Monday, March 31, 2008

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Despite being times when I really feel like strangling my son (Don’t worry, I would never do it), he really is a good guy and very perceptive. He has noticed how my Mother-in-law really seems to enjoy getting out.

When she complains about there being nothing to do, I tell her if she lets me know where she wants to go, I would be happy to take her there. Still, she never indicates that she wants to go anywhere. Even the times that I invite her, my mother-in-law usually says the weather is not great and she would rather not go out.

My son has picked up on the fact that if he asks her, she is more likely to say yes. He also notices that when she is out she seems to smile more and have a better time than when she is at her assisted living facility. As a result, the past couple of weeks, without my prompting, he has called her and invited her out. Both times she has agreed. Both times she seems to really enjoy getting out and even when she returns back, she still seem to be in a better mood.

It may be actions rather than words but, “Out of the mouths of babes,” still seems to fit.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Rough Driving

I was teaching a class this evening and as I was driving home and was driving into blinding snow. The roads were not slippery and the snow was not even that heavy but it was coming straight at the windshield. The fact that I do not prefer night driving in the first place and that I was dealing with a blinding snow made for quite an interesting ride home.

As I was driving, it occurred to me that I was probably experiencing some of the same emotions my mother-in-law does, living in an assisted living facility. For instance, I have done this drive hundreds of times. This, however, was the first time at night in this kind of snow. As I am driving fighting to hold the road and follow it, I see all sorts of vehicles pass me by as though they are having no problem.

My mother-in-law knows she cannot do the things she once did. Things that she used to do all the time, things that she used to do as a way to make a living, are things she can no longer do. Just like I found it frustrating driving a road that I know and had difficulty handling, she has got to have a hard time not doing those things she used to do so easily years ago.

There were stretches of the road where, for whatever reason, I had an easier time handling the road. Then it got tougher again. Sometimes my mother-in-law is right on the money and able to do a lot and sometimes she has trouble following seemingly simple information. Sometimes she too can follow the road only to find it turns back into the road that was giving us trouble.

If, when we deal with people in assisted living programs (specifically parents), this is the type of thing we need to remember. There will be times, and already are times, when the things we used to do so easily will be difficult. Just like we want to be treated nicely and have people understand (I did not mind people passing me but those that honked and flashed their brights at me, well that is a different story.

Forget the fact that one day we may be in the shoes our parents are at the current time, when it comes to certain aspects of our lives, we may already be there.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Ignoring E-Mails!

As I mentioned yesterday, my sister-in-law (My wife’s, brother’s, wife) was recently up here. She and I share a mother-in-law. We have also both been told not to voice our opinions too loudly.

What I recently learned is, when she was up here for a few days, my wife starting e-mailing her everyday telling her what her mom could and could not do. My sister-in-law said this got to be so much she simply hit the delete button before even reading the text.

My wife is excellent when it comes to keeping on top of things. She know what meds her mom gets and when she needs them. She knows when her mother needs to eat to keep the blood sugar stabilized so there is no diabetic episode. She truly stays on top of a lot.

Unfortunately, she can overdo it. Part of the reason her mom cannot do so much is because she is not given the opportunity and she hears from others that she cannot do something. I am not so naïve to believe she can do now the same things she could have done 20 years ago. I certainly understand that, following her stroke, her mom is not capable of doing certain things. Still, give her the opportunity.

When the sister-in-law was up her, she took my mother-in-law out shopping, out to the mall and out to dinner. In fact one evening my sister-in-law and her daughter did not get out to dinner until after 8PM. Mother-in-law was invited but she turned down the offer. A few minutes later she put her coat on and said she decided she did want to go with them. My wife felt that her mom was run ragged but I thought this was great medicine and I have not seen my mother-in-law do this well in a long time!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

A Mammogram

It has been a while since I posted and I would like to say that things have changed, but they really haven’t.

Last week, my Mother-in-law’s doctor was in touch with my wife that she wanted my Mother-in-law to come in for a mammogram. Now, I’m not quite sure of the sequence of things, but apparently my wife had to make the appointment. The mammogram was with a new doctor, so my wife was making an appointment for her mom with someone neither of them had seen before.

Apparently the doctor needed my Mother-in-law to sign a consent form allowing my wife to set the appointment, due to the HIPA laws. My wife stopped what she was doing, went to get a form and called her mom to come over to sign it.

When her mother got here, my wife cornered her as soon as she walked in, thrusting the paper in front of her and telling her to sign it (or so I was told by another in-law, as I was not here when it took place). She did not greet her mom, give her mom a chance to take off her coat or sit down, it was just thrown at her.

My mother-in-law wanted to know what it was and upon being informed, she refused to sign it. Apparently, she was not convinced she needed one and if she was going to get one, she wanted to be the one to set up the appointment.

I asked my wife what was so terrible about that and was told that she keeps giving everyone a different story as to what is wrong and what hurts and the only way the doctor will get an accurate story is if she (my wife) is there. “Isn’t it better that she at least have the mammogram, even if she doesn’t tell the same story,” I persisted. “Maybe the doctor won’t have a fully accurate picture from the information your mom gives but he will have the results of the mammography and will at least now if something is wrong”.

“Maybe,” my wife responded. She continued, “But, maybe the doctor will refuse to even see her if she can’t tell an accurate story and maybe he will need some family history information in order to get a correct reading”.

Maybe my wife is correct but it seems to me that it is better to have something than nothing and her mom needs to have a feeling of having some independence, even if it is just making an appointment. I don’t know if her mom would have signed it had she not felt “attacked,” when she first walked in the house but certainly, I believe, it would have helped. Certainly, I believe, again from what I heard, that it would have been a calmer situation that would have ended differently than having both my wife and her mom in tears.

As for how this is going to get resolve, I don’t know. I have some strong thoughts but, speaking from experience, I know my wife really does not want to hear my opinions. So, I just stay quiet and try to be supportive.