I have to say that I am very pleased with my wife as I watched her interact with her mother at the Passover Seder this year. My wife did a lot of work in preparing for many guests. It does get frustrating that she refuses to let me do anything, as she wants to be able to do it all. So, as the Holiday started and we were all sited around the table, she had to be exhausted.
Her mother joined us both Seder nights. First, I must praise her mother. She was well behaved and, for the most part, did not start in. She recognized all the work her daughter did (not something that always, or even usually happens) and she appreciated it.
Then, towards the end of the festivities, her mother made some kind of comment; I do not even remember what it was but it was the type of comment that could be viewed as an insult, or at best a left-handed compliment. I do not think that was the way her mom intended the comment to be, but I am not sure. Still, it was my wife who showed great poise and simply ignored the comment. She did not argue, she did not get insulted, she did not even say anything. It was almost as if she did not hear it (although I know she did).
Yes, honestly, I was very proud of her and hope it may be a sign of being able to do this more often which I think will help everyone.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Disney
My Sister-in-law is pushing for her family and our family to take a Disney vacation together. Her argument is that the kids (they have a daughter, we have a son) are the perfect age right now to enjoy and understand and appreciate such a trip. She also feels it can be done for relatively inexpensive.
I agree that the kids are the perfect age and as much as I am not a Florida person, I think everyone would enjoy Disney. I am not sure it can be done for as inexpensive as my wife and I would want, however.
Still, money is not the main problem. I would be very surprised if my wife would agree to travel 1000 miles for a vacation and leave her mother back home in her assisted living facility. If we do the trip with her brother and his wife (the one who has proposed this idea), my wife would argue that there would be no one in the state to deal with any emergency should one occur. Even if her brother and family did not go, I know my wife would not go since she is much more detail oriented than her brother and is convinced if a situation occurs she would be quicker to respond.
It is a tough situation and I do not know the answer. On the one hand, I think it is important that our son experience vacations (and he really had never been on one in his life with the exception of going downstate to see the grandparents when they were alive and/or lived there). On the other hand, I understand the need to make sure her mother is properly taken care of. So, as usual, I will just roll with the punches and see what happens.
I agree that the kids are the perfect age and as much as I am not a Florida person, I think everyone would enjoy Disney. I am not sure it can be done for as inexpensive as my wife and I would want, however.
Still, money is not the main problem. I would be very surprised if my wife would agree to travel 1000 miles for a vacation and leave her mother back home in her assisted living facility. If we do the trip with her brother and his wife (the one who has proposed this idea), my wife would argue that there would be no one in the state to deal with any emergency should one occur. Even if her brother and family did not go, I know my wife would not go since she is much more detail oriented than her brother and is convinced if a situation occurs she would be quicker to respond.
It is a tough situation and I do not know the answer. On the one hand, I think it is important that our son experience vacations (and he really had never been on one in his life with the exception of going downstate to see the grandparents when they were alive and/or lived there). On the other hand, I understand the need to make sure her mother is properly taken care of. So, as usual, I will just roll with the punches and see what happens.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Stuck In The Middle
We went out to celebrate my Mother-in-law’s birthday the other day. After we finished eating my wife went home and I took my son and my Mother-in-law out. It was an interesting situation and perhaps is quite symbolic of what happens today when we need to parent our parents as well as parent our children.
We decided to go to the library. Of course today’s library is a far cry from what we had when I was growing up, not that I had anything against the library when I was a child, I enjoyed going. Still, today, there are computers with internet connectivity set aside for kids, other computers with kid’s games on them and areas for children to play, play dress-up, play with blocks, play with all sorts of toys.
My son wanted to get on one of the computers. My Mother-in-law wanted to look at the books in the large print section. My son, while usually good can get temperamental. My Mother-in-law while unsteady on her feet, refuses to use a walker and certainly not a wheelchair.
I found myself going back and forth from one area to the other, trying to look inconspicuous, trying to make it so neither one of the two people would see me. Certainly my Mother-in-law would have protested wanting to know if I did not trust her.
Certainly grandkids are great medicine for grandparents. Certainly grandparents are great for grandkids (and my Mother-in-law is my son’s one remaining living grandparent). I was certainly happy to take them both out but it is not as easy as it once was.
Well, I guess it is tough getting old, as well as growing up!
We decided to go to the library. Of course today’s library is a far cry from what we had when I was growing up, not that I had anything against the library when I was a child, I enjoyed going. Still, today, there are computers with internet connectivity set aside for kids, other computers with kid’s games on them and areas for children to play, play dress-up, play with blocks, play with all sorts of toys.
My son wanted to get on one of the computers. My Mother-in-law wanted to look at the books in the large print section. My son, while usually good can get temperamental. My Mother-in-law while unsteady on her feet, refuses to use a walker and certainly not a wheelchair.
I found myself going back and forth from one area to the other, trying to look inconspicuous, trying to make it so neither one of the two people would see me. Certainly my Mother-in-law would have protested wanting to know if I did not trust her.
Certainly grandkids are great medicine for grandparents. Certainly grandparents are great for grandkids (and my Mother-in-law is my son’s one remaining living grandparent). I was certainly happy to take them both out but it is not as easy as it once was.
Well, I guess it is tough getting old, as well as growing up!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Life And Death
My wife and I are friends with a couple who earlier in the week needed to put one of their three dogs to sleep. The dog was old and was having health problems and it certainly was the best thing and yet, of course, it is never easy.
As luck would have it, my son and I were over there this past weekend and we both had a chance to play with all the dogs. We did not know at the time this was going to be the last time we could play with Bear but I did know he was heading to the vet come the beginning of the week and certainly had my suspicions (I am sure they did to).
After they put the dog down, my wife told my son and she asked him if he understood what that met. He said he did. Later he asked me if they can do that, or actually do that, with human beings. Now I was left with the challenge of explaining euthanasia to a nine year old. The topic is certainly controversial and perplexing enough for a 40 something year old.
I explained to him that sometimes people as they get old indicate that if certain things happen, they do not want to be treated for the illness. I did not get into the idea of mercy killings and things of that nature. Even the idea of refusing treatment, in the best of circumstances, can be confusing and murky, especially in terms of parenting our parents.
I thought about my own father who indicated he would never want to be kept alive on a respirator, if there was no chance of survival and if he would have no memory of anything. I remember when he was taken to the hospital and I, as his proxy, four hundred miles away, needed to make a decision about whether or not to intubate. This was actually something he and I had never discussed and only after deciding to do it, do my brother, my sister and I come across a living will that stated he was adamant about no intubations and no restraints, something else that was done to keep him from pulling the tube out of his neck.
The problem was his living will further went on to talk about what to do and not do if there was no chance of coming out of things (as determined by two doctors). All the information the family had indicated that the doctor’s expected the intubation to be a temporary measure to get him back on track. As a result, he actually did send mixed messages as the belief among the family was he was referring to these measures when there was no real chance of coming out of it and that was never the indication we got from the medical staff.
There were many other issues that also became a reality, perhaps for another post but the bottom line is, the idea of ‘putting a human to sleep’ is certainly complex and has many intricacies and is a very real issue at times when children are treating parents. Ultimately in the case of my father, the doctors indicated he was not responding the way they had expected (or hoped) and it was just a matter of time. With my father’s approval and knowledge (again, a post for another time), we did end up removing the tube.
So, for those of you treating parents, please make sure you actually have an in-depth discussion about the parent’s wishes. It is not as simple as it might first seem.
As luck would have it, my son and I were over there this past weekend and we both had a chance to play with all the dogs. We did not know at the time this was going to be the last time we could play with Bear but I did know he was heading to the vet come the beginning of the week and certainly had my suspicions (I am sure they did to).
After they put the dog down, my wife told my son and she asked him if he understood what that met. He said he did. Later he asked me if they can do that, or actually do that, with human beings. Now I was left with the challenge of explaining euthanasia to a nine year old. The topic is certainly controversial and perplexing enough for a 40 something year old.
I explained to him that sometimes people as they get old indicate that if certain things happen, they do not want to be treated for the illness. I did not get into the idea of mercy killings and things of that nature. Even the idea of refusing treatment, in the best of circumstances, can be confusing and murky, especially in terms of parenting our parents.
I thought about my own father who indicated he would never want to be kept alive on a respirator, if there was no chance of survival and if he would have no memory of anything. I remember when he was taken to the hospital and I, as his proxy, four hundred miles away, needed to make a decision about whether or not to intubate. This was actually something he and I had never discussed and only after deciding to do it, do my brother, my sister and I come across a living will that stated he was adamant about no intubations and no restraints, something else that was done to keep him from pulling the tube out of his neck.
The problem was his living will further went on to talk about what to do and not do if there was no chance of coming out of things (as determined by two doctors). All the information the family had indicated that the doctor’s expected the intubation to be a temporary measure to get him back on track. As a result, he actually did send mixed messages as the belief among the family was he was referring to these measures when there was no real chance of coming out of it and that was never the indication we got from the medical staff.
There were many other issues that also became a reality, perhaps for another post but the bottom line is, the idea of ‘putting a human to sleep’ is certainly complex and has many intricacies and is a very real issue at times when children are treating parents. Ultimately in the case of my father, the doctors indicated he was not responding the way they had expected (or hoped) and it was just a matter of time. With my father’s approval and knowledge (again, a post for another time), we did end up removing the tube.
So, for those of you treating parents, please make sure you actually have an in-depth discussion about the parent’s wishes. It is not as simple as it might first seem.
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