Apparently, the desire to buy the desk is now back on and she wants to reimburse us for the desk and asked us to take a picture of the desk so she could see it (which of course we will do). I just do not understand why my wife did not suggest that in the first place.

In all seriousness, it would have been a lot easier on everyone if Grandma has said this when my wife did suggest it. Still, in the end, Grandma came through and it is appreciated.

How Can You Go Wrong

Growing up, I remember the feeling when an immediate relative was celebrating a birthday. Did you wish them a Happy Birthday first thing in the morning, or did you try and pretend that you forgot so when it was celebrated later that evening, the family member was surprised?

In my family, we quickly learned that you wished the member a Happy Birthday. Everyone knew we would be celebrating that evening, and if for some reason, it could not be that night, everyone knew the game plan as to when the Birthday would be celebrated. The feeling was, you could never go wrong by wishing someone a Happy Birthday on their birthday.

I recently experienced this feeling again. I had hoped to do some cooking for my mother-in-law for the Jewish high holiday of Rosh Hashanah. I did not do it. I know my mother-in-law is not where she wants to be for the holiday. She does not want to be in any kind of assisted living program and I think it is especially tough around the holidays. Worse than that, however, is needing to be at rehab, and rehab at a non-Jewish facility.

I do not believe my wife’s mother has taken advantage of the services they have at the facility the past couple of years, but she knows they are there. Now, where she is, they do not have Jewish services. As a result, I wondered if I should have avoided calling to wish her a good year, because it might be like rubbing salt in the wound and reminding her of what she cannot have, or if I should call her and wish her a good year, a happy holiday, since it would be inconsiderate (and possibly mean) not to do so.

I heard the voice of my parents saying, “Of course you call her and wish her a good year. How could you not?”

I decided this was what I would do. Still, as it turned out, I did not have, or was not given, much of a choice. My wife was talking with her mother Wednesday evening (before the holiday started). She said, “Here, speak to your mother-in-law,” as she handed me the phone and made sure I knew to wish her a good year. As I said, I had already decided on this approach as we were getting set to start the Jewish New Year. Still, at this point, I really did not have a choice, even if I had planned on something else.

“How can you go wrong wishing someone a Happy New Year”. So to all the Jews out there, and even the Non-Jews, I say to you, “I hope you have a good year”.

A Holiday Atmosphere

My mother-in-law is going to be in the nursing home, for rehab, for the Jewish High Holidays. The assisted living program where she lives is a Jewish facility. While she may not always take advantage of the services they offer, she does appreciate that they are available.

I would imagine it has to be difficult to live in such a facility on a holiday, any holiday, when nothing is being done for that holiday. Certainly, based on the importance of the Jewish High Holy Days, it would seem to make the situation more difficult.

As of the current time, I have not heard my mother-in-law complain about this. I am guessing, however, it is just a matter of time. What I would really like to do is find a time when I can make some of the traditional holiday foods and bring it to her. I would also like to get her a few religious items associated with the holiday.

I do not know that this will help but I hope that anything which can be done to give people more of a holiday atmosphere can, and probably should help.

I think my wife feels the same way and would like to do something for her mom, despite the difficulties of their relationship. The problem is she is not feeling very well right know and she is busy preparing for the holidays herself. It is probably very difficult for her to find the time to do it.

Hopefully everyone involved will be able to have an enjoyable and happy holiday.

The Lion And The Lamb

Sometimes certain people just bring out the “best” in each other. When my wife was talking with one of the staff members of the nursing home where my mother-in-law is located, the staff (I believe in the health care field) indicated that some of her mom’s behavior was due to post stroke dementia.

My wife is curious as to why, however, the behavior being attributed to this, mainly exhibits itself when she and her mom are talking. When my mother-in-law and my son are together, most of the time, she is fine with him. When I am with my mother-in-law, most of the time she is fine with me. When it is my wife, it is a different story.

Following our move into our new home, I had a very pleasant conversation with my mother-in-law and she wished us well. It sounded that when she had a conversation with my wife, it started out on a friendly note, but it did not take long until it deteriorated into a shouting match.

As I have indicated before, when it comes to taking care of things and making sure everything is in order, my wife is the person you want to do it. She is very detailed and keeps track of everything. I actually think that is part of the problem. My wife is doing for her mom things her mom used to be able to do herself. That is almost like rubbing salt in the wounds. The problem is, if my wife does not do it, it will not get done. I still hope to see the day when the lion and the lamb can sit down in peace, or in this case, my wife and mother-in-law. Maybe I am foolish, but I still think one day it will happen. I hope I am right.

The Power Of "Thank You"

The other day my mother-in-law called and asked my wife to bring her some sweaters and warmer clothes. She was complaining it was too cold in the rehab facility where she is located. The way my wife tells the story, her mom was very rude and demanding. Apparently she first left a message on the house phone. After not hearing back from her daughter for a few hours, she called her on her cell phone. According to my wife, her mom was very upset and annoyed that her daughter had not picked up the message on the home phone. My wife added that she demanded she bring her some warmer clothes.

My wife considered not doing it. She is trying to get her mom to realize that the way you treat people and talk to them effects their willingness to help. In the end my wife and son brought over some warmer clothes.

Apparently things changed for the better somewhere between the call to her cell phone and my wife and son’s arrival to the nursing home. Her mom told her she did not need all of the clothes she brought over but thanked her numerous times for bringing them and for making the trip. She let my wife know that she now had clothes there to keep her warm.

It is amazing how much better my wife felt after this visit. A simple “Thank You,” but one that is sincere, can go a long way. As I have stated before, I do not know how long it stays like this but I am grateful for any time when my wife and her mother relate well to each other. I hope it continues for a while.

Ignore The Phone

The plan was to go out to dinner last night. Nothing could be simpler, right? Well, you know that simply by asking that question, the answer is “wrong”. Just before we were getting set to leave, the telephone rings and the caller-ID tells me it is my mother-in-law. I suggested to my wife that she let the machine get it and that we leave.

My wife tells me that she won’t do that because all that will lead to is her mother putting in numerous phone calls while we are out. So, my wife answers the phone and her mother says, “You have to get me out of here”.

“What’s wrong,” asks my wife.

Well, we are back to the food issue and how the food is no good and all the problems with it. As I mentioned, I certainly can see the point my mother-in-law makes but it seems that no matter what they do for her, at any of the facilities, she is not going to be happy.

As we are driving to the restaurant, my wife calls the rehab center where my mother-in-law is located. She is told that they brought her mom the phone she ordered off the menu. I do not know how wide of a selection they had and if there was anything on the menu she wanted but it was, apparently what she ordered.

We have now arrived at the restaurant and are seated. My wife tells me she is going to call her mother back from the table because that way she will be prevented from yelling and screaming at her mom. She does so and tells her mother what the people at the facility told her.

Her mother starts screaming, so loud that I could hear her through my wife’s telephone, that this was not true and she did not order it. My wife is trying to respond calmly, “Mom, I’m telling you what they said to me…”

Again, she is interrupted as my mother-in-law starts screaming and then hangs up before my wife can get a word in. My wife is now very frustrated and really unable to eat. See, it would have been better if she just let the machine answer.

The Mother-In-Law Who Cried Wolf

I stopped by, with my son, to see my mother-in-law yesterday. We came by shortly before dinner time. My mother-in-law chose not to eat in the dinning room, so they brought dinner to her, in her room. It was a cheese dog, Italian wedding soup and pudding. My mother-in-law told them to take it away.

Her thinking was that at a nursing home facility that caters to the elderly, they really should have food that is more appropriate. I can see her point. Certainly I would think that something lower in fat and sodium should be available.

The staff was actually very nice and they were trying to see what they could find her instead. Egg salad was decided upon. She was told they would bring her an egg salad sandwich but she asked for it without the bread. Another member of the staff came back a little while later and told her that all they had were egg salad sandwiches, so that would be what they would bring her and she could take it off the bread.

I have to admit, the sandwich did not look very appetizing and it seemed to be scarce on the egg salad. My mother-in-law was not happy, but she did eat it (and then looked at me and said something to the effect of, “You see what I have to put up with here”.

The problem is my mother-in-law is like the boy who cried wolf. First, she is not always very friendly or nice about asking for something else to eat, or indicating that what they are serving her is not appropriate. In addition, whatever facility she is at, whatever they serve her, she has a problem. It is hard to know if, when she complains, there really is something wrong or if it is just her. And, while it may not be right, based on the way she treats the staff, they are not always so quick (or do not want to be so quick) to fix, or change the situation.

My mother-in-law needs to realize you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. My mother-in-law needs to realize that things may not always be perfect, but they could be acceptable. My mother-in-law needs to realize that in order for her complaints to be taken seriously, she cannot complain all the time, about every little thing. And, my wife needs to realize that sometimes when her mother complains, her mom has a legitimate point.

It is these easy things that are often the hardest to do.

To Visit Or Not To Visit

The question today is should I take my son to see Grandma. Yesterday I ended up in the hospital as I strained a muscle while packing some boxes as we are getting set to move. I was given quite a scare when they did an EKG to make sure it was not heart related and the technician said she did not like the way it looked and ran it back to the doctor.

The doctor wanted a second EKG done after they shaved some of my chest hair as he thought it might have gotten in the way and given them a false reading. It turns out that was the case (although it took than over an hour and a half to tell me that while my mind conjured up all sorts of images of dying, of needing heart surgery and who knows what else). So, the bottom line is, it seems like a did something to the muscle but I did not break it or do anything that would show up on an x-ray. I was told to take it easy for the next couple of days (with Monday being Labor Day, I shouldn’t even need to miss time at work).

Now, my wife points out with a strained or sore muscle, just turning the wrong way could aggravate it, just driving could do some damage. On the other hand, I do not just want to stay here and do nothing (and no one told me I had to do nothing). My wife told her mother that I probably would not be bringing her grandson over to see her.

I, however, like bringing him over. I like the way they relate to each other and how it seems to be good for both of them. I like spending time with the two of them. Still, I do want to take it easy. So, right now my son is busy watching television and spending time on the computer. My wife is getting things taken care of in the house (the place where we will be living as of next weekend) and I am relaxing and typing blog entries. I am going to play it by ear and see about heading over to Grandma’s and see what my son wants to do, or if he comes and asks if we can visit.

Fortunately he has been over there a couple of times this week (although never enough for Grandma), so even if we do not get there, I am not depriving a grandmother of seeing her grandson for an entire week.

You're Right, And You're Right, And You're Right Too

My mother-in-law wants to have some money, some cash lying around her nursing home room. I can actually understand this. If she wants to get something, she does not want to have to call her daughter to bring her cash. Sometimes you just want to be able to buy something. My wife has told her she has an account set up at the facility so if she want to get her hair done, or something like that, she can and does not need to have cash. Her mom still wants to have some money nearby. Even with the account set up, I can understand where my mother-in-law is coming from.

My wife has a different attitude. She says that people are told not to keep cash around in such facilities because it tends to go “walking”. My wife says even when she is in a more secure environment, like her assisted living program, she has a tendency to misplace things and then call my wife and tell her that the staff has taken these items. My wife is right, her mother does do that. My wife feels that when she misplaces the cash at the nursing home (or when someone truly does take it), she will be getting a call from her mom and it will become my wife’s problem even though there is nothing she can do. My wife feels that with the account set up, anything her mom needs, she can get. I can certainly understand where my wife is coming from.

I do not know the answer or solution. The whole situation reminds me of a scene from Fiddler on the Roof. It is what I call the “You’re Right, You’re Right and You’re Right Too scenario”. In the movie, two sides plead their case to Tevya (I don’t even remember what the case is). After hearing the first side, Tevya says, “You know, you’re right”. Upon hearing the other person plead the other side of the case, Tevya says, “You know, you’re right.” When a bystander asks, “How can they both be right?”, Tevya replies, “You know, you’re right too.”

I hear my mother-in-law’s side and I say to myself, “you know, you’re right”. I hear my wife’s side and I say to myself, “you know, your right”. I then ask myself how can they both be right and I answer by saying, “you know, you’re right too”.

I do not know the answer to the situation, I just hope something can be worked out to everyone’s satisfaction.

House Painting And Visiting Grandma

You have read numerous comments on this blog about my son and how he relates to his grandmother. The power that he has to help people heal and his willingness, most times, to do so. Today it is my pleasure just to praise him for what he does.

As I mentioned previously, my wife and I bought a house earlier this month. We are in the process of moving things in and getting it setup but we are still living in the apartment. This means there is not much for him to do at the house (although I did bring over a small TV, a VCR and some tapes. My wife was at the house painting today and he did an EXCELLENT job staying out of the way (that is what my wife reported back to me since I was not there) and accepting the fact that this needed to get done (which meant spending less time with him).

When my wife finished priming they needed to give it some time to dry before painting. The two of them decided to visit Grandma at the rehab center. Here he was, cooped up all morning and now he has the opportunity to do something and he wants to visit Grandma. He was told they would go out to lunch afterwards but my wife had planned on doing that anyway since she knew it would be, or could be, frustrating for him to be at the house with little to do.

Yes, I can get frustrated with him at times but I am really very fortunate. Thank you to my wife for painting and my son for staying out of her way AND visiting Grandma.

Talking On The Phone

A few years ago, my son must have been four or five, my father bought him a present. My son called to thank Grandpa for the present. Instead of my dad saying, “Your Welcome,” this four or five year old got the lecture. My dad told him he was great at calling to say thank you when he got a present but when he (my dad) called and asked to speak to my son, my son would usually say he did not want to talk to Grandpa on the phone. My dad told him this did not cut it and he needed to talk not only when a present was sent but when some asked to speak to him as well.

“Dad,” I responded, “he is five years old. You are going to lecture a five year old about phone etiquette? When a child calls to say thank you, the only appropriate response is your welcome”. Well, my father certainly heard me on this and I give him credit because he always was willing to listen to such criticisms.

Now, a few years later, I wish my son would understand the power he has to make people feel better simply by talking to them on the phone. Grandma called today (my wife’s mother—the only living grandparent he has left). In rehab, she has her good days and her bad days. This is true out of rehab but when things are changed from the norm, it seems to be more difficult to cope. When my mother-in-law called, she wanted to talk to my son but he did not want to talk. While he is getting better and talking more often, I would like to see him do it more often as he had my mother-in-law in tears simply because he did not want to talk.

True, it is not his responsibility to keep her feeling happy or cheerful. Still, when something so simple can make a difference, I would hope most people, even a nine year old, would be willing to do it.

Bathroom Visit

My mother-in-law called my wife this evening to tell her she needed to use the bathroom. This sounded a little strange to me to as I only heard one half of the conversation (my wife’s end) but I got a pretty good idea of the other end of the conversation as well.

My wife asked her mother if she rang the bell for the nurse, so she could help her get out of bed and into the bathroom. Apparently my mother-in-law said the nurse had been in her room a little while earlier and when she told the nurse she needed to use the bathroom, the nurse told her she was too busy at that time to help.

My wife responded by asking her mother what she was supposed to do about the situation. “Mom, I’m 20 minutes away. What do you want me to do about it?” I do not know that I would have responded this way, or put it quite so bluntly, but certainly she had a point. Still, I would hate to think that a nursing home would be unable to help a patient get to the bathroom.

My wife did call the nursing home after she got off the phone with her mom. (I wish she would have told her mother she was doing this so her mom understood that my wife was doing whatever she could). My wife told the person who answered the phone what her mother said and then my wife added, “I don’t really think the nurse said that. Still, could you check.”

I would not have said that I did not believe the nurse said this, I would have waited to hear what the receptionist said first. Still, my wife did not ignore the situation and did what she could to fix it. I gave her a kiss on her forehead and told her she was a good daughter.

“If only my mom felt that way,” was my wife’s reply.

I personally think her mother does know that and appreciates what her daughter does. Still, she does not say it and since she suffered a stroke and is no longer capable of doing the things she once did, I think it is very difficult for my mother-in-law to accept the situation and that makes it seem even more like she does not appreciate what her daughter does.

Both GrandKids

My held my son’s birthday party this past weekend. My Brother-in-law, his wife and their daughter came to here to celebrate with the rest of my son’s friends. While they were here, we went to see Grandma. She had both her grandchildren, both her children (and both of her in-laws).

From everything I saw, she seemed to be doing great. She was receptive and friendly. She enjoyed seeing everyone, knew exactly what was going on and managed to do a nice job getting around. She is using a wheelchair and she was able to push herself. She also uses a walker to pivot from the bed into the chair. For years she has refused to use a walker, so it is a good thing that she is allowing herself to use it to help with the recovery process.

For me, however, the most important thing was just seeing how she responded to the grandchildren. She enjoyed having them with her, she introduced them around and had fun showing them off. She held conversations with them (sometimes she had trouble hearing them because she refuses to acknowledge she needs a hearing aid, but I think that is minor), and everything seemed to go as well, if not better, than I thought possible.

I do not know how long it stays like this or how long my wife will feel like everything is okay, but for now, I am just going to enjoy the fact that for at least one day, everything was great.

Medications

I am hoping that things with my mother-in-law are getting better. My wife spoke with the nursing home where her mom is for rehab and it appears that they were giving her some medication that does nasty things to her. You would think in this day and age it would be easy to transfer records from one facility to another, but that is not the case. Still, after my wife spoke with them, they stopped giving her that med and it seems to have made a huge difference.

In addition, they are giving her a behavioral medication. My mother-in-law would never knowingly take such a medication but they told her it was for her blood pressure and she took it. My wife is thrilled. She has felt that her mother should have been taking behavioral medications and anti depressants for a long time, but she refuses and she knows what medication she gets. Now with the rehab stint, it can easily be passed off as a new medication.

It appears to be doing the trick. She seems much friendly, seems like she is actually enjoying life and she seems to know exactly what she is saying and what is going on. I do not know how long it will last but hopefully for awhile. I personally do not understand why she refuses to take a medication that makes her feel better, but that is for another time. Right now, while all is good with the world, or my mother-in-law anyway, I plan on taking advantage of the situation and doing what I can to have my son visit grandma more often.

Warning Signs

For the past few years my wife has been saying her mother is showing some signs of dementia. I have not given it much heed. Based on their relationship, and based on my experiences with her mother, I thought this was just something that my wife was imagining. Yes, there were issues and I thought some of them could be tied into the stroke her mom suffered, but I did not believe she had dementia.

Yesterday my wife gave her mother a call and her mom told her she was talking to her granddaughter (my niece, who lives about 250 miles away). While my niece and her parents (my wife’s brother and his wife) are scheduled to come up here this weekend, we were not aware of any plans for them to come in earlier. My wife asked to speak to her brother or her sister-in-law. Her mom told her that it was just her granddaughter that was there, that her parent’s dropped her off. My wife then asked to speak with her niece and was told to hold on.

At this point, my wife was thinking maybe she really was visiting, if her mom told her to hand on. Still it was her mom who got back on the phone saying the granddaughter did not feel like talking on the phone. My wife called the facility where her mom was staying and asked if anyone had come in to visit her that morning. She was told “No”. The person at the rehab center with which my wife spoke, however, told her that her mom was carrying on a conversation the night before with her parents, who were under the bed. My mother-in-law’s parents have been dead for 40 years.

I am hoping that maybe the facility gave my mother-in-law some kind of medication to which she had a reaction. There are certain medicines that do make my mother-in-law hallucinate. Still, at this point, I do not think the warning signs can be ignored. I think there have to be some test run to find out exactly what we are dealing with.

Unfortunately what my hopes are do not match what I now believe to be the reality of the situation.

The Riot Act

It is amazing how fast a mood can change and how quickly that can change game plans. A couple of weeks ago my wife took our son over to see grandma, her mom. She was in the rehab facility and she seemed to reject him. My wife said, “Tell Grandma about Space Camp,” (The week long summer program he was attending that week) and Grandma said abruptly, “I don’t want to hear about it”.

My son loves spending time with his grandmother and for her, it is really the best medicine she can get. When she rejected him, he acknowledged that it was the situation and not him that caused this reaction. Still, he has less of a desire to see his grandmother.

Then, a couple of times since then when she has sounded pretty good, we had planned to take him over the next day. The problem is, her mood can change so fast, it is different from minute to minute, let alone day to day. On both occasions, she has called the next day in a bad mood and indicated she does not want him to come over. My son can be a handful at times, but with this he is so good and understanding. Still, it deprives him of time with her and her of time with him (which as I said would be wonderful medicine).

The other day my wife got a call from the facility where her mom is and they talked about a few things but one of the things the doctor recommended was not bringing over a relatively young child right now as her mood was not good.

Yesterday when my wife called her mom, she asked our son ahead of time (as she usually does) if he wanted to talk and he said that at the current time he was afraid to talk. My wife called and let her mom know she had to let other help her and needed to fix her attitude. She told her mom that her grandson was afraid to talk to her and that with the way she rejected him last time he was over, he did not want to come over to see her. She had her mother in tears and it seemed to get through. In fact, my son upon hearing this said it sounded like “Grandma is trying to fix her attitude,” and he did want to call her back before going to sleep. He did that and it seemed to make a difference. I just hope that the scare my wife but in to her mother remains and continues to help her fix her attitude.

For now it seems to be good but by the time I post thjs, let along by tomorrow, it could be completely different.

Pushing Others Away

My mother-in-law is on an emotional roller coaster, and she is taking the rest of us with her. She continues to be at a nursing home for rehab, but it is not where she wants to be. Some days when we talk to her, her spirits sound very good. Other times, they are low, but low to the point of being abusive to the people who work there and low to the point where she does not want me to bring my son to visit, and I do not think it is a good idea to bring him, even though a visit from her grandson would do her wonders.

Today my wife called and spoke with them and apparently her mom asked for some physical therapy but they said they could not give her any because the foot was fractured and not healed enough for it. Now I am really confused. If she is not able to get any therapy, why is she there? It seems if there is still a problem, she should be in the hospital where it can be monitored. Once it is healed enough for her to relearn how to use it, then move her for the physical therapy.

I know my wife was going to put in some calls to see what could be done. Still, it would be a lot easier and she would be a lot more willing if my mother-in-law were not so abusive. Sometimes the reason people do not come to visit, or to help her is, she pushes them away.

I do understand her frustration and the need for people not to let her push them away. Often times, we push people away the hardest when we need them the most. Even if we, the ones being pushed away, recognize it, it does not often mean we are able to accept it and continue coming back only to be pushed away again.

Hopefully this all works out soon.

Get Me Out

My mother-in-law remains in the nursing home facility she is at for rehab. She still hates it and my wife remains impressed with the facility. Today I got a call from her and she told me she did not care what I needed to do but I had to call someone to get her out of there.

The fact that it was Sunday made this almost impossible. The fact that legally I cannot do anything and have no authority in this situation along with the fact that my wife would absolutely kill me if I went behind her back, completely prevented me from doing anything.

“Mom, legally I can’t do anything but tell me what the problem is so I can see if I can address them,” was my response. She told me the people there were nasty to her and that they were bringing her food she cannot eat. In terms of being nasty, I know my mother-in-law is not always an easy person to deal with. She may not even be aware of the things she is doing but if she is being mean, nasty and rude to them (my wife would add abusive but I do not know), they may be responding the same way or trying to avoid her as much as possible, which could lead to her not getting the treatment or quickness to which she feels entitled.

In terms of the food, she claims they are too fatty. I have seen her at her assisted living program object to the food being too fatty even when the cook has said he did not use any additional fat. There have been times where I thought the staff there could have been more patient with her but clearly she was wrong about the added fat.

The problem of course is, I do not think you can just ignore some claims like this. What if they are true. People have ignored individuals who have claimed rape or abuse at times only to regret doing so. People have ignored others who make threats about committing suicide only to regret doing so. I think this falls into the same category.

I did tell my wife and she did put some calls in to see what was going on. It looks like my mother-in-law may have exaggerated things but still I am glad my wife did some checking and will do some more tomorrow.

Perceptions

It is amazing how two people can be witness the same thing and have completely different perceptions. When my wife went to the rehab facility where her mother is, my wife was very impressed. All the paper work was done very quickly, everything was ready for her mom by the time she got there (even thought they did not have much notice) and they were attentive to her mom’s needs.

Her mother sees the situation very differently. First she feels she does not need physical therapy. If she is going to get it, she is not at the facility she wants. The assisted living facility has a rehab/nursing home affiliated with it and it is right next store to where she was. This is what she wanted, but they did not have any beds. In addition, her mom claims they are slow to assist her. She says on one day no one came in to give her any physical therapy, or to even check on her. She claims another time, when she needed to use the restroom, they did not respond until 45 minutes later. She is not happy where she is, although realistically, she probably would not be happy anywhere right now.

My wife is sometimes too quick to dismiss what her mother says. If her mom thinks no one checked on her, or that it took someone 45 minutes to respond to her call, it seems it should be worth checking into. On the other hand, there have been many times when she has said this before, and it just has not been the case.

I really believe her mother thinks what she says is the truth, even if it is not. I think that a call should be made to check on things. I have tried to gently suggest this but I really cannot get involved because what will happen is both sides will just end up getting angry at me and angrier at each other. All I will do is make the situation worse. My nature generally is to see what I can do to help fix the problem but when I know it will just make things worse, I TRY to stay out of it.

Paying For Rehab

My mother-in-law is out of the hospital. That is the good news, but now she is in rehab. She is not thrilled to be there and does not want to admit it is where she needs to be right now, but she is in the right place. My wife is going frustrated getting her set up there. Still, as usual, she is doing an excellent job.

What I found amazing was a piece of information she learned while getting her mom set up. Her mother only spent two days in the hospital. Apparently, in order for health insurance to cover the cost of rehab, you need to spend at least three days in the hospital. As a result, her mom will have to pay the complete cost for rehab, for however long she is there (and it will probably be about a month) as well as needing to pay for the assisted living facility where she resides since she will, most likely, be going back there after she finishes in rehab.

I think it is ridiculous that you need to have at least a three day hospital stay. The bone is no more or less fractured if she only spends one or two days in the hospital. The treatment does not change. Is there a way that an individual can ask the hospital to keep him or her for three day (an extra day) if need be? It just seems silly.

Of course, I understand the need to eliminate any kind of fraud. I support that, but when these changes affect people who are playing by the rules, then I think changes need to be made. I do not know the answer, but the question does need to change.

It's Not A Plot Against You

My mother-in-law needed to go back to the hospital today. Yesterday she seemed fine but this morning her leg was bothering her and she was not able to put any pressure on it, let alone walk on it. She was taken to the hospital and it turns out that the bone is fractured. They will probably just put a cast on it and then it is physical therapy. All things considered, it is not too bad.

My wife is convinced this is a plot against her. We are scheduled to close on a house later in the week and she was saying, “I knew something would go wrong earlier in the week”. The implication being that this would louse up the plans to close.

It is interesting, if I had been in the same situation as she, if it had been my parent, there are two things of which I am pretty sure. The first one is that this thought would never even enter my mind. Of course she knows that this is not really a plot, but I would never even think that this was something going wrong before the closing, nor would I have any thought other than concern and sympathy for my parent. The other thing is, I would never even think that something such as this would prevent us from closing.

It is an interesting dynamic how different people react to the same situation. I used to be surprised how many marriages end in divorce, now the more I see the way different philosophies and approaches have to come together between both parties, I am amazed that more marriages do not end in divorce. (Do not read anything into that statement. I am in no way suggesting my wife and I are considering or would be better off divorced, only that it is a constant compromise when parents are involved.)

Fortunately, it looks like things are not too bad for my mother-in-law. Hopefully she will listen to the doctors and do what she needs to do. Hopefully my wife and her mom will get along through all this so we can do our best in helping with her recovery (and make sure it is all systems go with the closing).

Unusually Happy

My son and I made it over to Grandma’s place around 10 this morning. If you read yesterday’s entry you know that my son initially talked about being over there by 9am, but I knew that was not going to happen. Truth is, I was pretty impressed that we made it by ten.

We spent about an hour and a half in the water. While Grandma did not come in, she came down with us and seemed to enjoy watching him. While we were in the water, my son said to me that “Grandma seems unusually happy today”. I am not sure that she did but certainly she was happy. Even though she did not come into the water, even though a good portion of the visit was spent where she was not able to talk with him (since he was in the water and she was not), he still put her in a good mood.

Following the water my son performed some of the magic tricks he learned at camp for her. She did not quite understand what he was trying to accomplish with each trick, but still enjoyed watching him “perform”.

After this, we were invited to stay there for lunch. The problem is while Grandma may enjoy have my son there, with most of the residents of the assisted living place eating at the same time, it is not good for a nine-year-old to be eating there. Not only is the food not the best for a kid, or child friendly, but the environment is not the best either. While everyone there says they would love it, and while it is good for people to see him, if he is up and walking around, and just doing some of the things a nine year old does, most of the residents and staff do not appreciate it (I speak from experience).

The game plan according to my son was that I should take him home for lunch and then he wanted to go back later that day. I was not surprised when he changed his mind. Still, we did spend time with Grandma and it seemed to accomplish what it needed to do.

An Early Visit

Last Sunday my son and I did not make it over to Grandma’s house as my son decided he did not want to visit her. Tomorrow we are attending a work picnic for my wife in the afternoon but have decided that we will make a visit to Grandma earlier in the day. My son asked about visiting her from 9 until 3 Pm.

His thinking is he wants to go swimming there and the pool is open from 9 until 12 noon on Sunday. He also wants to have time to spend with his grandmother and since we want to leave for the picnic around 3:15, he figured we could stay until shortly before it was time to leave for the picnic (giving us time to get back here and pick up mom, my wife).

The thought is very nice, but I will not go for that. First off, there is no way he will be ready to leave here before 9 AM and even if he is, he will change his mind, wanting to watch television, or play on the computer.

In addition, as much as he loves his grandmother and his grandmother loves him, unless he is watching television at her place (and paying no attention to her) or playing on the computer at here place (and paying no attention to her), there is no way they will be able to find something to do with each other for three hours.

Still, as long as we get over there and we have some time to spend with her and she has time to spend with her grandson, I will be happy.

Lose-Lose

We are all familiar with the a win-win situation. This is the ideal when it comes to compromise. Everyone walks away happy and gets something needed out of the deal. After this, there is the win-lose situation, where only one person walks away happy. At least, however, somebody wins. Then there is the lose-lose situation, where nobody is happy and the decided upon course of action satisfied no one. Unfortunately in watching my wife and mother-in-law, it often turns into a lose-lose situation.

Recently a doctor of my mother-in-law wanted her to go for a certain test. It was requested that someone go with her to assist her, and to give the doctor a better idea of the entire situation (Even if my mother-in-law knows the history, and often she does, if you ask her, often times she will not give an accurate description). Since the assisted living facility where her mom stays will only transport people (if arrangements are made far enough in advance), they called my wife.

My wife was not thrilled having to take her mom to this appointment. It is in the middle of the day (the only day that week when she could have gotten some sleep), and it forces her to spend time with her mom in a doctor’s office, which she hates. (Her mom can become loud, and scream at her, and according to my wife, at times even slap her in front of others, so you can understand why she does not want to do it).

When my wife called her mom to tell her about this, her mom hit the roof wanting to know why someone had to go with her. Simply telling her it was what the doctor said was not goo enough. Certainly her mom does not want my wife (her only daughter, and the only one of her two children that lives in the area) to take her. My mother-in-law started screaming. I have offered my wife that I could take her but she (correctly) feels, if there is certain information needed about family history, she is much better equipped than I to answer them.

Honestly, I am not even sure if my mother-in-law will be going to the appointment (and it was one she wanted due to the discomfort of her foot). This, as far as I am concerned, is the classic definition, or example, of a lose-lose situation.

With A Smile

Growing up, my mother always said, if you are going to do something, do it without complaining, do it without regret, do it with a smile on your face. I have tried to follow this advice. If I go travelling, while there maybe some frustrating parts, I focus on the positives and let people know I am glad I went. If I am giving a present, I do not stop to think how I would rather have the money for myself to spend I something I need; I give it with joy. Unfortunately I cannot say the same is true of my wife.

When we went to Hawaii and boarded the plane only to be asked to leave because the play was not safe to fly, that was what I heard about for most of the time we were there. If we got out somewhere and our son has a meltdown, she will focus on that instead of the enjoyable time we had away. The same can be true about how she helps her mother.

As I have stated before, my wife does a lot to help her mother, there is no question. My wife works nights, takes care of her mothers needs during the day and basically does without sleep or taking care of her needs. Still, every time she has to do something for her mother, I hear her complain. I can’t tell you the amount of times she has uttered something like, “Great, the one day that I had to sleep and now I have to do this”.

The latest such event was when my wife learned she had to take her mother to the doctor tomorrow. Sure enough I heard how this was the one day where she could have caught up on her sleep (trust me, if this hadn’t come up, something else would have. Either her mom would have had a need for something, in my wife’s mind her mom would have had a need for something, or she would have found something she needed to do for her self).

Again, I think she is a wonderful person for doing all this for her mom. A lot of other people would not (especially considering they never had the best relationship anyway). I know her mom can be difficult and does not always appreciate all her daughter does. Still, as my mom used to say, if you are going to do something, do it with a smile. I would like to see my wife do some of the things she does for her mom without complaining. My wife does not even realize how that can come across and how it can help lead to further tension between her and her mom.

Hopefully, one day they will both appreciate each other before it is too late.

A Magic Show

My son is doing a week of magic camp this week. While he has only been to one session so far (Today is his second but he is still there and I have not yet talked with him about it today, so I am only counting the first day), he really seems to enjoy this camp. He is already talking about going back next year. The leader of the camp, the magician, has told the kids that a lot of these tricks are not ones that professional magicians do, but since the children have to be between six and twelve, what he is teaching them is age appropriate.

One of the things they do is put on a show for the parents on the last day of camp. I certainly plan on being there and think I should be able to get there. I know my wife is there. I would love to ask her mom to join us as well. I think my son would be thrilled to have Grandma in the audience.

I can already hear the discussion when I bring it up to my wife. She will tell me there will be a lot of people there and her mom does not do well in crowds. She will tell me it is outdoors and she has concerns about her mother being outside for so long. She will tell me her mom can be uncouth at times (this is true) and if she feels her grandson (or any one of the kids) is not covering up the trick well enough, she will point it out.

I think the last one could be true. Her mom, when it comes to crowds, is hit-or-miss. I think since this will be outdoors, it won’t be nearly as crowded, or seem that way, as it would if it were inside. I think it would be good for her to get out and see this. We moved my mother-in-law here so she could be closer to family. Let’s find a way she can take advantage of being closer to family. I will even tell my wife that if it gets to be too much for her mom, I will bring her back.

I think I may actually be able to pull this one off. I think something like attending the magic show will do more good than any medication will. I expect to be able to say, “And a good time was had by all”. I will let you know.

Arthritis

The diagnosis is arthritis. That apparently is what has been causing my mother-in-law some pain in her foot, the pain she was complaining about. Now, the question is what will she do about it. She is refusing to take any pain medication, she is refusing to wear new shoes, and she is saying she is not even convinced it is arthritis.

Hopefully she will meet with the doctor and he will convince her that is what is wrong. Hopefully she will do what he says she needs to do. If there is some kind of medication he can prescribe, that will do the trick, great. If pain killers are the way to go and a couple of Tylenol or Advil can do the trick, wonderful.

What is most important here is that my mother-in-law be willing to listen to the doctor. I hope they can do something for her but more importantly, I hope she can, and is willing, to do something for herself. That is what is most important. Often times people refuse to help themselves. Certainly that has been the case with my wife’s mother.

I honestly do not understand. If there is something that can help you feel better. If there is something for you to do so you can enjoy yourself, why refuse. It is almost as if she is choosing to be a martyr and that is frustrating.

Fighting Through My Son

I think one of the most frustrating things I deal with is watching my wife fight battles with her mother, through out son. I find this very annoying.

“You know, when I was a little girl, Grandma did not give me all the choices I give you,” is a fairly common phrase to hear her utter. She might, upon giving him a present he has asked for, tell him that when she was his age, she wanted a particular present (maybe even the one that he just got) and grandma never got it for her.

I realize that this, in and of itself, does not relate to a child needing to take care of a parent, and yet it relates in so many different ways. First off, if my wife is still fighting these battles, still having these feelings, it makes it more difficult for her to be completely objective when dealing with issues surrounding her mother. In addition, it helps to create tension between my son and his grandmother. Fortunately he handles this pretty well, however, it also allows “Grandma” to actually have more control over my son than my wife would like. It is not uncommon for a grandparent to say “yes” when a parent says “no”, under the most “normal” of circumstances. Now, my son knowing he can get grandma’s approval when my wife, at his age, could not get away with the same things, plays it up.

On top of this, my wife sometimes does to our son, the same things her mom did to her For instances, my wife has complained that her bedtime was ridiculously early when growing up. Still, every time our son has trouble getting out of bed, she suggests that maybe his bedtime should be earlier (and it is already on the early side. I’m trying to make it a little later so he will have more time to get his school work done.)

I have tried to gently point out to my wife that she fights battles with her mom through our son and that some of the things she objected to about her mom are exactly the same things she does (That one is real dangerous to bring uo). Others, people who are professionals in this field as well as non-professionals, have also tried to point out to her what she does.

My wife has, in fairness, gotten better, but she still has a long way to go.

Oh well, why can’t everyone be the “perfect parent”, just like I am-lol.

New Shoes

Apparently my mother-in-law needs a new pair of shoes. I got home from work yesterday and listened to a message on the machine (my wife and son were out). The assisted living facility where my mother-in-law lives called and said something about checking for another pair of shoes and how they made arrangements to bring some x-ray equipment to the facility so they could take some x-rays of her.

My mind immediately jumped to all the negative situations. I thought she probably fell, and they thought it was because of her shoes. She probably refused to go to the hospital so they were going to check and see if she broke any bones by bringing the equipment to her. All sorts of conclusions jumped through my mind.

As it turn out, she was complaining that her foot hurt her and they were trying to check it out and see what could make it better. As it turns out, it appears to be arthritis. They are going to see what they can do to help make things better.

Kudos to the assisted living program. They did not have to bring the equipment to the facility. A lot of what they were willing to do were things beyond their responsibility, yet they did it. They were probably able to do more than my wife.

When my wife called to see what she could do, her mother told her to stop aggravating her. “Mom, I am not yelling or screaming, I am just talking to you,” was my wife’s response.

“Well then, do not talk to me,” was my mother-in-law’s response.

Watching the two of them interact is frustrating, on a good day, maybe amusing, but unfortunately they both have to learn how to relate to the other better. This would make life a lot easier for everyone involved.

A Useful Tool

This is a paid post, sponsored by Video Conference

 

 

I have seen with my mother-in-law, how difficult it can be when a child is caring for a parent. As I have mentioned previously, it can be even more complex when more than one sibling is involved, especially if the children live in different states, or are hundreds of miles (or more) apart. If my wife is meeting with her mother's lawyer, the ideal situation might be for her brother to be at that meeting, but that is not very realistic. Now, with video conference, it might be easier than you think. It appears as though it is worth checking out.

 

One of the nice things about this program is, only one individual needs to be running the program, so if I have the video conference technology set up on my computer, other people that I allow or invite can be at the conference or webinar. If there is a document the lawyer needs everyone to see, the lawyer simply open it on his or her computer and all parties can see it. By checking out the site, it does become difficult to find out exactly how much this costs, as there are different versions, ranging from personal use to the private branded version. The private branded version can cost around $15,000 but for individual use, with five people at a time allowed to be on the call (who those five people are can vary from one conference to the next), can be purchased for under $30 a month (and if I understood this correctly, you do not need to sign a contract for a certain number of months, so you can run it for a certain number of months and stop it at any time).

 

Video conference does provide a free trail for the personal version. I have not downloaded this myself, so I cannot tell you how long it last and what limitations it includes). It also has a live demonstration option, and this I did take advantage of. A little box with the picture of the person I was talking to appeared on my screen. I was able to hear him through the speakers on my computer and he could hear me through the computer's microphone. He opened up different documents on his computer that I could see and he answered my questions. Purchasing the program includes an hour to an hour-and-a-half training. He did end the conversation asking when he could follow-up with me and I did need to enter my name, phone number and e-mail address before I could take advantage of the live demo (so if you want to remain anonymous or not get calls asking you to purchase the product, you might not want to run this). Still, for those who have various needs, including parenting our parents, it may just be very helpful in dealing with certain situations.

 

If you have any knowledge or experience with this, let me know what you think.

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So Far, So Good

Just a quick update. My mother-in-law is still wearing her dentures, ans seems to be getting use to them, as her talking has become closer to what it was before wearing the dentures. She still is just eating the real soft food, like oatmeal. Hopefully she will soon get back to "regular" food. Still, so far, so good.

The Dentures

Good News, my mother-in-law is wearing her dentures. The dentist trimmed them a little for her and she said they still did not feel comfortable. He told her she still needed to get used to them and after a few days, they would feel much better. He even told her that if she could not manage to wear them all the time, if she wore them for a few hours a day, it would help a lot (How come I did not think about that?)

After telling her this, the dentist got down on his hands and knees and literally begged her to wear them. I do not know if she will, but when she left the office, she was wearing them, and that is good news. I have long been a fan of doctor’s who understand the importance of a good bedside manner. In this case, it was important. Rather than getting angry at her for not wearing them and taking care of them (and yes, I have seen doctors and dentists do this), he showed compassion, affection and humor. I do not know if it will work but there is certainly a better chance it will work this way than by almost any other reaction he could have used.

Still, overall, she continues to be in a good mood, so if the dentures work, and she starts eating on a regular basis, I think things overall will be much smoother. Yeah!!

The Dentist

So, how are things with my mother-in-law today? The answer is, I am not sure. She has been in a very good mood. She is being friendly and kind and it is enjoyable being around her. On the other hand, she is not wearing her new dentures because they hurt. I believe that they do, indeed, hurt, but the only way to get use to them is to wear them, even if it is a little at a time. Without her dentures, she does not have any teeth. Therein lies the problem.

Without the dentures, she is very limited in what she can eat. She is diabetic, so it is important that she eat on a regular basis. Earlier, her blood sugar was under 50. Again, she is in a good mood, but her blood sugar is dangerously low.

I am not quite sure what can be done. Certainly she should be able to find a liquid diet, or talk with a nutritionist or dentist in terms of foods she can eat. The best alternative, of course, is to put the dentures in and then be able to eat more.

As I said, I do understand the discomfort. I went through orthodontic work done, growing up. My wife never did, so I think she gets even more frustrated with her mom. My mother-in-law is seeing the dentist tomorrow, so hopefully he will be able to do something. Still, I think wearing them a little at a time is best. Let her try wearing them for half an hour in the morning, and one meal during the day and build up from there. The bottom line, however, is it does not matter what I think, it matters what she is willing to do. That, perhaps, is the most frustrating thing of all.

The Dentist

So, how are things with my mother-in-law today? The answer is, I am not sure. She has been in a very good mood. She is being friendly and kind and it is enjoyable being around her. On the other hand, she is not wearing her new dentures because they hurt. I believe that they do, indeed, hurt, but the only way to get use to them is to wear them, even if it is a little at a time. Without her dentures, she does not have any teeth. Therein lies the problem.

Without the dentures, she is very limited in what she can eat. She is diabetic, so it is important that she eat on a regular basis. Earlier, her blood sugar was under 50. Again, she is in a good mood, but her blood sugar is dangerously low.

I am not quite sure what can be done. Certainly she should be able to find a liquid diet, or talk with a nutritionist or dentist in terms of foods she can eat. The best alternative, of course, is to put the dentures in and then be able to eat more.

As I said, I do understand the discomfort. I went through orthodontic work done, growing up. My wife never did, so I think she gets even more frustrated with her mom. She is seeing the dentist tomorrow and hopefully he will be able to do something. Still, I think wearing them a little at a time is best. Let her try wearing them for half an hour in the morning, and one meal during the day and build up from there. The bottom line, however, is it does not matter what I think, it matters what she is willing to do. That, perhaps, is the most frustrating thing of all.

Whose Money Is It

It is amazing to me how two people who are married can see things so differently. Perhaps not amazing, but at times scary.

In a conversation with my mother-in-law yesterday, she made a comment about how expensive a particular service was that she needed. Basically it was a loud explicative that summed up her feelings. After looking over the bill a little more she said, “Oh well, it is only money, and yours at that,” implying that it would just reduce the amount of inheritance from her estate.

I told her that the money was there for her to have and enjoy life and use as necessary. I said that and I meant it although she suggested that living in an assisted living facility there was no way the money could be use to enjoy life. I feel sorry that she feels that way and disagree with her, but I have already posted about that. What I found intriguing was my wife’s reaction.

Upon telling her of her mom’s comments, my wife responded to me, “What does she mean, it’s not your inheritance, it is mine”. Of course, technically she is correct and I am not looking to “cash in” on anything. My wife certainly did not mean anything by this, but it still struck me as odd.

My father passed away about a year and a half ago. My mom had passed away a few years earlier. It took some time to settle the estate, and some things are still be sorted out. The money was split three ways, between me and my siblings (I would gladly give it back if it meant being able to spend some more time with either or both of my parents). During the whole process, I never considered this “My Money” or “My Inheritance,” even if technically it was. This was money coming to the entire family. Had either of my parents talked to my wife about “her inheritance” referring to money she would be getting after they passed away, I would not think twice about it.

The money, by the way, was used to get us out of debt (some each of us had incurred before we were married) and to purchase a house, one for the entire family. The money than was used for things from which we all benefited.

As I stated before, my wife certainly was not looking to start anything (and I did not take it that way or look to start something in return) and yes, she is correct, that is her inheritance. Still, that thought honestly would never have even entered my mind if the roles were reversed.

Bottom line remains, however, I hope my mother-in-law is able to enjoy that money as she is the one who should truly benefit from it.

Call Me A Worrier

Well, I had a bit of a scare earlier today but fortunately it turned out to be nothing, or nothing more than my own paranoia. My son and I went to visit my mother-in-law earlier today. We went up to her apartment and knocked on the door but there was no answer. So, we went back downstairs and checked by the computer, at the movie and the few other spots where she will hang out, but we did not see her.

Back upstairs we went and we checked by her friend that is not feeling well. She had been visiting earlier in the day but was not there at this point. I went back to her door and knocked but no answer. I tried opening the door but it is locked. Now I know my mother-in-law usually keeps the door unlocked during the day, when she is in her apartment, so I figured she had left, but I had no idea where.

I went back down to check at the desk and see if they knew where she was. They checked the same places I had checked and came up with the same results. I called my wife to see if she had any ideas. She got in touch with the desk and asked them to open the door to her apartment so we could make sure she was okay.

At this point I was a little nervous. I did not think she was there but I could not find her elsewhere. Well, they unlocked the door and she was not there. That was a good sign, but I still had run out of ideas.

The assisted living facility is connected with an independent living facility and some of her friends said she sometimes liked to sit out front of that building. I have never seen her do this (and I see her at least every Sunday with my son) but I figured I would check. As we were walking down there, who should come walking down the hall but my mother-in-law.

She went to the gym and while she was there, they had a movie on the VCR that she got involved with. I know the gym is in the same location as the pool and the swimming pool closes early on Sunday’s so I did not check there since I figured both facilities would be closed. I was wrong.

I felt silly for getting so many people involved, but certainly felt better that she was okay. My mother-in-law felt bad that she was not easily found when we were looking for her and apologized. I teased her that she should not need to apologize for taking advantage of the programs they have to offer.

Fortunately everyone was fine. I even said to her, “You look good,” and she responded, “I feel good”. I do not know if that was just a Pavlovian reaction or if she meant it, but it was the first time I heard her say something like that in months, so that was a good thing. Despite the craziness, it was a good day.

Out And About

It is amazing how it is so much easier to see things in other people than to see them in ourselves. For the past three weeks my mother-in-law has come out of her apartment very seldom (fortunately that is changing). When my wife told her that her friends were worried about her and wanted to know if she was okay, she did not believe my wife. Moreover, she did not believe she had friends at the assisted living facility where she is at. Acquaintances yes, friends no.

Now, unfortunately one of her friends is not feeling well and is refusing to come out of her apartment. I do not know what is wrong with this friend or how serious it is. I do know that my mother-in-law is concerned. I do know that my mother-in-law has called this woman “Her friend”. I do know that my mother-in-law plans on going over to this woman’s apartment to visit, and does not understand why she refuses to come out of her apartment.

It would be nice if this actually helped my mother-in-law realize that she needs to change her approach, that she needs to, or certainly should do the things she wants this woman to do. I do not really expect that to happen, however. It is so much easier to see things in other people than to see them in ourselves.

On the plus side, my mother-in-law did go on an outing a couple of days ago. There was a picnic in the park and she was one of the participants. Certainly it is good to see her starting to get out and about. I hope that whatever the ailment her friend has is nothing serious and that her friend is out and about very soon as well. I know that would be great for her friend, and I think it would be great for my mother-in-law as well.

Sibling Tension

When caring for a parent, it is crucial to make sure that all family members are on the same page. Even if one member has sole power of attorney, or the right to make certain decisions, for the most part, there needs to be some agreement. The fact is, most of the time, we live with our siblings long after our parents are gone.

Before my mother-in-law moved here, into the assisted living home where she is at, she was living in a home, her home, at the other end of the state. My brother-in-law, my wife’s brother was closer to her and did a number of things for her. My wife, however, certainly was involved. She was in touch with her mom at least once a week, went down to see her and when there was a problem, she was there.

Since my mother-in-law has been her, her son has been inclined to let my wife handle things. He calls infrequently, he comes up to visit less than once a year, and pretty much stays out of things, despite my wife calling to let him know what is going on.

The problem, however, is he is not necessarily supportive of my wife’s decisions. He let his sister know that he felt she was wrong for not gifting out their mom’s money. Even if it meant going behind my mother-in-law’s back, my brother-in-law felt it should be done to protect her assets. My wife will not do that.

Still, what is most interesting is, he has not been involved, has let her handle things, he himself legally can do the same things my wife can do (and he did not), yet he can criticize. When parents are going through these types of situations, it is very difficult on everyone. The last thing that is needed is for siblings to be at each other’s throats. Decisions and agreements should be reached early on in the process and all siblings should work together.

An Aide

My mother-in-law had a recent hospital stay, after her one day stay I previously talked about. Things fortunately worked out, but for a while, they were ugly. Apparently my mother-in-law told one of the nurses that it hurt her to sit up. The nurse had indicated that it was important and my mother-in-law pushed her away.

The assisted living facility where she was at did not want to take her back after this. This was considered abuse, and it may have been. I did not see it, I do not know how hard she pushed, or what her frame of mind was, or the manner in which it was done, when it occurred. The bottom line was, it looked like she may have needed to be moved to a nursing home.

She stayed in the hospital for about a week when the hospital said there was no medical reason for her to stay any longer. The nursing homes in the area did not have any vacancies, so it was a question of what we would do.

The assisted living facility told my wife they would take her back but ONLY if she had an aide, 24 hours a day. Of course, this would have to be paid at her own expense. If you add the monthly cost of the assisted living facility to the cost of a full time aid, the monthly fees were astronomical. Still, this is what had to be done.

My mother-in-law was miserable. She did not like having an aide and did not want to admit she needed one. In fact, at the hospital, before everything was signed, my mother-in-law told the aide service she could do all the things herself and got up to show them how she walked. I was there when she did this and she looked good. If she had done it earlier in the week to show the hospital staff and showed the staff she was willing to work with them, I am convinced the assisted living program would not have required her to have an aide. Still, she made her bed, so to speak, and now needed to lie in it.

Fortunately the assisted living facility decided after a few days, three I believe, that she no longer needed to have the aide, that she could do all these things herself. She was thrilled to be rid of the aide. The important thing now is to keep her grounded in reality as to how much she hated having the aide so she does not revert back to the way she was, refusing to eat, refusing to come out of her apartment, and refusing to do things for herself.

I hope we are successful because that will make everyone’s life a little easier, especially her own.

Coming Outside

Yesterday my wife took my son over to see his grandmother, and lo and behold, everything went well. Her mom seemed to be in good spirits and was glad to see her grandson. My son was happy to see ‘Grandma’ as well. Everyone seemed to enjoy each other’s company, and that does not always happen.

My mother-in-law is still very self-conscious since having all her teeth pulled. It hurts her to wear her dentures, so she doesn’t. Of course, if she does not wear them, she will not get use to them. If she does not wear them, she remains self-conscious. What tends to happen is, she does not wear them and then she will not come out of her apartment.

Yesterday when they were over there, my wife told her mom that her mom had a number of e-mails. My wife printed out instructions as to how her mother could access her e-mail account and then said, “Mom, why don’t you come downstairs with us and I’ll show you how.”

Much to my wife’s surprise, her mother agreed and the three of them headed down. As they got on the elevator, my wife realized she left the instructions back in the apartment and said, “You continue downstairs. I’ll go back and get them and show you how to check.”

Her mom told her not to and that she was not going to check her e-mail right now anyway. Still she said she would walk my wife and my son out. This is major progress as she was out of her apartment and downstairs where people socialize. I even think she is now planning on eating in the dinning room with everyone else. For some people that might not seem like much but for my mother-in-law, it is a major step.

Whining

This morning my son was in a whining mood. I hate when he whines and this was one of those days where everything turned into a whine. “I don’t want to get out of bed! I don’t want to eat breakfast! I don’t want to go to camp! I am hungry, but I don’t want to eat breakfast!”

I know we have all had those days where we have to deal with the constant whining of children, or other people we come in contact with during our daily lives. It is very frustrating. Like most people, whining just seems to go right through me.

Perhaps the most difficult and annoying however, is when you have to listen to a parent whine. I do not like listening to my child whine, but I understand it. But, when I have to listen to my mother-in-law whine, it is much more difficult. What is even more annoying about her whining is, often times she has the power to change this.

Before she suffered the stroke, when she was living on her own, I remember thinking how she would often refuse to recognize the reality of a situation. She used to complain that my wife and I do not let her watch our son enough. I would point out all the times that she did watch him and how it was helpful, but she refused to see it.

This has not changed. She will whine about there being nothing to eat at her facility. I have eaten there with her. I often check the menu. The have a wonderful variety and they give the residents many choices, each day, at meal time. My mother-in-law will whine about there being nothing to do and yet the facility sponsored many trips. Most of them she will not go on. She does usually go to the casinos, when that is the trip. She seems to enjoy herself, but will still whine that there is nothing to do and that she did not have a good time when she went to the casino.

As I said, I don’t like the whining from my son, but it is semi-age appropriate. I do not like whining from Grandma either, and it is not age appropriate.