If all goes well, my mother-in-law will get out of the rehab facility on Friday. They are still not reading to take the soft cast off. They are actually saying she will probably need it for another four weeks. She will need to use a walker for awhile. Still, they are releasing her.
My mother-in-law, who has wanted to leave that facility since she got there, is now a bit apprehensive. She is concerned and wondering if she should get an aide to help. The irony in all this. My wife thought her mother would be required to have an aide. My wife expected her mother to fight that. In the end, she is told she will not need one and she is feeling like she might want one.
I actually can understand that. She is anxious to get back to her place and see all her friends. Still, there is the concern she has that maybe she is not ready. It would be nice if this event helps her turned the corner. I would like to believe that she will appreciate now, more than before, what she has. I doubt that will happen, however. While initially she might let herself enjoy living in the assisted living program, while initially she might appreciate all the freedoms, it will not last.
I do not mean to sound pessimistic, it is just that I have been around her enough to know that at some point, she will get fed up and resort back to her old ways. That could happen after just one day, or it might take several weeks, or even months before it happens. It would be nice if it never occurred, but I am not holding my breath. At some point, she will start trying to run everyone’s life.
Well, enjoy what you have while you have it, because tomorrow can be a completely different day.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Announcements
This is a Paid Post
We spend a lifetime trying to assert our independence from our parents. The truth, however, is we realize how much they gave to us and we are willing to give back to them. While I usually write about the trials and tribulations of my mother-in-law, the fact is my wife and I looked to pay homage to my father-in-law (her dad) as well. He was fighting a losing battle with cancer. Instead of having the big wedding we had planned and we wanted, we did a small ceremony at my (now) wife’s parent’s house. My father-in-law passed away a week after the wedding.
While we did not invite guests, after the ceremony, we did send out wedding announcements. There were a number of places we looked and it is always nice to find new places, places that do different things, to see what is available. When our son was born, not surprisingly, we name him after my father-in-law. Of course, we sent out Birth Announcements.
Isn’t it interesting that any time you have a special event, or a “Save the Date” function, we look to spend money to send out announcements. The truth is, however, I have never regretted sending out such announcements.
We spend a lifetime trying to assert our independence from our parents. The truth, however, is we realize how much they gave to us and we are willing to give back to them. While I usually write about the trials and tribulations of my mother-in-law, the fact is my wife and I looked to pay homage to my father-in-law (her dad) as well. He was fighting a losing battle with cancer. Instead of having the big wedding we had planned and we wanted, we did a small ceremony at my (now) wife’s parent’s house. My father-in-law passed away a week after the wedding.
While we did not invite guests, after the ceremony, we did send out wedding announcements. There were a number of places we looked and it is always nice to find new places, places that do different things, to see what is available. When our son was born, not surprisingly, we name him after my father-in-law. Of course, we sent out Birth Announcements.
Isn’t it interesting that any time you have a special event, or a “Save the Date” function, we look to spend money to send out announcements. The truth is, however, I have never regretted sending out such announcements.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Blowing Shofar
Yesterday my son and I went to visit my mother-in-law. It was a relatively short visit as we did not get a chance to head over there until later in the day. My wife had made some comment to her mom the day before about me blowing shofar at services.
The shofar is a ram’s horn that is blown on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (Yom Kippur to signify the end of the fast). At my congregation, on Yom Kippur, they urge all congregants who have a shofar, to bring it to services and to blow it at the appropriate time. There are often 50 people or more blowing the shofar.
My wife and I picked one up a few years ago. As a former trombone player, I can get some sounds out of the shofar (since the mouth positions are similar). My wife tried getting a sound out of the shofar with no luck. Then she handed it to me and was amazed that I was able to get a sound. She mentioned this to her mother.
My mother-in-law was impressed and since she had not heard the shofar blow at all over this holiday season (since she is in rehab), she asked if I could bring it when we came to visit and blow the shofar for her. I was happy to oblige.
I mentioned in earlier posts that I had hoped to do some cooking of holiday foods for her to help create a holiday atmosphere. I never got to do that. I sort of felt that by doing this, I helped create a holiday mood for my mother-in-law and that it helped.
The visit was relatively short, although we did end up staying close to an hour. It was a pleasant visit and one that I hoped filled all of my mother-in-law’s expectations. At least for the little time we were there, it seemed to make a difference.
The shofar is a ram’s horn that is blown on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (Yom Kippur to signify the end of the fast). At my congregation, on Yom Kippur, they urge all congregants who have a shofar, to bring it to services and to blow it at the appropriate time. There are often 50 people or more blowing the shofar.
My wife and I picked one up a few years ago. As a former trombone player, I can get some sounds out of the shofar (since the mouth positions are similar). My wife tried getting a sound out of the shofar with no luck. Then she handed it to me and was amazed that I was able to get a sound. She mentioned this to her mother.
My mother-in-law was impressed and since she had not heard the shofar blow at all over this holiday season (since she is in rehab), she asked if I could bring it when we came to visit and blow the shofar for her. I was happy to oblige.
I mentioned in earlier posts that I had hoped to do some cooking of holiday foods for her to help create a holiday atmosphere. I never got to do that. I sort of felt that by doing this, I helped create a holiday mood for my mother-in-law and that it helped.
The visit was relatively short, although we did end up staying close to an hour. It was a pleasant visit and one that I hoped filled all of my mother-in-law’s expectations. At least for the little time we were there, it seemed to make a difference.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Seeing Things As An Outsider
Isn’t it always easier to live someone else’s life better than he or she is living it. We can always see things better when we are not the one emotionally involved. Yesterday my wife was trying to get everything set for Yom Kippur, including the house straightened, and things set for both the meal before the fast and the meal afterwards, for breaking the fast.
During this time, her mom called her a number of time and my wife got frustrated as this interruption kept her from doing what she needed to do. My mother-in-law is no longer in her own house, she feels that she is not making her own decisions and the Jewish Holidays now only serve as a reminder of what she once was able to do in terms of hosting large gatherings but now is incapable of doing.
Not only is my mother-in-law not in her own home, she is not even in her own assisted living facility. She did a number on her foot and is no in rehab. The assisted living facility where she lives is a Jewish facility. They usually have some kind of service right at the facility and they provide shuttle transportation to all the synagogues in the area. The rehab facility she is at is not a Jewish facility. They are all very nice there but it does not offer her a religious experience, one that would be important to her. Even if she does not participate, it is important that there is something at the facility. At this location, there is not.
I spoke with my wife’s mother shortly before the Yom Kippur Holiday began. My wife talked with her for a little and then handed me the phone. When I hung up, my wife asked me if her mother was still crying (which she was). I could not help but think, this was not such a bad thing. And, we talk about the grieving of any loss. To my wife’s mother, the Holidays are now a time to grieve a loss, a loss of what she can no longer do; a loss of what used to be.
To me, this all makes sense. Again, being the outsider, I feel I have so much of a better handle on this. Still, while I can offer to help and do things (which certainly happens), I certainly am not the one to take over. I just wish sometimes my wife were a little more understanding of the situation (and that my mother-in-law were a little more understanding of my wife’s situation).
During this time, her mom called her a number of time and my wife got frustrated as this interruption kept her from doing what she needed to do. My mother-in-law is no longer in her own house, she feels that she is not making her own decisions and the Jewish Holidays now only serve as a reminder of what she once was able to do in terms of hosting large gatherings but now is incapable of doing.
Not only is my mother-in-law not in her own home, she is not even in her own assisted living facility. She did a number on her foot and is no in rehab. The assisted living facility where she lives is a Jewish facility. They usually have some kind of service right at the facility and they provide shuttle transportation to all the synagogues in the area. The rehab facility she is at is not a Jewish facility. They are all very nice there but it does not offer her a religious experience, one that would be important to her. Even if she does not participate, it is important that there is something at the facility. At this location, there is not.
I spoke with my wife’s mother shortly before the Yom Kippur Holiday began. My wife talked with her for a little and then handed me the phone. When I hung up, my wife asked me if her mother was still crying (which she was). I could not help but think, this was not such a bad thing. And, we talk about the grieving of any loss. To my wife’s mother, the Holidays are now a time to grieve a loss, a loss of what she can no longer do; a loss of what used to be.
To me, this all makes sense. Again, being the outsider, I feel I have so much of a better handle on this. Still, while I can offer to help and do things (which certainly happens), I certainly am not the one to take over. I just wish sometimes my wife were a little more understanding of the situation (and that my mother-in-law were a little more understanding of my wife’s situation).
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Fasting And Not Fasting
As we approach the Jewish Holiday of Yom Kippur, it is interesting what people believe and try to do. The holiday includes a full 25 hour fast, with nothing to eat or drink (including water). However, if you have a medical issue, than you are required to take care of it instead of fasting.
My mother-in-law is diabetic. It is important that she eat on a regular basis to keep the blood sugar at consistent levels. Every year she tells us she is not going to fast (when my wife asks), but every year she ends up fasting.
As my mother-in-law continues to rehab, it is important that she build up her strength, keep it up to the level it is now. She should be eating.
I do not know what she will do. The problem is, many of us how it so ingrained in our brains that we do what we need to, to make sure we fast. Truth is, if there is a medical reason, not only is eat permissible to eat, it is a requirement.
It would be nice if, in addition to trying to fast, we understood our body’s needs and were willing to make sure they are met, if the situation is like or death.
G’mar Hatima Tova!
My mother-in-law is diabetic. It is important that she eat on a regular basis to keep the blood sugar at consistent levels. Every year she tells us she is not going to fast (when my wife asks), but every year she ends up fasting.
As my mother-in-law continues to rehab, it is important that she build up her strength, keep it up to the level it is now. She should be eating.
I do not know what she will do. The problem is, many of us how it so ingrained in our brains that we do what we need to, to make sure we fast. Truth is, if there is a medical reason, not only is eat permissible to eat, it is a requirement.
It would be nice if, in addition to trying to fast, we understood our body’s needs and were willing to make sure they are met, if the situation is like or death.
G’mar Hatima Tova!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Time Of Day Is Important
I have come to realize that when you are taking care of an elderly parent, or a parent who needs assistance, the time of day you talk with that individual can make a huge difference. My wife works the overnight shift. When she comes home, she is tired. She has not yet wound down from the pressures of the job (sometimes she does not even realize she needs to). Not surprising, she can also be cranky (of course, I am never cranky when I come home from work-lol).
It seems that it is at this time her mom decides to call her. I really think she should ask her mom not to call her until after 10 AM, or some time, where she has had time to unwind. She will not do that and she will be angry with me if I meddle and suggest it to her mom. Still, I think it would be helpful and hopefully cut down on some of the yelling.
This evening my wife had a bad headache before she left for work. I am surprised that she decided to call her mom at this point. She should have known how her body was feeling and listened to it. I think it would have helped. Instead the two of them ended up in a yelling match (again).
Sometimes we should let our clocks be our guide.
It seems that it is at this time her mom decides to call her. I really think she should ask her mom not to call her until after 10 AM, or some time, where she has had time to unwind. She will not do that and she will be angry with me if I meddle and suggest it to her mom. Still, I think it would be helpful and hopefully cut down on some of the yelling.
This evening my wife had a bad headache before she left for work. I am surprised that she decided to call her mom at this point. She should have known how her body was feeling and listened to it. I think it would have helped. Instead the two of them ended up in a yelling match (again).
Sometimes we should let our clocks be our guide.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Stay Calm, Please!
Today my mother-in-law called my wife’s cell phone wanting to talk with her grandson. My wife was getting set to go to a meeting and listening to my wife on the phone, you would think her mom committed a terrible offense.
From my end I hear, “Maaa, I gotta go, I have a meeting in less than 15 minutes.”
“Yes, they are here” (obviously asking about me and my son).
“Call back on the house phone” and, “You have the number,” are not far off.
Well, my mother-in-law never called so after about half an hour, we called her. She asked for the home phone number and I gave it to her. My wife’s mother says, “But, that’s the same number you had in the apartment.”
“Yes Mom. We were able to keep the same number.”
Her mom, initially did not realize that we no longer had a phone at the apartment as well as here in the new house. Her mom did not realize that we were able to keep the same phone number. I explained to her all that we did and she understood.
Sometimes I really wish my wife would treat her mother like some of the people she works for and understand she needs to be patient. When my wife got home from the meeting, I told her what was confusing her mother.
“But, I explained all this to her,” she says in a frustrated voice.
Sometimes I do not understand why she gets so frustrated.
From my end I hear, “Maaa, I gotta go, I have a meeting in less than 15 minutes.”
“Yes, they are here” (obviously asking about me and my son).
“Call back on the house phone” and, “You have the number,” are not far off.
Well, my mother-in-law never called so after about half an hour, we called her. She asked for the home phone number and I gave it to her. My wife’s mother says, “But, that’s the same number you had in the apartment.”
“Yes Mom. We were able to keep the same number.”
Her mom, initially did not realize that we no longer had a phone at the apartment as well as here in the new house. Her mom did not realize that we were able to keep the same phone number. I explained to her all that we did and she understood.
Sometimes I really wish my wife would treat her mother like some of the people she works for and understand she needs to be patient. When my wife got home from the meeting, I told her what was confusing her mother.
“But, I explained all this to her,” she says in a frustrated voice.
Sometimes I do not understand why she gets so frustrated.
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