Seeing Things As An Outsider

Isn’t it always easier to live someone else’s life better than he or she is living it. We can always see things better when we are not the one emotionally involved. Yesterday my wife was trying to get everything set for Yom Kippur, including the house straightened, and things set for both the meal before the fast and the meal afterwards, for breaking the fast.

During this time, her mom called her a number of time and my wife got frustrated as this interruption kept her from doing what she needed to do. My mother-in-law is no longer in her own house, she feels that she is not making her own decisions and the Jewish Holidays now only serve as a reminder of what she once was able to do in terms of hosting large gatherings but now is incapable of doing.

Not only is my mother-in-law not in her own home, she is not even in her own assisted living facility. She did a number on her foot and is no in rehab. The assisted living facility where she lives is a Jewish facility. They usually have some kind of service right at the facility and they provide shuttle transportation to all the synagogues in the area. The rehab facility she is at is not a Jewish facility. They are all very nice there but it does not offer her a religious experience, one that would be important to her. Even if she does not participate, it is important that there is something at the facility. At this location, there is not.

I spoke with my wife’s mother shortly before the Yom Kippur Holiday began. My wife talked with her for a little and then handed me the phone. When I hung up, my wife asked me if her mother was still crying (which she was). I could not help but think, this was not such a bad thing. And, we talk about the grieving of any loss. To my wife’s mother, the Holidays are now a time to grieve a loss, a loss of what she can no longer do; a loss of what used to be.

To me, this all makes sense. Again, being the outsider, I feel I have so much of a better handle on this. Still, while I can offer to help and do things (which certainly happens), I certainly am not the one to take over. I just wish sometimes my wife were a little more understanding of the situation (and that my mother-in-law were a little more understanding of my wife’s situation).