If all goes well, my mother-in-law will get out of the rehab facility on Friday. They are still not reading to take the soft cast off. They are actually saying she will probably need it for another four weeks. She will need to use a walker for awhile. Still, they are releasing her.
My mother-in-law, who has wanted to leave that facility since she got there, is now a bit apprehensive. She is concerned and wondering if she should get an aide to help. The irony in all this. My wife thought her mother would be required to have an aide. My wife expected her mother to fight that. In the end, she is told she will not need one and she is feeling like she might want one.
I actually can understand that. She is anxious to get back to her place and see all her friends. Still, there is the concern she has that maybe she is not ready. It would be nice if this event helps her turned the corner. I would like to believe that she will appreciate now, more than before, what she has. I doubt that will happen, however. While initially she might let herself enjoy living in the assisted living program, while initially she might appreciate all the freedoms, it will not last.
I do not mean to sound pessimistic, it is just that I have been around her enough to know that at some point, she will get fed up and resort back to her old ways. That could happen after just one day, or it might take several weeks, or even months before it happens. It would be nice if it never occurred, but I am not holding my breath. At some point, she will start trying to run everyone’s life.
Well, enjoy what you have while you have it, because tomorrow can be a completely different day.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Announcements
This is a Paid Post
We spend a lifetime trying to assert our independence from our parents. The truth, however, is we realize how much they gave to us and we are willing to give back to them. While I usually write about the trials and tribulations of my mother-in-law, the fact is my wife and I looked to pay homage to my father-in-law (her dad) as well. He was fighting a losing battle with cancer. Instead of having the big wedding we had planned and we wanted, we did a small ceremony at my (now) wife’s parent’s house. My father-in-law passed away a week after the wedding.
While we did not invite guests, after the ceremony, we did send out wedding announcements. There were a number of places we looked and it is always nice to find new places, places that do different things, to see what is available. When our son was born, not surprisingly, we name him after my father-in-law. Of course, we sent out Birth Announcements.
Isn’t it interesting that any time you have a special event, or a “Save the Date” function, we look to spend money to send out announcements. The truth is, however, I have never regretted sending out such announcements.
We spend a lifetime trying to assert our independence from our parents. The truth, however, is we realize how much they gave to us and we are willing to give back to them. While I usually write about the trials and tribulations of my mother-in-law, the fact is my wife and I looked to pay homage to my father-in-law (her dad) as well. He was fighting a losing battle with cancer. Instead of having the big wedding we had planned and we wanted, we did a small ceremony at my (now) wife’s parent’s house. My father-in-law passed away a week after the wedding.
While we did not invite guests, after the ceremony, we did send out wedding announcements. There were a number of places we looked and it is always nice to find new places, places that do different things, to see what is available. When our son was born, not surprisingly, we name him after my father-in-law. Of course, we sent out Birth Announcements.
Isn’t it interesting that any time you have a special event, or a “Save the Date” function, we look to spend money to send out announcements. The truth is, however, I have never regretted sending out such announcements.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Blowing Shofar
Yesterday my son and I went to visit my mother-in-law. It was a relatively short visit as we did not get a chance to head over there until later in the day. My wife had made some comment to her mom the day before about me blowing shofar at services.
The shofar is a ram’s horn that is blown on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (Yom Kippur to signify the end of the fast). At my congregation, on Yom Kippur, they urge all congregants who have a shofar, to bring it to services and to blow it at the appropriate time. There are often 50 people or more blowing the shofar.
My wife and I picked one up a few years ago. As a former trombone player, I can get some sounds out of the shofar (since the mouth positions are similar). My wife tried getting a sound out of the shofar with no luck. Then she handed it to me and was amazed that I was able to get a sound. She mentioned this to her mother.
My mother-in-law was impressed and since she had not heard the shofar blow at all over this holiday season (since she is in rehab), she asked if I could bring it when we came to visit and blow the shofar for her. I was happy to oblige.
I mentioned in earlier posts that I had hoped to do some cooking of holiday foods for her to help create a holiday atmosphere. I never got to do that. I sort of felt that by doing this, I helped create a holiday mood for my mother-in-law and that it helped.
The visit was relatively short, although we did end up staying close to an hour. It was a pleasant visit and one that I hoped filled all of my mother-in-law’s expectations. At least for the little time we were there, it seemed to make a difference.
The shofar is a ram’s horn that is blown on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (Yom Kippur to signify the end of the fast). At my congregation, on Yom Kippur, they urge all congregants who have a shofar, to bring it to services and to blow it at the appropriate time. There are often 50 people or more blowing the shofar.
My wife and I picked one up a few years ago. As a former trombone player, I can get some sounds out of the shofar (since the mouth positions are similar). My wife tried getting a sound out of the shofar with no luck. Then she handed it to me and was amazed that I was able to get a sound. She mentioned this to her mother.
My mother-in-law was impressed and since she had not heard the shofar blow at all over this holiday season (since she is in rehab), she asked if I could bring it when we came to visit and blow the shofar for her. I was happy to oblige.
I mentioned in earlier posts that I had hoped to do some cooking of holiday foods for her to help create a holiday atmosphere. I never got to do that. I sort of felt that by doing this, I helped create a holiday mood for my mother-in-law and that it helped.
The visit was relatively short, although we did end up staying close to an hour. It was a pleasant visit and one that I hoped filled all of my mother-in-law’s expectations. At least for the little time we were there, it seemed to make a difference.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Seeing Things As An Outsider
Isn’t it always easier to live someone else’s life better than he or she is living it. We can always see things better when we are not the one emotionally involved. Yesterday my wife was trying to get everything set for Yom Kippur, including the house straightened, and things set for both the meal before the fast and the meal afterwards, for breaking the fast.
During this time, her mom called her a number of time and my wife got frustrated as this interruption kept her from doing what she needed to do. My mother-in-law is no longer in her own house, she feels that she is not making her own decisions and the Jewish Holidays now only serve as a reminder of what she once was able to do in terms of hosting large gatherings but now is incapable of doing.
Not only is my mother-in-law not in her own home, she is not even in her own assisted living facility. She did a number on her foot and is no in rehab. The assisted living facility where she lives is a Jewish facility. They usually have some kind of service right at the facility and they provide shuttle transportation to all the synagogues in the area. The rehab facility she is at is not a Jewish facility. They are all very nice there but it does not offer her a religious experience, one that would be important to her. Even if she does not participate, it is important that there is something at the facility. At this location, there is not.
I spoke with my wife’s mother shortly before the Yom Kippur Holiday began. My wife talked with her for a little and then handed me the phone. When I hung up, my wife asked me if her mother was still crying (which she was). I could not help but think, this was not such a bad thing. And, we talk about the grieving of any loss. To my wife’s mother, the Holidays are now a time to grieve a loss, a loss of what she can no longer do; a loss of what used to be.
To me, this all makes sense. Again, being the outsider, I feel I have so much of a better handle on this. Still, while I can offer to help and do things (which certainly happens), I certainly am not the one to take over. I just wish sometimes my wife were a little more understanding of the situation (and that my mother-in-law were a little more understanding of my wife’s situation).
During this time, her mom called her a number of time and my wife got frustrated as this interruption kept her from doing what she needed to do. My mother-in-law is no longer in her own house, she feels that she is not making her own decisions and the Jewish Holidays now only serve as a reminder of what she once was able to do in terms of hosting large gatherings but now is incapable of doing.
Not only is my mother-in-law not in her own home, she is not even in her own assisted living facility. She did a number on her foot and is no in rehab. The assisted living facility where she lives is a Jewish facility. They usually have some kind of service right at the facility and they provide shuttle transportation to all the synagogues in the area. The rehab facility she is at is not a Jewish facility. They are all very nice there but it does not offer her a religious experience, one that would be important to her. Even if she does not participate, it is important that there is something at the facility. At this location, there is not.
I spoke with my wife’s mother shortly before the Yom Kippur Holiday began. My wife talked with her for a little and then handed me the phone. When I hung up, my wife asked me if her mother was still crying (which she was). I could not help but think, this was not such a bad thing. And, we talk about the grieving of any loss. To my wife’s mother, the Holidays are now a time to grieve a loss, a loss of what she can no longer do; a loss of what used to be.
To me, this all makes sense. Again, being the outsider, I feel I have so much of a better handle on this. Still, while I can offer to help and do things (which certainly happens), I certainly am not the one to take over. I just wish sometimes my wife were a little more understanding of the situation (and that my mother-in-law were a little more understanding of my wife’s situation).
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Fasting And Not Fasting
As we approach the Jewish Holiday of Yom Kippur, it is interesting what people believe and try to do. The holiday includes a full 25 hour fast, with nothing to eat or drink (including water). However, if you have a medical issue, than you are required to take care of it instead of fasting.
My mother-in-law is diabetic. It is important that she eat on a regular basis to keep the blood sugar at consistent levels. Every year she tells us she is not going to fast (when my wife asks), but every year she ends up fasting.
As my mother-in-law continues to rehab, it is important that she build up her strength, keep it up to the level it is now. She should be eating.
I do not know what she will do. The problem is, many of us how it so ingrained in our brains that we do what we need to, to make sure we fast. Truth is, if there is a medical reason, not only is eat permissible to eat, it is a requirement.
It would be nice if, in addition to trying to fast, we understood our body’s needs and were willing to make sure they are met, if the situation is like or death.
G’mar Hatima Tova!
My mother-in-law is diabetic. It is important that she eat on a regular basis to keep the blood sugar at consistent levels. Every year she tells us she is not going to fast (when my wife asks), but every year she ends up fasting.
As my mother-in-law continues to rehab, it is important that she build up her strength, keep it up to the level it is now. She should be eating.
I do not know what she will do. The problem is, many of us how it so ingrained in our brains that we do what we need to, to make sure we fast. Truth is, if there is a medical reason, not only is eat permissible to eat, it is a requirement.
It would be nice if, in addition to trying to fast, we understood our body’s needs and were willing to make sure they are met, if the situation is like or death.
G’mar Hatima Tova!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Time Of Day Is Important
I have come to realize that when you are taking care of an elderly parent, or a parent who needs assistance, the time of day you talk with that individual can make a huge difference. My wife works the overnight shift. When she comes home, she is tired. She has not yet wound down from the pressures of the job (sometimes she does not even realize she needs to). Not surprising, she can also be cranky (of course, I am never cranky when I come home from work-lol).
It seems that it is at this time her mom decides to call her. I really think she should ask her mom not to call her until after 10 AM, or some time, where she has had time to unwind. She will not do that and she will be angry with me if I meddle and suggest it to her mom. Still, I think it would be helpful and hopefully cut down on some of the yelling.
This evening my wife had a bad headache before she left for work. I am surprised that she decided to call her mom at this point. She should have known how her body was feeling and listened to it. I think it would have helped. Instead the two of them ended up in a yelling match (again).
Sometimes we should let our clocks be our guide.
It seems that it is at this time her mom decides to call her. I really think she should ask her mom not to call her until after 10 AM, or some time, where she has had time to unwind. She will not do that and she will be angry with me if I meddle and suggest it to her mom. Still, I think it would be helpful and hopefully cut down on some of the yelling.
This evening my wife had a bad headache before she left for work. I am surprised that she decided to call her mom at this point. She should have known how her body was feeling and listened to it. I think it would have helped. Instead the two of them ended up in a yelling match (again).
Sometimes we should let our clocks be our guide.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Stay Calm, Please!
Today my mother-in-law called my wife’s cell phone wanting to talk with her grandson. My wife was getting set to go to a meeting and listening to my wife on the phone, you would think her mom committed a terrible offense.
From my end I hear, “Maaa, I gotta go, I have a meeting in less than 15 minutes.”
“Yes, they are here” (obviously asking about me and my son).
“Call back on the house phone” and, “You have the number,” are not far off.
Well, my mother-in-law never called so after about half an hour, we called her. She asked for the home phone number and I gave it to her. My wife’s mother says, “But, that’s the same number you had in the apartment.”
“Yes Mom. We were able to keep the same number.”
Her mom, initially did not realize that we no longer had a phone at the apartment as well as here in the new house. Her mom did not realize that we were able to keep the same phone number. I explained to her all that we did and she understood.
Sometimes I really wish my wife would treat her mother like some of the people she works for and understand she needs to be patient. When my wife got home from the meeting, I told her what was confusing her mother.
“But, I explained all this to her,” she says in a frustrated voice.
Sometimes I do not understand why she gets so frustrated.
From my end I hear, “Maaa, I gotta go, I have a meeting in less than 15 minutes.”
“Yes, they are here” (obviously asking about me and my son).
“Call back on the house phone” and, “You have the number,” are not far off.
Well, my mother-in-law never called so after about half an hour, we called her. She asked for the home phone number and I gave it to her. My wife’s mother says, “But, that’s the same number you had in the apartment.”
“Yes Mom. We were able to keep the same number.”
Her mom, initially did not realize that we no longer had a phone at the apartment as well as here in the new house. Her mom did not realize that we were able to keep the same phone number. I explained to her all that we did and she understood.
Sometimes I really wish my wife would treat her mother like some of the people she works for and understand she needs to be patient. When my wife got home from the meeting, I told her what was confusing her mother.
“But, I explained all this to her,” she says in a frustrated voice.
Sometimes I do not understand why she gets so frustrated.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
To Buy Or Not to Buy
Now that we are in our new house, we are finding that it is time to buy a bunch of new things. Not, that we have the money mind you, but we want to buy those items we need and replace the ones in need of replacing.
One item that we wanted to get it a desk for my son. Now that we have more space, we would like him to get into the habit of doing homework in his room. My mother-in-law made the very generous offer of wanting to buy something for us. My wife and I know that living in an assisted living program, she needs to be careful with her money. My mother-in-law said she would like to buy a desk for her grandson.
My wife and I actually thought this would be perfect. First of all, it is the cheapest of the items we were getting. This is not to suggest it is cheap, but the other items were probably about three times more expensive. We also figured Grandma would be thrilled to buy something for her grandson and that her grandson would be thrilled to have his grandmother buy this for him. It sounded to easy. It was!
My mother-in-law wanted to see the desk before we bought it. She is still in rehab and unable to walk. We want to get the furniture taken care of as soon as possible so we can have what we need. When my wife explained this, Grandma was not happy. We offered to take a picture, to let her come over and see it as soon as she was released from rehab, to try and make all sorts of accommodations. These were not to Grandma’s liking and she just yelled, “Never Mind,” so my wife and I figured we would pay for it ourselves.
Today, my wife, son and I went out to look at the furniture and buy what we needed. We bought the desk for our son, a desk he said he really liked. After this, my son and I went to visit Grandma. She asked what we did today and we told her about our shopping expedition. She asked me if my wife took the money for my son’s desk out of Grandma’s account. I was not sure what to say so I told her I didn’t know. Apparently, the desire to buy the desk is now back on and she wants to reimburse us for the desk and asked us to take a picture of the desk so she could see it (which of course we will do). I just do not understand why my wife did not suggest that in the first place.
In all seriousness, it would have been a lot easier on everyone if Grandma has said this when my wife did suggest it. Still, in the end, Grandma came through and it is appreciated.
One item that we wanted to get it a desk for my son. Now that we have more space, we would like him to get into the habit of doing homework in his room. My mother-in-law made the very generous offer of wanting to buy something for us. My wife and I know that living in an assisted living program, she needs to be careful with her money. My mother-in-law said she would like to buy a desk for her grandson.
My wife and I actually thought this would be perfect. First of all, it is the cheapest of the items we were getting. This is not to suggest it is cheap, but the other items were probably about three times more expensive. We also figured Grandma would be thrilled to buy something for her grandson and that her grandson would be thrilled to have his grandmother buy this for him. It sounded to easy. It was!
My mother-in-law wanted to see the desk before we bought it. She is still in rehab and unable to walk. We want to get the furniture taken care of as soon as possible so we can have what we need. When my wife explained this, Grandma was not happy. We offered to take a picture, to let her come over and see it as soon as she was released from rehab, to try and make all sorts of accommodations. These were not to Grandma’s liking and she just yelled, “Never Mind,” so my wife and I figured we would pay for it ourselves.
Today, my wife, son and I went out to look at the furniture and buy what we needed. We bought the desk for our son, a desk he said he really liked. After this, my son and I went to visit Grandma. She asked what we did today and we told her about our shopping expedition. She asked me if my wife took the money for my son’s desk out of Grandma’s account. I was not sure what to say so I told her I didn’t know. Apparently, the desire to buy the desk is now back on and she wants to reimburse us for the desk and asked us to take a picture of the desk so she could see it (which of course we will do). I just do not understand why my wife did not suggest that in the first place.
In all seriousness, it would have been a lot easier on everyone if Grandma has said this when my wife did suggest it. Still, in the end, Grandma came through and it is appreciated.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
How Can You Go Wrong
Growing up, I remember the feeling when an immediate relative was celebrating a birthday. Did you wish them a Happy Birthday first thing in the morning, or did you try and pretend that you forgot so when it was celebrated later that evening, the family member was surprised?
In my family, we quickly learned that you wished the member a Happy Birthday. Everyone knew we would be celebrating that evening, and if for some reason, it could not be that night, everyone knew the game plan as to when the Birthday would be celebrated. The feeling was, you could never go wrong by wishing someone a Happy Birthday on their birthday.
I recently experienced this feeling again. I had hoped to do some cooking for my mother-in-law for the Jewish high holiday of Rosh Hashanah. I did not do it. I know my mother-in-law is not where she wants to be for the holiday. She does not want to be in any kind of assisted living program and I think it is especially tough around the holidays. Worse than that, however, is needing to be at rehab, and rehab at a non-Jewish facility.
I do not believe my wife’s mother has taken advantage of the services they have at the facility the past couple of years, but she knows they are there. Now, where she is, they do not have Jewish services. As a result, I wondered if I should have avoided calling to wish her a good year, because it might be like rubbing salt in the wound and reminding her of what she cannot have, or if I should call her and wish her a good year, a happy holiday, since it would be inconsiderate (and possibly mean) not to do so.
I heard the voice of my parents saying, “Of course you call her and wish her a good year. How could you not?”
I decided this was what I would do. Still, as it turned out, I did not have, or was not given, much of a choice. My wife was talking with her mother Wednesday evening (before the holiday started). She said, “Here, speak to your mother-in-law,” as she handed me the phone and made sure I knew to wish her a good year. As I said, I had already decided on this approach as we were getting set to start the Jewish New Year. Still, at this point, I really did not have a choice, even if I had planned on something else.
“How can you go wrong wishing someone a Happy New Year”. So to all the Jews out there, and even the Non-Jews, I say to you, “I hope you have a good year”.
In my family, we quickly learned that you wished the member a Happy Birthday. Everyone knew we would be celebrating that evening, and if for some reason, it could not be that night, everyone knew the game plan as to when the Birthday would be celebrated. The feeling was, you could never go wrong by wishing someone a Happy Birthday on their birthday.
I recently experienced this feeling again. I had hoped to do some cooking for my mother-in-law for the Jewish high holiday of Rosh Hashanah. I did not do it. I know my mother-in-law is not where she wants to be for the holiday. She does not want to be in any kind of assisted living program and I think it is especially tough around the holidays. Worse than that, however, is needing to be at rehab, and rehab at a non-Jewish facility.
I do not believe my wife’s mother has taken advantage of the services they have at the facility the past couple of years, but she knows they are there. Now, where she is, they do not have Jewish services. As a result, I wondered if I should have avoided calling to wish her a good year, because it might be like rubbing salt in the wound and reminding her of what she cannot have, or if I should call her and wish her a good year, a happy holiday, since it would be inconsiderate (and possibly mean) not to do so.
I heard the voice of my parents saying, “Of course you call her and wish her a good year. How could you not?”
I decided this was what I would do. Still, as it turned out, I did not have, or was not given, much of a choice. My wife was talking with her mother Wednesday evening (before the holiday started). She said, “Here, speak to your mother-in-law,” as she handed me the phone and made sure I knew to wish her a good year. As I said, I had already decided on this approach as we were getting set to start the Jewish New Year. Still, at this point, I really did not have a choice, even if I had planned on something else.
“How can you go wrong wishing someone a Happy New Year”. So to all the Jews out there, and even the Non-Jews, I say to you, “I hope you have a good year”.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
A Holiday Atmosphere
My mother-in-law is going to be in the nursing home, for rehab, for the Jewish High Holidays. The assisted living program where she lives is a Jewish facility. While she may not always take advantage of the services they offer, she does appreciate that they are available.
I would imagine it has to be difficult to live in such a facility on a holiday, any holiday, when nothing is being done for that holiday. Certainly, based on the importance of the Jewish High Holy Days, it would seem to make the situation more difficult.
As of the current time, I have not heard my mother-in-law complain about this. I am guessing, however, it is just a matter of time. What I would really like to do is find a time when I can make some of the traditional holiday foods and bring it to her. I would also like to get her a few religious items associated with the holiday.
I do not know that this will help but I hope that anything which can be done to give people more of a holiday atmosphere can, and probably should help.
I think my wife feels the same way and would like to do something for her mom, despite the difficulties of their relationship. The problem is she is not feeling very well right know and she is busy preparing for the holidays herself. It is probably very difficult for her to find the time to do it.
Hopefully everyone involved will be able to have an enjoyable and happy holiday.
I would imagine it has to be difficult to live in such a facility on a holiday, any holiday, when nothing is being done for that holiday. Certainly, based on the importance of the Jewish High Holy Days, it would seem to make the situation more difficult.
As of the current time, I have not heard my mother-in-law complain about this. I am guessing, however, it is just a matter of time. What I would really like to do is find a time when I can make some of the traditional holiday foods and bring it to her. I would also like to get her a few religious items associated with the holiday.
I do not know that this will help but I hope that anything which can be done to give people more of a holiday atmosphere can, and probably should help.
I think my wife feels the same way and would like to do something for her mom, despite the difficulties of their relationship. The problem is she is not feeling very well right know and she is busy preparing for the holidays herself. It is probably very difficult for her to find the time to do it.
Hopefully everyone involved will be able to have an enjoyable and happy holiday.
Monday, September 10, 2007
The Lion And The Lamb
Sometimes certain people just bring out the “best” in each other. When my wife was talking with one of the staff members of the nursing home where my mother-in-law is located, the staff (I believe in the health care field) indicated that some of her mom’s behavior was due to post stroke dementia.
My wife is curious as to why, however, the behavior being attributed to this, mainly exhibits itself when she and her mom are talking. When my mother-in-law and my son are together, most of the time, she is fine with him. When I am with my mother-in-law, most of the time she is fine with me. When it is my wife, it is a different story.
Following our move into our new home, I had a very pleasant conversation with my mother-in-law and she wished us well. It sounded that when she had a conversation with my wife, it started out on a friendly note, but it did not take long until it deteriorated into a shouting match.
As I have indicated before, when it comes to taking care of things and making sure everything is in order, my wife is the person you want to do it. She is very detailed and keeps track of everything. I actually think that is part of the problem. My wife is doing for her mom things her mom used to be able to do herself. That is almost like rubbing salt in the wounds. The problem is, if my wife does not do it, it will not get done. I still hope to see the day when the lion and the lamb can sit down in peace, or in this case, my wife and mother-in-law. Maybe I am foolish, but I still think one day it will happen. I hope I am right.
My wife is curious as to why, however, the behavior being attributed to this, mainly exhibits itself when she and her mom are talking. When my mother-in-law and my son are together, most of the time, she is fine with him. When I am with my mother-in-law, most of the time she is fine with me. When it is my wife, it is a different story.
Following our move into our new home, I had a very pleasant conversation with my mother-in-law and she wished us well. It sounded that when she had a conversation with my wife, it started out on a friendly note, but it did not take long until it deteriorated into a shouting match.
As I have indicated before, when it comes to taking care of things and making sure everything is in order, my wife is the person you want to do it. She is very detailed and keeps track of everything. I actually think that is part of the problem. My wife is doing for her mom things her mom used to be able to do herself. That is almost like rubbing salt in the wounds. The problem is, if my wife does not do it, it will not get done. I still hope to see the day when the lion and the lamb can sit down in peace, or in this case, my wife and mother-in-law. Maybe I am foolish, but I still think one day it will happen. I hope I am right.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Power Of "Thank You"
The other day my mother-in-law called and asked my wife to bring her some sweaters and warmer clothes. She was complaining it was too cold in the rehab facility where she is located. The way my wife tells the story, her mom was very rude and demanding. Apparently she first left a message on the house phone. After not hearing back from her daughter for a few hours, she called her on her cell phone. According to my wife, her mom was very upset and annoyed that her daughter had not picked up the message on the home phone. My wife added that she demanded she bring her some warmer clothes.
My wife considered not doing it. She is trying to get her mom to realize that the way you treat people and talk to them effects their willingness to help. In the end my wife and son brought over some warmer clothes.
Apparently things changed for the better somewhere between the call to her cell phone and my wife and son’s arrival to the nursing home. Her mom told her she did not need all of the clothes she brought over but thanked her numerous times for bringing them and for making the trip. She let my wife know that she now had clothes there to keep her warm.
It is amazing how much better my wife felt after this visit. A simple “Thank You,” but one that is sincere, can go a long way. As I have stated before, I do not know how long it stays like this but I am grateful for any time when my wife and her mother relate well to each other. I hope it continues for a while.
My wife considered not doing it. She is trying to get her mom to realize that the way you treat people and talk to them effects their willingness to help. In the end my wife and son brought over some warmer clothes.
Apparently things changed for the better somewhere between the call to her cell phone and my wife and son’s arrival to the nursing home. Her mom told her she did not need all of the clothes she brought over but thanked her numerous times for bringing them and for making the trip. She let my wife know that she now had clothes there to keep her warm.
It is amazing how much better my wife felt after this visit. A simple “Thank You,” but one that is sincere, can go a long way. As I have stated before, I do not know how long it stays like this but I am grateful for any time when my wife and her mother relate well to each other. I hope it continues for a while.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Ignore The Phone
The plan was to go out to dinner last night. Nothing could be simpler, right? Well, you know that simply by asking that question, the answer is “wrong”. Just before we were getting set to leave, the telephone rings and the caller-ID tells me it is my mother-in-law. I suggested to my wife that she let the machine get it and that we leave.
My wife tells me that she won’t do that because all that will lead to is her mother putting in numerous phone calls while we are out. So, my wife answers the phone and her mother says, “You have to get me out of here”.
“What’s wrong,” asks my wife.
Well, we are back to the food issue and how the food is no good and all the problems with it. As I mentioned, I certainly can see the point my mother-in-law makes but it seems that no matter what they do for her, at any of the facilities, she is not going to be happy.
As we are driving to the restaurant, my wife calls the rehab center where my mother-in-law is located. She is told that they brought her mom the phone she ordered off the menu. I do not know how wide of a selection they had and if there was anything on the menu she wanted but it was, apparently what she ordered.
We have now arrived at the restaurant and are seated. My wife tells me she is going to call her mother back from the table because that way she will be prevented from yelling and screaming at her mom. She does so and tells her mother what the people at the facility told her.
Her mother starts screaming, so loud that I could hear her through my wife’s telephone, that this was not true and she did not order it. My wife is trying to respond calmly, “Mom, I’m telling you what they said to me…”
Again, she is interrupted as my mother-in-law starts screaming and then hangs up before my wife can get a word in. My wife is now very frustrated and really unable to eat. See, it would have been better if she just let the machine answer.
My wife tells me that she won’t do that because all that will lead to is her mother putting in numerous phone calls while we are out. So, my wife answers the phone and her mother says, “You have to get me out of here”.
“What’s wrong,” asks my wife.
Well, we are back to the food issue and how the food is no good and all the problems with it. As I mentioned, I certainly can see the point my mother-in-law makes but it seems that no matter what they do for her, at any of the facilities, she is not going to be happy.
As we are driving to the restaurant, my wife calls the rehab center where my mother-in-law is located. She is told that they brought her mom the phone she ordered off the menu. I do not know how wide of a selection they had and if there was anything on the menu she wanted but it was, apparently what she ordered.
We have now arrived at the restaurant and are seated. My wife tells me she is going to call her mother back from the table because that way she will be prevented from yelling and screaming at her mom. She does so and tells her mother what the people at the facility told her.
Her mother starts screaming, so loud that I could hear her through my wife’s telephone, that this was not true and she did not order it. My wife is trying to respond calmly, “Mom, I’m telling you what they said to me…”
Again, she is interrupted as my mother-in-law starts screaming and then hangs up before my wife can get a word in. My wife is now very frustrated and really unable to eat. See, it would have been better if she just let the machine answer.
Monday, September 3, 2007
The Mother-In-Law Who Cried Wolf
I stopped by, with my son, to see my mother-in-law yesterday. We came by shortly before dinner time. My mother-in-law chose not to eat in the dinning room, so they brought dinner to her, in her room. It was a cheese dog, Italian wedding soup and pudding. My mother-in-law told them to take it away.
Her thinking was that at a nursing home facility that caters to the elderly, they really should have food that is more appropriate. I can see her point. Certainly I would think that something lower in fat and sodium should be available.
The staff was actually very nice and they were trying to see what they could find her instead. Egg salad was decided upon. She was told they would bring her an egg salad sandwich but she asked for it without the bread. Another member of the staff came back a little while later and told her that all they had were egg salad sandwiches, so that would be what they would bring her and she could take it off the bread.
I have to admit, the sandwich did not look very appetizing and it seemed to be scarce on the egg salad. My mother-in-law was not happy, but she did eat it (and then looked at me and said something to the effect of, “You see what I have to put up with here”.
The problem is my mother-in-law is like the boy who cried wolf. First, she is not always very friendly or nice about asking for something else to eat, or indicating that what they are serving her is not appropriate. In addition, whatever facility she is at, whatever they serve her, she has a problem. It is hard to know if, when she complains, there really is something wrong or if it is just her. And, while it may not be right, based on the way she treats the staff, they are not always so quick (or do not want to be so quick) to fix, or change the situation.
My mother-in-law needs to realize you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. My mother-in-law needs to realize that things may not always be perfect, but they could be acceptable. My mother-in-law needs to realize that in order for her complaints to be taken seriously, she cannot complain all the time, about every little thing. And, my wife needs to realize that sometimes when her mother complains, her mom has a legitimate point.
It is these easy things that are often the hardest to do.
Her thinking was that at a nursing home facility that caters to the elderly, they really should have food that is more appropriate. I can see her point. Certainly I would think that something lower in fat and sodium should be available.
The staff was actually very nice and they were trying to see what they could find her instead. Egg salad was decided upon. She was told they would bring her an egg salad sandwich but she asked for it without the bread. Another member of the staff came back a little while later and told her that all they had were egg salad sandwiches, so that would be what they would bring her and she could take it off the bread.
I have to admit, the sandwich did not look very appetizing and it seemed to be scarce on the egg salad. My mother-in-law was not happy, but she did eat it (and then looked at me and said something to the effect of, “You see what I have to put up with here”.
The problem is my mother-in-law is like the boy who cried wolf. First, she is not always very friendly or nice about asking for something else to eat, or indicating that what they are serving her is not appropriate. In addition, whatever facility she is at, whatever they serve her, she has a problem. It is hard to know if, when she complains, there really is something wrong or if it is just her. And, while it may not be right, based on the way she treats the staff, they are not always so quick (or do not want to be so quick) to fix, or change the situation.
My mother-in-law needs to realize you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. My mother-in-law needs to realize that things may not always be perfect, but they could be acceptable. My mother-in-law needs to realize that in order for her complaints to be taken seriously, she cannot complain all the time, about every little thing. And, my wife needs to realize that sometimes when her mother complains, her mom has a legitimate point.
It is these easy things that are often the hardest to do.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
To Visit Or Not To Visit
The question today is should I take my son to see Grandma. Yesterday I ended up in the hospital as I strained a muscle while packing some boxes as we are getting set to move. I was given quite a scare when they did an EKG to make sure it was not heart related and the technician said she did not like the way it looked and ran it back to the doctor.
The doctor wanted a second EKG done after they shaved some of my chest hair as he thought it might have gotten in the way and given them a false reading. It turns out that was the case (although it took than over an hour and a half to tell me that while my mind conjured up all sorts of images of dying, of needing heart surgery and who knows what else). So, the bottom line is, it seems like a did something to the muscle but I did not break it or do anything that would show up on an x-ray. I was told to take it easy for the next couple of days (with Monday being Labor Day, I shouldn’t even need to miss time at work).
Now, my wife points out with a strained or sore muscle, just turning the wrong way could aggravate it, just driving could do some damage. On the other hand, I do not just want to stay here and do nothing (and no one told me I had to do nothing). My wife told her mother that I probably would not be bringing her grandson over to see her.
I, however, like bringing him over. I like the way they relate to each other and how it seems to be good for both of them. I like spending time with the two of them. Still, I do want to take it easy. So, right now my son is busy watching television and spending time on the computer. My wife is getting things taken care of in the house (the place where we will be living as of next weekend) and I am relaxing and typing blog entries. I am going to play it by ear and see about heading over to Grandma’s and see what my son wants to do, or if he comes and asks if we can visit.
Fortunately he has been over there a couple of times this week (although never enough for Grandma), so even if we do not get there, I am not depriving a grandmother of seeing her grandson for an entire week.
The doctor wanted a second EKG done after they shaved some of my chest hair as he thought it might have gotten in the way and given them a false reading. It turns out that was the case (although it took than over an hour and a half to tell me that while my mind conjured up all sorts of images of dying, of needing heart surgery and who knows what else). So, the bottom line is, it seems like a did something to the muscle but I did not break it or do anything that would show up on an x-ray. I was told to take it easy for the next couple of days (with Monday being Labor Day, I shouldn’t even need to miss time at work).
Now, my wife points out with a strained or sore muscle, just turning the wrong way could aggravate it, just driving could do some damage. On the other hand, I do not just want to stay here and do nothing (and no one told me I had to do nothing). My wife told her mother that I probably would not be bringing her grandson over to see her.
I, however, like bringing him over. I like the way they relate to each other and how it seems to be good for both of them. I like spending time with the two of them. Still, I do want to take it easy. So, right now my son is busy watching television and spending time on the computer. My wife is getting things taken care of in the house (the place where we will be living as of next weekend) and I am relaxing and typing blog entries. I am going to play it by ear and see about heading over to Grandma’s and see what my son wants to do, or if he comes and asks if we can visit.
Fortunately he has been over there a couple of times this week (although never enough for Grandma), so even if we do not get there, I am not depriving a grandmother of seeing her grandson for an entire week.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
You're Right, And You're Right, And You're Right Too
My mother-in-law wants to have some money, some cash lying around her nursing home room. I can actually understand this. If she wants to get something, she does not want to have to call her daughter to bring her cash. Sometimes you just want to be able to buy something. My wife has told her she has an account set up at the facility so if she want to get her hair done, or something like that, she can and does not need to have cash. Her mom still wants to have some money nearby. Even with the account set up, I can understand where my mother-in-law is coming from.
My wife has a different attitude. She says that people are told not to keep cash around in such facilities because it tends to go “walking”. My wife says even when she is in a more secure environment, like her assisted living program, she has a tendency to misplace things and then call my wife and tell her that the staff has taken these items. My wife is right, her mother does do that. My wife feels that when she misplaces the cash at the nursing home (or when someone truly does take it), she will be getting a call from her mom and it will become my wife’s problem even though there is nothing she can do. My wife feels that with the account set up, anything her mom needs, she can get. I can certainly understand where my wife is coming from.
I do not know the answer or solution. The whole situation reminds me of a scene from Fiddler on the Roof. It is what I call the “You’re Right, You’re Right and You’re Right Too scenario”. In the movie, two sides plead their case to Tevya (I don’t even remember what the case is). After hearing the first side, Tevya says, “You know, you’re right”. Upon hearing the other person plead the other side of the case, Tevya says, “You know, you’re right.” When a bystander asks, “How can they both be right?”, Tevya replies, “You know, you’re right too.”
I hear my mother-in-law’s side and I say to myself, “you know, you’re right”. I hear my wife’s side and I say to myself, “you know, your right”. I then ask myself how can they both be right and I answer by saying, “you know, you’re right too”.
I do not know the answer to the situation, I just hope something can be worked out to everyone’s satisfaction.
My wife has a different attitude. She says that people are told not to keep cash around in such facilities because it tends to go “walking”. My wife says even when she is in a more secure environment, like her assisted living program, she has a tendency to misplace things and then call my wife and tell her that the staff has taken these items. My wife is right, her mother does do that. My wife feels that when she misplaces the cash at the nursing home (or when someone truly does take it), she will be getting a call from her mom and it will become my wife’s problem even though there is nothing she can do. My wife feels that with the account set up, anything her mom needs, she can get. I can certainly understand where my wife is coming from.
I do not know the answer or solution. The whole situation reminds me of a scene from Fiddler on the Roof. It is what I call the “You’re Right, You’re Right and You’re Right Too scenario”. In the movie, two sides plead their case to Tevya (I don’t even remember what the case is). After hearing the first side, Tevya says, “You know, you’re right”. Upon hearing the other person plead the other side of the case, Tevya says, “You know, you’re right.” When a bystander asks, “How can they both be right?”, Tevya replies, “You know, you’re right too.”
I hear my mother-in-law’s side and I say to myself, “you know, you’re right”. I hear my wife’s side and I say to myself, “you know, your right”. I then ask myself how can they both be right and I answer by saying, “you know, you’re right too”.
I do not know the answer to the situation, I just hope something can be worked out to everyone’s satisfaction.
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