Thursday, July 24, 2008

Planning A Bar Mitzvah

It is amazing the way different people operate. My nephew will become Bar Mitzvah in a couple of weeks. I have, obviously, been notified about the event and the family will be travelling down state for the event. Still, the other day, I got a call from my sister asking me about printing out address labels on the computer. The event is less than three weeks away and the invitations have still not yet been mailed.

A few years ago, some close friends were preparing for the Bat Mitzvah of their daughter. When it came to invitations, they went out late. When it came to putting a program together, two days before the ceremony, it was still being worked on.

My son’s Bar Mitzvah will be in about three years. I realize that is still a ways away but I cannot imagine cutting things so close. I may not be the quickest or most efficient but certainly I would not wait until the last minute.

My wife is worse than I. For our son’s first birthday, she booked the party six months in advance and had everything set to go. Certainly she would not let me wait that long and she would certainly take the bull by the horns if I did.

Perhaps those people know something I don’t. In the case of my friends, the ceremony came off just fine. In the event of my sister, I am sure most people will still get in for the ceremony. Still, I could not live that way.

Too each his/her own.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

I Want To Go Too

My nephew’s bar mitzvah is rapidly approaching and my wife, son and I will be heading down state for the festivities. We will be driving as that will be the easiest thing and I am sure we will all have an enjoyable time and I have every confidence my nephew will do very well. My wife recently asked, however, for my Mother-in-law’s address. I am sure she wants to send an invitation and it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

My Mother-in-law is probably going to want to go. She will indicate that since we are driving, we could easily take her. I already know my wife will not like the idea. First off, she is not going to want to be responsible for her mother for the entire weekend. Second, she is not going to want to share an eight hour car trip with her mother, actually two eight hour car trips within three days if you include the drive there and back.

The question is how it plays out. I am not sure if my Mother-in-law will really try and push this. I am not sure how my wife will push back. I can see this being a calm situation and I can see this turning into a major blow up. All I can do is hope for the best.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Talking Again

I think my wife and my mother-in-law are speaking again, but I am not sure. I love the way things work.

As I indicated in a pervious post, the two had gone awhile without speaking, about a week. My mother-in-law told her daughter not to call her if all she (her daughter) was going to do was aggravate her (my mother-in-law).

My wife listened. My wife decided that she is the one who does all the leg work and goes crazy trying to accommodate her mother’s schedule. As a result, my wife decided it was not worth it and did not call her mom or speak with her for some time.

Now, apparently the other day, my mother-in-law called and spoke to my wife as if nothing had ever happened. Such conversations leave my wife surprised and wondering if her mother regrets not speaking to her daughter and not having her daughter take care of all her needs or if she simply does not remember that the two of them were fighting, or at least does not recall the conversation where she told her daughter not to call.

I am a firm believer that a selective memory can be a good thing as it lets us remember things as we need to, as is important for us to recall them. Still, something like this has got to be a little confusing.

Well, let’s see how long they stay talking to each other this time.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Dignity

This past weekend, I met a new person at the Assisted Living Facility where my Mother-in-law lives. She is a person who just moved in and she was there with some family members, her husband and her daughter, I believe, neither one of whom lives in the facility.

When I was there with my son, this new person, along with my Mother-in-law and a number of other people, was in the library. At some point the conversation turned towards giving this woman all the necessary keys to the building.

The conversation started when the woman’s husband said, “Let me give you the keys”.

The woman’s daughter than said something like, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. She’ll just lose them”.

The new resident was arguing how she would not lose the keys but her daughter was talking about how she already lost a previous set.

I was thinking to myself that having this conversation in the library, in front of other residents, and in front of me and my son, had to make this new resident feel uncomfortable. I know I would not want someone talking about my memory loss, or what ever problems were being discussed, in front of everyone, including people I just met and strangers.

I truly think sometimes when a loved one is moved into such a facility, the family members not living there lose sight of how they need to be treated, of what to say and not to say in front of others, of ways to show the individual that s/he can still have some of the independence that was once had.

I strongly urge people who are moving loved ones to such a facility to try and find a way to allow the person to maintain some independence and some dignity. Unfortunately, this does not always happen.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Not Talking Again

My wife and Mother-in-law are at it again. My Mother-in-law wanted a checkbook and my wife was not so crazy about giving her one. My wife’s mom writes checks without telling her daughter and since her daughter is the one who handles her mother’s affairs, it makes things difficult.

My father always said that was one of the reason he did not want to gift money or have someone else in charge of his affairs, because to have to ask someone else for your own money is difficult. “What if I want to buy the kids a present” he would ask, “They are the ones handling the money so they would know”. What if I want to get something for the grandkids without letting anyone know in advance”?

I certainly understand my father’s reaction so I can see where my Mother-in-law is coming from. Still, when she calls, she wants my wife to drop everything even though she does not need things immediately. She wanted the money when she called even though she did not need it then.

My wife told her she was not able to just drop everything at the current time. Her mother responded by saying, “Don’t talk to me if you are just going to aggravate me”. That was three days ago and they have not talked since (so my wife listened to her mother).

The two of them go through stages. I wonder how long this one is going to last?

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Finding Humor

This past Sunday my son and I went to visit my Mother-in-law (MIL) as we often do on Sundays. I felt like I was watching an Abbot and Costello routine. My Mother-in-law and a number of other women are sitting in the library of the assisted living facility and the conversation went like this:

Woman 1: You know they are showing a movie in the Great Room.

Woman 2: When?

Woman 1: Now.

MIL: What are they showing?

Woman 1: I don’t know. (Looking towards women 2), “Why don’t you check?

Woman 2 gets up and walks to the great room.

MIL: So what are they showing?

Man 1 (passing by woman 2): Howdy.

Woman 2 (not having heard MIL’s comment but responding to Man 1): Howdy Doody.

MIL (not having heard Man 1’s greeting to Women 2): “There showing Howdy Doody?” (and upon getting no response asks) Who said they’re showing Howdy Doody?

I certainly do not like to make fun of people who have physical issues, in this case people who’s hearing is not what it used to be, but I did find the situation humorous. I guess considering I frequently bring my son over and do what I can to help out, I am entitled to occasionally find humor in a situation I should not view as funny.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Consequences

Unfortunately, sometimes our actions can have an impact long after the initial action takes place. A few weeks ago I commented about a Father’s Day Barbeque that we had and how my Mother-in-law just sat away from everyone else, refusing to talk or even have an enjoyable time.

My wife decided to invite a few friends over for a Fourth of July barbeque (and a Happy Independence Day to one and all). She planned this a couple of weeks in advance. This time she did not invite her mother. Since a number of the people were the same, my wife did not want to make her mom feel uncomfortable, nor did she want to make the other people feel uncomfortable. After all, if one of your guests refuses to get involved with everyone else, it can leave everyone with an awkward feeling.

I am not sure if my Mother-in-law would have liked to have been there. I am not sure if she wanted an invitation. Still, those of us who gathered found the evens enjoyable. The actions my Mother-in-law took at our Father’s Day barbeque clearly had an impact yesterday.

These types of events, events away from her Assisted Living facility, events with other people, enjoyable events are exactly what she needs. Unfortunately, behavioral issues that you have impact the future. This is not just true for young children. It is true for adults and for parents as well.