Don't Bother Calling

While I may not always say it, I give my wife a lot of credit for dealing with her mother. She has given up countless hours, and even days of sleep, to take care of her mother’s needs. She has done what ever she can to take care of her and to make things easier on other members of my mother-in-law’s family. Sometimes, it is surprising to hear what others have to say.

I got a call from my wife yesterday morning that she had just received a call from the Rehab facility where her mom was. The facility noticed something was wrong and was thinking another stroke or a seizure. My wife, when it comes to the day-to-day operations, tries to not burden her brother (my mother-in-law’s son) with all the information because he has made it apparent, through word and deed, he does not want to be bothered. He obviously feels my wife can handle it and probably feels she goes overboard anyway.

Still, yesterday, we were talking about a situation that was serious enough to have her taken to the hospital. Yesterday, we were talking about a situation where a woman in assisted living, suffered a stroke two weeks ago and while trying to give her the necessary physical and occupational therapy, suffered what the trained staff at the Rehab Center feared might be another stroke. Of course she called her brother. Certainly, she should have.

I was surprised to hear my wife tell me that her brother said she should not bother calling back unless it was something serious. To the best of my knowledge, he did not ask to speak to his mother or call her after he was notified of the situation. He simply did not want to be bothered. I find this response both surprising and unfortunate.

Advocating

What do you do when you are an advocate for someone and the person for whom you are advocating wants something different then what you feel is the best method of procedure. This is the unenviable position my wife is in.

Following the stroke my Mother-in-law suffered, she ended up in a rehab center. The rehab center has done a wonderful job with my wife’s mother but her mom is not completely healed. There is a good chance she never will get back to the way she was before the stroke.

The rehab center is located in a nursing home and the nursing home has openings to which she could be moved into permanently. My Mother-in-law wants to go back to the Assisted Living facility where she was before the stroke. Her daughter does not think this is a good idea and fears for her mother.

My wife has told her Mom the concerns and expressed them in a meeting with the people who run the rehab program to those people. Clearly her Mom feels differently and this leads to tension. While everyone wants what is best, sometime people disagree as to what that action should be.

As of the current time, my Mother-in-law is not ready to be released from rehab, thus there is no need to make a decision at the current time. Still, that decision is not far off. I hope everyone can work together to bring the matter to a conclusion and that when it is all said and done, everyone is still talking.

I guess, only time will tell.

What'd Ya Do Today?

I took my son over to see his grandma yesterday. Grandma is still in rehab following the stroke and my son has been going over almost every day to see her. It certainly helps with the healing process. Now, it I can only get my son to start talking.

A typical conversation when we go over there goes something like this:

Grandma: “So, what did you do today?”

Son: “Not much.”

Grandma: “You must lead a boring life. You always say, ‘Not Much’”.

That ends the conversation for awhile until Grandma asks him again what he did today.

As we were going to Grandma’s yesterday, I asked my son a question and he told me what he wanted to do was go back to the beach. My wife had a staff appreciation picnic over the weekend at the beach and family was invited. My son had fun going in the water and letting the waves push him back into shore.

Before he passed away, my Father-in-law (Grandma’s husband) loved the water, loved the beach. I told my son that he should tell Grandma about the beach, that she would love hearing it. Unfortunately, the response I got was that he did not feel like talking. When I tried bringing it up in front of Grandma, my son looked at me and said, “You tell her”.

Certainly it is not surprising that Grandma enjoys hearing it more from my son, with the excitement you hear in child’s voice. My son has done more than it is fair to ask anyone his age to do when it comes to spending time and helping his grandmother, so I can’t really fault him or put too much pressure on him. Still, I wish he understood how much it would help with the healing process if he would give her more details of his day (and then I too could learn what he did).

The Wills Are ...

It is amazing what we learn from our parents and how much like them we end up becoming, even when we promise ourselves otherwise. My parents, whenever they would travel would always make sure that the kids knew where the wills were located and gave us information in the event that, G-d forbid, something were to happen to them. As kids, we laughed it off.

After my Mom passed away, one time when my Dad was coming to visit me, he started giving my sister all this information. She stopped him. In part, she found it annoying that the discussion was taking place in the airport, as my Dad was getting set to leave. She did, however, admit to me, that she did not want to be forced to think about this at that time. My dad was frustrated when he got up here so, I sat down with him and got all the information he had and put it on the computer.

This, of course, does not mean thing don’t rub off. My sister and her family recently took off for a trip overseas. She called be before they left and said, “Not to be like Dad but, the wills are…” and proceeded to give me all the information. I guess, for good and for bad, there is no escaping who your parents are.

A Lawn Or A Life?

There is a book of Jewish ethics called Pierke Avot (or Ethics of the Fathers). One thing this text teaches is, a person who saves a life, it is as if he (she) has saved the entire world. Certainly it points out the importance and value of a human life. So I asked, what is more important, a lawn or a life?

Let me explain the above question. When my mother-in-law suffered a stroke, my son, her grandson, went to visit her in the hospital every day and still pretty much goes to visit her at rehab every day (or almost every day). Initially, when the stroke occurred, both family and medical staff were not expecting her to come through (hence the reason she was placed on Hospice care). It is certainly by belief that her grandson gave her a will to live and he is the reason she is still alive.

Following the stroke, my son and I were out of town for my Nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and upon returning, our lawnmower broke down and needed to go in for service. As a result, you can probably imagine that the lawn got a little out of hand and was in need of being cut.

The day that I went out to mow the grass, lawnmower by my side, our neighbor came up to me and started to read me the riot act about how bad the lawn looked and how I had an obligation to the neighbor and the neighborhood.

I did not say anything to my neighbor because the truth is, what was being said was the truth. Still, when this individual continued to go on and on, especially since I was getting set to mow the lawn at this point anyway, I did get a little annoyed. I made a comment about my mother-in-laws stroke but I am sure it did not registered.

As you can probably tell, I am still a little annoyed over this comment. After all, since we have moved in to the house, up until this point, we have taken care of the lawn. Perhaps our neighbor would have been better served to ask a few questions before saying anything. After all, I would make the same choice again, it came down to it. A life is certainly more important than a lawn.

The Power Of Grandkids

Ever since my mother-in-law suffered a stroke a couple of weeks ago, I have been watching my son, her grandson, and have been very impressed. At first, when we thought the stroke literally meant she had only about 24 hours left, my son rearrange his schedule so he could be with her.

The stroke hit on a Thursday and my son has a lesson Thursday evening. He was ready to cancel it but I suggested we just cut it short a little bit and he agreed. During his lesson, every time the phone rang, I feared it was my wife telling my not to bother to bring my son to the hospital because her mom had passed away. Fortunately that was not the case.

After his lesson, he decided that if Grandma only had a few more hours to live, he wanted to spend that time with her. We went to the hospital that evening and he stayed up past his normal bedtime so he could spend time with her. He decided not to go to camp the following day as well because again, he decided it was more important to be with her than to go to camp.

It was also obvious that my mother-in-law was responding to her grandson. She would reach for his hand and talk with him. We truly believe that he helped keep her alive. It is wonderful the power that grandchildren have and it is rewarding when you have the opportunity to witness them decide they want to help others, truly help others.

Another Stroke

It has been a while since I have submitted an entry on this blog and there is a good reason for it. Last time I entered something, I wrote about concern around an argument with my wife and her mom about her mom wanting to drive downstate with us. Well, that argument never happened.

Shortly after my last entry, my mother-in-law suffered another stroke, her third. It looked like this was the end for her. When she went into the hospital, her blood sugar was over 400 and her blood pressure was something like 200 over 78. In fact, based on the numbers, a certain medication that they like to administer shortly after someone has a stroke, could not be given.

My mother-in-law was unable to eat and kept pulling the IV out of her arm. In fact, they ultimately took her off the IV and moved her onto Hospice. A couple of days later, however, she was moved off, by Hospice, since she was doing so much better.

My mother-in-law was not eating, was not drinking (finally she drank a little bit) and was not getting medication, yet she was doing better. This is a woman who has said numerous times that she wants to die, yet the thought running through my head is, “This is not true”. Based on the damage the stroke did and what everyone expected, I believe that the only way you survive something like this is if you have a will to fight and, if you have a will to fight, then you do not really want to die.

At this point, she has been moved into a rehab center. It appears as though the stroke has done some permanent damage, but nothing nearly as severe as first believed. I think the positive to this is, hopefully, it will give my wife and her mom and opportunity to resolve any issues between them. Hopefully, other people reading this who have unresolved issues with a parent, will also decide this is the time to resolve them.

Good luck!

Planning A Bar Mitzvah

It is amazing the way different people operate. My nephew will become Bar Mitzvah in a couple of weeks. I have, obviously, been notified about the event and the family will be travelling down state for the event. Still, the other day, I got a call from my sister asking me about printing out address labels on the computer. The event is less than three weeks away and the invitations have still not yet been mailed.

A few years ago, some close friends were preparing for the Bat Mitzvah of their daughter. When it came to invitations, they went out late. When it came to putting a program together, two days before the ceremony, it was still being worked on.

My son’s Bar Mitzvah will be in about three years. I realize that is still a ways away but I cannot imagine cutting things so close. I may not be the quickest or most efficient but certainly I would not wait until the last minute.

My wife is worse than I. For our son’s first birthday, she booked the party six months in advance and had everything set to go. Certainly she would not let me wait that long and she would certainly take the bull by the horns if I did.

Perhaps those people know something I don’t. In the case of my friends, the ceremony came off just fine. In the event of my sister, I am sure most people will still get in for the ceremony. Still, I could not live that way.

Too each his/her own.

I Want To Go Too

My nephew’s bar mitzvah is rapidly approaching and my wife, son and I will be heading down state for the festivities. We will be driving as that will be the easiest thing and I am sure we will all have an enjoyable time and I have every confidence my nephew will do very well. My wife recently asked, however, for my Mother-in-law’s address. I am sure she wants to send an invitation and it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

My Mother-in-law is probably going to want to go. She will indicate that since we are driving, we could easily take her. I already know my wife will not like the idea. First off, she is not going to want to be responsible for her mother for the entire weekend. Second, she is not going to want to share an eight hour car trip with her mother, actually two eight hour car trips within three days if you include the drive there and back.

The question is how it plays out. I am not sure if my Mother-in-law will really try and push this. I am not sure how my wife will push back. I can see this being a calm situation and I can see this turning into a major blow up. All I can do is hope for the best.

Talking Again

I think my wife and my mother-in-law are speaking again, but I am not sure. I love the way things work.

As I indicated in a pervious post, the two had gone awhile without speaking, about a week. My mother-in-law told her daughter not to call her if all she (her daughter) was going to do was aggravate her (my mother-in-law).

My wife listened. My wife decided that she is the one who does all the leg work and goes crazy trying to accommodate her mother’s schedule. As a result, my wife decided it was not worth it and did not call her mom or speak with her for some time.

Now, apparently the other day, my mother-in-law called and spoke to my wife as if nothing had ever happened. Such conversations leave my wife surprised and wondering if her mother regrets not speaking to her daughter and not having her daughter take care of all her needs or if she simply does not remember that the two of them were fighting, or at least does not recall the conversation where she told her daughter not to call.

I am a firm believer that a selective memory can be a good thing as it lets us remember things as we need to, as is important for us to recall them. Still, something like this has got to be a little confusing.

Well, let’s see how long they stay talking to each other this time.

Dignity

This past weekend, I met a new person at the Assisted Living Facility where my Mother-in-law lives. She is a person who just moved in and she was there with some family members, her husband and her daughter, I believe, neither one of whom lives in the facility.

When I was there with my son, this new person, along with my Mother-in-law and a number of other people, was in the library. At some point the conversation turned towards giving this woman all the necessary keys to the building.

The conversation started when the woman’s husband said, “Let me give you the keys”.

The woman’s daughter than said something like, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. She’ll just lose them”.

The new resident was arguing how she would not lose the keys but her daughter was talking about how she already lost a previous set.

I was thinking to myself that having this conversation in the library, in front of other residents, and in front of me and my son, had to make this new resident feel uncomfortable. I know I would not want someone talking about my memory loss, or what ever problems were being discussed, in front of everyone, including people I just met and strangers.

I truly think sometimes when a loved one is moved into such a facility, the family members not living there lose sight of how they need to be treated, of what to say and not to say in front of others, of ways to show the individual that s/he can still have some of the independence that was once had.

I strongly urge people who are moving loved ones to such a facility to try and find a way to allow the person to maintain some independence and some dignity. Unfortunately, this does not always happen.

Not Talking Again

My wife and Mother-in-law are at it again. My Mother-in-law wanted a checkbook and my wife was not so crazy about giving her one. My wife’s mom writes checks without telling her daughter and since her daughter is the one who handles her mother’s affairs, it makes things difficult.

My father always said that was one of the reason he did not want to gift money or have someone else in charge of his affairs, because to have to ask someone else for your own money is difficult. “What if I want to buy the kids a present” he would ask, “They are the ones handling the money so they would know”. What if I want to get something for the grandkids without letting anyone know in advance”?

I certainly understand my father’s reaction so I can see where my Mother-in-law is coming from. Still, when she calls, she wants my wife to drop everything even though she does not need things immediately. She wanted the money when she called even though she did not need it then.

My wife told her she was not able to just drop everything at the current time. Her mother responded by saying, “Don’t talk to me if you are just going to aggravate me”. That was three days ago and they have not talked since (so my wife listened to her mother).

The two of them go through stages. I wonder how long this one is going to last?

Finding Humor

This past Sunday my son and I went to visit my Mother-in-law (MIL) as we often do on Sundays. I felt like I was watching an Abbot and Costello routine. My Mother-in-law and a number of other women are sitting in the library of the assisted living facility and the conversation went like this:

Woman 1: You know they are showing a movie in the Great Room.

Woman 2: When?

Woman 1: Now.

MIL: What are they showing?

Woman 1: I don’t know. (Looking towards women 2), “Why don’t you check?

Woman 2 gets up and walks to the great room.

MIL: So what are they showing?

Man 1 (passing by woman 2): Howdy.

Woman 2 (not having heard MIL’s comment but responding to Man 1): Howdy Doody.

MIL (not having heard Man 1’s greeting to Women 2): “There showing Howdy Doody?” (and upon getting no response asks) Who said they’re showing Howdy Doody?

I certainly do not like to make fun of people who have physical issues, in this case people who’s hearing is not what it used to be, but I did find the situation humorous. I guess considering I frequently bring my son over and do what I can to help out, I am entitled to occasionally find humor in a situation I should not view as funny.

Consequences

Unfortunately, sometimes our actions can have an impact long after the initial action takes place. A few weeks ago I commented about a Father’s Day Barbeque that we had and how my Mother-in-law just sat away from everyone else, refusing to talk or even have an enjoyable time.

My wife decided to invite a few friends over for a Fourth of July barbeque (and a Happy Independence Day to one and all). She planned this a couple of weeks in advance. This time she did not invite her mother. Since a number of the people were the same, my wife did not want to make her mom feel uncomfortable, nor did she want to make the other people feel uncomfortable. After all, if one of your guests refuses to get involved with everyone else, it can leave everyone with an awkward feeling.

I am not sure if my Mother-in-law would have liked to have been there. I am not sure if she wanted an invitation. Still, those of us who gathered found the evens enjoyable. The actions my Mother-in-law took at our Father’s Day barbeque clearly had an impact yesterday.

These types of events, events away from her Assisted Living facility, events with other people, enjoyable events are exactly what she needs. Unfortunately, behavioral issues that you have impact the future. This is not just true for young children. It is true for adults and for parents as well.

Take Him Home

I remember one time when I was talking with my parents and discussing how frustrated I was with my son. My parents immediately stuck up for my son and I asked why it was that they thought he never did anything wrong. I guess that is the prerogative of a Grandparent.

Well, my parents also said, “If you live long enough, you’ll see everything.” Well, my parents did not live long enough for me to see this approach change but I have to admit it is a little refreshing to see my Mother-in-law realize that my son is not always correct.

Normally my son and I visit Grandma on Sundays but this Sunday we all have a graduation party so it is unlikely that we will get over there. As a result, my wife decided to take our son over to visit Grandma earlier in the week.

Apparently my son was in a mood when they went over. It was nothing major, mind you, as he can exhibit sometimes. Still, he was being obnoxious and annoying. My wife said that her mom turned to her and told her to take her grandson home.

As I have previously stated in other posts, Grandma lives for these visits. Still, it is refreshing to hear she recognized his poor behavior and not only approved of us taking steps to correct it but actually recommend that. Usually she is quick to defend him.

My guess is, Grandma won’t remember this incident, or will recall it the way she wants, which is fine with me. Still, the fact is, as it was occurring, she did recognize it and acknowledged that it occurred.

Baseball And Parents

Tomorrow starts another Subway series between the Mets and the Yankees. It is a four game set as the two teams will look to make up a rainout from the previous series. That means a day-night, two stadium, double header. Such things are crazy and I really do not like it.

I do not know what will happen in the series but I am sure I will be having some arguments with my Mother-in-law. Since her stroke, there are a number of things she forgets. Sometimes her short term memory suffers and sometimes her long term memory suffers (and sometimes neither). Somehow though, she has never forgotten she is a Yankee fan. I, of course, am a diehard Met fan.

I am sure we will be discussing, debating and arguing. Of course it will all be in good fun (because we of course know who the better team is). When it is all said and done, we will laugh about it, but it aside and ignore it, and move on.

I think there is a strong lesson there when it comes to taking care of parents. Of course it can be difficult and with the emotional aspect that parents hold over their children, it is even harder. Still, sometimes we need to know how to discuss and debate things, serious things, real issues, and then let them go and move on.

If only it were that easy.

Vacation With Grandma

When I was growing up I was fortunate to be able to go on a four to six week vacation every summer with my family. We traveled mainly by car and mostly across the United States. By the time I was 18, I had been to 48 different states and Mexico and Canada (as well as a few countries overseas). My son has heard me talk about those experiences and is now begging to be able to do some travelling.

It is not realistic that we can take the kind of vacation I used to growing up but I was thinking about what day trips we could do. Even a trip to Niagara Falls or Montreal is feasible to do in a day. He was real excited about this possibility and began telling Grandma while we were over there this past weekend.

My son, meaning well, looked at me while Grandma was still right there and asked, “If it’s okay with Mommy and she can handle being around Grandma that much, is it okay if Grandma comes with us”. He asked that question a few times.

When we left I explained that you never want to ask a question like that in front of the person you are asking about. I told him that I thought it was very nice he was trying to be so considerate of the feelings of his Grandmother but there were possible problems that he might not have considered. I explained that Grandma gets tired fairly easily right now and that might mean less time to see the things he wanted to see. I explained that he should not say “If it’s okay with Mommy,” because than it puts the decision all on her. I then asked, “Besides, are you going to want to listen to Mommy and Grandma argue all the way on the drive?”

My son actually agreed that I had some good points. Again, his heart was in the right place but I think that it is important you see the entire picture. Sometimes when you are caring for a parent, you just need to get away for a little bit and I certainly wanted my wife to have that option.

Bloggerwave

Since I started blogging, I have been fascinated by the number of sites available with which you can sign up, register for opportunities and get paid for posting an article, you make money. When I first heard about this, I was a little skeptical but when I found out you did not have to pay to become a member of such services, I decided it was worth a try and things have worked out well.

I recently learned of a new site, bloggerwave. The seem very serious about trying to quickly establish themselves as one of the big names in the business. As best I can tell, they pay $10 for each post you put on when of your blogs.

I wish them well and perhaps I can get my mother-in-law to try it as a way of earning a little income. She probably won’t go for it but you never know.

Happy Being Sad

My mother-in-law was over yesterday for Father’s Day and I was glad she came. Still, things seemed a little awkward. We decided to have a Father’s Day barbecue. My wife and I and our son were there, my mother-in-law was there and a couple who are friends of ours came over (no children, just dogs).

It was a nice day so we were able to eat outside. When we first started, I was grilling so my Mother-in-law pulled a chair over to where I was grilling and sat down. Later on, as everyone came out and sat around the table, my wife’s mother continued to sit by the grill, away from people.

She was invited to join the rest of us a number of times but she simply declined. Later I kiddingly asked her if she was having fun being antisocial. She responded by saying, “I have nothing in common with them,” referring to the other couple that was joining us.

A number of thoughts went through my head. My Mother-in-law has meet this couple before and has talked with them and seemed to enjoy the conversation. If you don’t talk with people you can’t find out the things you might have in common with them. If my father were still alive, he would have been thrilled to have other people around to talk to as he needed people. My mother-in-law needs people too but she would rather be unhappy and complain (and that is something I noticed about her before she suffered the stroke). She is a wonderful person but she is one of these people who is happiest when she has something to complain about, when she has something to be unhappy about. Ultimately, I thought better of saying anything.

I think this comes back to what I have indicated before. She has the ability to fit in and make the best of a situation we all wish had not occurred (suffering a stroke, being moved into an assisted living facility and one that is 300 plus miles away from where she had lived), she just refuses to get involved and partake of the various activities. As the saying gores, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”.

Taking A Vacation

Father’s Day is this weekend, July 4th is not that far away and in-between, the school year comes to an end, for those not in college. The school year has already ended for college students. For many, the events just mentioned can mean a summer getaway, or a summer vacation.

As I think about the things many adults now have to do for their parents, I also think of the things many adults have learned from their parents. Both my folks were able to take the summer off so, each year, the family would take about a six week vacation and travel the U.S. my car (I visited and spent time in 48 of the 50 states before I was 18). We visited everything from Orlando Theme Parks in Florida to Wall Drug in South Dakota.

It was always interesting watching Mom sit down with all the Triple A tour guide books and plan what we would see and where we would stay. She was great at determining a budget and figuring when we would stay at a fancy place and when and when to stay at an inexpensive location. Some vacations we would even stay at budget apartments, but it worked out well.

She had everything down to a science. Now I notice there is Mum’s Holiday Guide, a guide that has input from other people who have visited areas and I think this is a great way to go touring.

As you plan your summer vacation, maybe using things like Travelocity as well, think back to those who did a great job before such resources were available. Yes, it could be done but why not take advantage of what is out there.

Overdone

Of late, things seem to be better between my wife and mother-in-law. I am not sure exactly what has changed, and I still would not say things are great, but the two seem to be getting along fine. Certainly that is a good thing.

My wife took her mother out to dinner on Friday and again, things seemed good. At least that is my understanding as I was not there. She then told me she wanted to invite her mother to join us for dinner that evening, Friday night. That was fine with me but I did have some concerns.

It seems my concerns might have been right on target. While things maybe better between the two of them, spending the whole day in each other’s presence might have been too much. Over dinner, while there were no ‘big’ blowups, you could feel tension and here snipping between the two.

My wife admitted that she probably would have been better off not inviting her mother to stay for dinner. Still, it was a generous offer and things between the two of them are definitely better, so perhaps the day when the two of them can peacefully spend the entire day in each other’s presence is not too far off.

Bad Behavior

We hear it said all the time, but life isn’t always fair. Now, with that being said, I am not talking a tragic situation here that many people have to frequently deal with. I am not even talking a bump in the road. I’m talking about when you see something and think to yourself, “That’s Unfair,” even if you are a contributing party.

As many of you know, Sundays is the day I take my son to see Grandma at the assisted living facility where she now resides. She refuses to get involved with a lot of the programs and claims that “there is nothing to do,” where she lives. What she truly enjoys, the highlight of her week, is a visit from her grandson and I am happy to help out.

This past weekend, both Friday and Saturday, my son had awful behavior. Both days were horrendous (the kind where you question why you ever wanted kids in the first place). Fortunately things got better come Sunday. Still, based on his behavior, he lost all privileges for the rest of the weekend, including going out and doing anything on Sunday, including visiting grandma.

By the way, while he usually does very well with her, sometimes the visits seems to negatively affect his behavior when we get home, so there is a reason as to why we don’t want to take him for a visit when he is acting up.

I couldn’t help but think of poor grandma, who did absolutely nothing wrong. She did nothing to aggravate her daughter (my wife). Still, she now has to go a couple of weeks without seeing her grandson. It is amazing (and unfortunate) how negative behavior can effect many people around you. Of course, the converse of that is true as well, that positive behavior can positively effect those around you, so hopefully next weekend that will be the case.

Proud Of My Wife!

I have to say that I am very pleased with my wife as I watched her interact with her mother at the Passover Seder this year. My wife did a lot of work in preparing for many guests. It does get frustrating that she refuses to let me do anything, as she wants to be able to do it all. So, as the Holiday started and we were all sited around the table, she had to be exhausted.

Her mother joined us both Seder nights. First, I must praise her mother. She was well behaved and, for the most part, did not start in. She recognized all the work her daughter did (not something that always, or even usually happens) and she appreciated it.

Then, towards the end of the festivities, her mother made some kind of comment; I do not even remember what it was but it was the type of comment that could be viewed as an insult, or at best a left-handed compliment. I do not think that was the way her mom intended the comment to be, but I am not sure. Still, it was my wife who showed great poise and simply ignored the comment. She did not argue, she did not get insulted, she did not even say anything. It was almost as if she did not hear it (although I know she did).

Yes, honestly, I was very proud of her and hope it may be a sign of being able to do this more often which I think will help everyone.

Disney

My Sister-in-law is pushing for her family and our family to take a Disney vacation together. Her argument is that the kids (they have a daughter, we have a son) are the perfect age right now to enjoy and understand and appreciate such a trip. She also feels it can be done for relatively inexpensive.

I agree that the kids are the perfect age and as much as I am not a Florida person, I think everyone would enjoy Disney. I am not sure it can be done for as inexpensive as my wife and I would want, however.

Still, money is not the main problem. I would be very surprised if my wife would agree to travel 1000 miles for a vacation and leave her mother back home in her assisted living facility. If we do the trip with her brother and his wife (the one who has proposed this idea), my wife would argue that there would be no one in the state to deal with any emergency should one occur. Even if her brother and family did not go, I know my wife would not go since she is much more detail oriented than her brother and is convinced if a situation occurs she would be quicker to respond.

It is a tough situation and I do not know the answer. On the one hand, I think it is important that our son experience vacations (and he really had never been on one in his life with the exception of going downstate to see the grandparents when they were alive and/or lived there). On the other hand, I understand the need to make sure her mother is properly taken care of. So, as usual, I will just roll with the punches and see what happens.

Stuck In The Middle

We went out to celebrate my Mother-in-law’s birthday the other day. After we finished eating my wife went home and I took my son and my Mother-in-law out. It was an interesting situation and perhaps is quite symbolic of what happens today when we need to parent our parents as well as parent our children.

We decided to go to the library. Of course today’s library is a far cry from what we had when I was growing up, not that I had anything against the library when I was a child, I enjoyed going. Still, today, there are computers with internet connectivity set aside for kids, other computers with kid’s games on them and areas for children to play, play dress-up, play with blocks, play with all sorts of toys.

My son wanted to get on one of the computers. My Mother-in-law wanted to look at the books in the large print section. My son, while usually good can get temperamental. My Mother-in-law while unsteady on her feet, refuses to use a walker and certainly not a wheelchair.

I found myself going back and forth from one area to the other, trying to look inconspicuous, trying to make it so neither one of the two people would see me. Certainly my Mother-in-law would have protested wanting to know if I did not trust her.

Certainly grandkids are great medicine for grandparents. Certainly grandparents are great for grandkids (and my Mother-in-law is my son’s one remaining living grandparent). I was certainly happy to take them both out but it is not as easy as it once was.

Well, I guess it is tough getting old, as well as growing up!

Life And Death

My wife and I are friends with a couple who earlier in the week needed to put one of their three dogs to sleep. The dog was old and was having health problems and it certainly was the best thing and yet, of course, it is never easy.

As luck would have it, my son and I were over there this past weekend and we both had a chance to play with all the dogs. We did not know at the time this was going to be the last time we could play with Bear but I did know he was heading to the vet come the beginning of the week and certainly had my suspicions (I am sure they did to).

After they put the dog down, my wife told my son and she asked him if he understood what that met. He said he did. Later he asked me if they can do that, or actually do that, with human beings. Now I was left with the challenge of explaining euthanasia to a nine year old. The topic is certainly controversial and perplexing enough for a 40 something year old.

I explained to him that sometimes people as they get old indicate that if certain things happen, they do not want to be treated for the illness. I did not get into the idea of mercy killings and things of that nature. Even the idea of refusing treatment, in the best of circumstances, can be confusing and murky, especially in terms of parenting our parents.

I thought about my own father who indicated he would never want to be kept alive on a respirator, if there was no chance of survival and if he would have no memory of anything. I remember when he was taken to the hospital and I, as his proxy, four hundred miles away, needed to make a decision about whether or not to intubate. This was actually something he and I had never discussed and only after deciding to do it, do my brother, my sister and I come across a living will that stated he was adamant about no intubations and no restraints, something else that was done to keep him from pulling the tube out of his neck.

The problem was his living will further went on to talk about what to do and not do if there was no chance of coming out of things (as determined by two doctors). All the information the family had indicated that the doctor’s expected the intubation to be a temporary measure to get him back on track. As a result, he actually did send mixed messages as the belief among the family was he was referring to these measures when there was no real chance of coming out of it and that was never the indication we got from the medical staff.

There were many other issues that also became a reality, perhaps for another post but the bottom line is, the idea of ‘putting a human to sleep’ is certainly complex and has many intricacies and is a very real issue at times when children are treating parents. Ultimately in the case of my father, the doctors indicated he was not responding the way they had expected (or hoped) and it was just a matter of time. With my father’s approval and knowledge (again, a post for another time), we did end up removing the tube.

So, for those of you treating parents, please make sure you actually have an in-depth discussion about the parent’s wishes. It is not as simple as it might first seem.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Despite being times when I really feel like strangling my son (Don’t worry, I would never do it), he really is a good guy and very perceptive. He has noticed how my Mother-in-law really seems to enjoy getting out.

When she complains about there being nothing to do, I tell her if she lets me know where she wants to go, I would be happy to take her there. Still, she never indicates that she wants to go anywhere. Even the times that I invite her, my mother-in-law usually says the weather is not great and she would rather not go out.

My son has picked up on the fact that if he asks her, she is more likely to say yes. He also notices that when she is out she seems to smile more and have a better time than when she is at her assisted living facility. As a result, the past couple of weeks, without my prompting, he has called her and invited her out. Both times she has agreed. Both times she seems to really enjoy getting out and even when she returns back, she still seem to be in a better mood.

It may be actions rather than words but, “Out of the mouths of babes,” still seems to fit.

Rough Driving

I was teaching a class this evening and as I was driving home and was driving into blinding snow. The roads were not slippery and the snow was not even that heavy but it was coming straight at the windshield. The fact that I do not prefer night driving in the first place and that I was dealing with a blinding snow made for quite an interesting ride home.

As I was driving, it occurred to me that I was probably experiencing some of the same emotions my mother-in-law does, living in an assisted living facility. For instance, I have done this drive hundreds of times. This, however, was the first time at night in this kind of snow. As I am driving fighting to hold the road and follow it, I see all sorts of vehicles pass me by as though they are having no problem.

My mother-in-law knows she cannot do the things she once did. Things that she used to do all the time, things that she used to do as a way to make a living, are things she can no longer do. Just like I found it frustrating driving a road that I know and had difficulty handling, she has got to have a hard time not doing those things she used to do so easily years ago.

There were stretches of the road where, for whatever reason, I had an easier time handling the road. Then it got tougher again. Sometimes my mother-in-law is right on the money and able to do a lot and sometimes she has trouble following seemingly simple information. Sometimes she too can follow the road only to find it turns back into the road that was giving us trouble.

If, when we deal with people in assisted living programs (specifically parents), this is the type of thing we need to remember. There will be times, and already are times, when the things we used to do so easily will be difficult. Just like we want to be treated nicely and have people understand (I did not mind people passing me but those that honked and flashed their brights at me, well that is a different story.

Forget the fact that one day we may be in the shoes our parents are at the current time, when it comes to certain aspects of our lives, we may already be there.

Ignoring E-Mails!

As I mentioned yesterday, my sister-in-law (My wife’s, brother’s, wife) was recently up here. She and I share a mother-in-law. We have also both been told not to voice our opinions too loudly.

What I recently learned is, when she was up here for a few days, my wife starting e-mailing her everyday telling her what her mom could and could not do. My sister-in-law said this got to be so much she simply hit the delete button before even reading the text.

My wife is excellent when it comes to keeping on top of things. She know what meds her mom gets and when she needs them. She knows when her mother needs to eat to keep the blood sugar stabilized so there is no diabetic episode. She truly stays on top of a lot.

Unfortunately, she can overdo it. Part of the reason her mom cannot do so much is because she is not given the opportunity and she hears from others that she cannot do something. I am not so naïve to believe she can do now the same things she could have done 20 years ago. I certainly understand that, following her stroke, her mom is not capable of doing certain things. Still, give her the opportunity.

When the sister-in-law was up her, she took my mother-in-law out shopping, out to the mall and out to dinner. In fact one evening my sister-in-law and her daughter did not get out to dinner until after 8PM. Mother-in-law was invited but she turned down the offer. A few minutes later she put her coat on and said she decided she did want to go with them. My wife felt that her mom was run ragged but I thought this was great medicine and I have not seen my mother-in-law do this well in a long time!

A Mammogram

It has been a while since I posted and I would like to say that things have changed, but they really haven’t.

Last week, my Mother-in-law’s doctor was in touch with my wife that she wanted my Mother-in-law to come in for a mammogram. Now, I’m not quite sure of the sequence of things, but apparently my wife had to make the appointment. The mammogram was with a new doctor, so my wife was making an appointment for her mom with someone neither of them had seen before.

Apparently the doctor needed my Mother-in-law to sign a consent form allowing my wife to set the appointment, due to the HIPA laws. My wife stopped what she was doing, went to get a form and called her mom to come over to sign it.

When her mother got here, my wife cornered her as soon as she walked in, thrusting the paper in front of her and telling her to sign it (or so I was told by another in-law, as I was not here when it took place). She did not greet her mom, give her mom a chance to take off her coat or sit down, it was just thrown at her.

My mother-in-law wanted to know what it was and upon being informed, she refused to sign it. Apparently, she was not convinced she needed one and if she was going to get one, she wanted to be the one to set up the appointment.

I asked my wife what was so terrible about that and was told that she keeps giving everyone a different story as to what is wrong and what hurts and the only way the doctor will get an accurate story is if she (my wife) is there. “Isn’t it better that she at least have the mammogram, even if she doesn’t tell the same story,” I persisted. “Maybe the doctor won’t have a fully accurate picture from the information your mom gives but he will have the results of the mammography and will at least now if something is wrong”.

“Maybe,” my wife responded. She continued, “But, maybe the doctor will refuse to even see her if she can’t tell an accurate story and maybe he will need some family history information in order to get a correct reading”.

Maybe my wife is correct but it seems to me that it is better to have something than nothing and her mom needs to have a feeling of having some independence, even if it is just making an appointment. I don’t know if her mom would have signed it had she not felt “attacked,” when she first walked in the house but certainly, I believe, it would have helped. Certainly, I believe, again from what I heard, that it would have been a calmer situation that would have ended differently than having both my wife and her mom in tears.

As for how this is going to get resolve, I don’t know. I have some strong thoughts but, speaking from experience, I know my wife really does not want to hear my opinions. So, I just stay quiet and try to be supportive.

What Am I Missing

I don’t get it! I just don’t get it! I watch my wife and her mother deal with each other, and I just don’t understand.

My mother-in-law called earlier today. My wife was putting our son to bed and I was doing some work in the basement, unable to get to the phone (and not wanting to interrupt my work at that point). Caller ID let us know it was my wife’s mother who called, so she went to call back (I think while my Mother-in-law was trying to leave a message).

All of a sudden I heard screaming. Apparently my Mother-in-law was telling my wife that she called us and the attendant came on. My wife said “No,” and told her Mom we don’t have that. Her Mom then started screaming at her, that this is what happened and my wife shouldn’t aggravate her. My wife got off the phone very upset and all in tears.

Okay, so I am confused. I don’t understand why her Mother got so upset and why she told my wife not to aggravate her. I don’t understand why my wife looked to correct her Mom. Just leave it alone. I do not know what tone of voice my wife used (not always as friendly as she thinks it is). It seems to me like this whole thing could have been avoided.

I also don’t understand why my wife rushes to call her Mom back every time she calls. She will complain about talking to her Mom numerous times a day but she continually calls back. My wife claims it is because her Mom will continually call until she responds. I do not know if it is true but if that is the case, I say answer once, tell her that based on her behavior she will not be talking to her again that day and then don’t answer the phone when she calls. I think she should try it and see what happens. It may not be the most grown up thing to do (although maybe it is) but it certainly will make the point.

By the way, if you think I will suggest it to my wife, forget it. I know what fate awaits me if I try suggesting to her how she should deal with her Mom.

So, as I said before, I don’t get it!