Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Despite being times when I really feel like strangling my son (Don’t worry, I would never do it), he really is a good guy and very perceptive. He has noticed how my Mother-in-law really seems to enjoy getting out.

When she complains about there being nothing to do, I tell her if she lets me know where she wants to go, I would be happy to take her there. Still, she never indicates that she wants to go anywhere. Even the times that I invite her, my mother-in-law usually says the weather is not great and she would rather not go out.

My son has picked up on the fact that if he asks her, she is more likely to say yes. He also notices that when she is out she seems to smile more and have a better time than when she is at her assisted living facility. As a result, the past couple of weeks, without my prompting, he has called her and invited her out. Both times she has agreed. Both times she seems to really enjoy getting out and even when she returns back, she still seem to be in a better mood.

It may be actions rather than words but, “Out of the mouths of babes,” still seems to fit.

Rough Driving

I was teaching a class this evening and as I was driving home and was driving into blinding snow. The roads were not slippery and the snow was not even that heavy but it was coming straight at the windshield. The fact that I do not prefer night driving in the first place and that I was dealing with a blinding snow made for quite an interesting ride home.

As I was driving, it occurred to me that I was probably experiencing some of the same emotions my mother-in-law does, living in an assisted living facility. For instance, I have done this drive hundreds of times. This, however, was the first time at night in this kind of snow. As I am driving fighting to hold the road and follow it, I see all sorts of vehicles pass me by as though they are having no problem.

My mother-in-law knows she cannot do the things she once did. Things that she used to do all the time, things that she used to do as a way to make a living, are things she can no longer do. Just like I found it frustrating driving a road that I know and had difficulty handling, she has got to have a hard time not doing those things she used to do so easily years ago.

There were stretches of the road where, for whatever reason, I had an easier time handling the road. Then it got tougher again. Sometimes my mother-in-law is right on the money and able to do a lot and sometimes she has trouble following seemingly simple information. Sometimes she too can follow the road only to find it turns back into the road that was giving us trouble.

If, when we deal with people in assisted living programs (specifically parents), this is the type of thing we need to remember. There will be times, and already are times, when the things we used to do so easily will be difficult. Just like we want to be treated nicely and have people understand (I did not mind people passing me but those that honked and flashed their brights at me, well that is a different story.

Forget the fact that one day we may be in the shoes our parents are at the current time, when it comes to certain aspects of our lives, we may already be there.

Ignoring E-Mails!

As I mentioned yesterday, my sister-in-law (My wife’s, brother’s, wife) was recently up here. She and I share a mother-in-law. We have also both been told not to voice our opinions too loudly.

What I recently learned is, when she was up here for a few days, my wife starting e-mailing her everyday telling her what her mom could and could not do. My sister-in-law said this got to be so much she simply hit the delete button before even reading the text.

My wife is excellent when it comes to keeping on top of things. She know what meds her mom gets and when she needs them. She knows when her mother needs to eat to keep the blood sugar stabilized so there is no diabetic episode. She truly stays on top of a lot.

Unfortunately, she can overdo it. Part of the reason her mom cannot do so much is because she is not given the opportunity and she hears from others that she cannot do something. I am not so naïve to believe she can do now the same things she could have done 20 years ago. I certainly understand that, following her stroke, her mom is not capable of doing certain things. Still, give her the opportunity.

When the sister-in-law was up her, she took my mother-in-law out shopping, out to the mall and out to dinner. In fact one evening my sister-in-law and her daughter did not get out to dinner until after 8PM. Mother-in-law was invited but she turned down the offer. A few minutes later she put her coat on and said she decided she did want to go with them. My wife felt that her mom was run ragged but I thought this was great medicine and I have not seen my mother-in-law do this well in a long time!

A Mammogram

It has been a while since I posted and I would like to say that things have changed, but they really haven’t.

Last week, my Mother-in-law’s doctor was in touch with my wife that she wanted my Mother-in-law to come in for a mammogram. Now, I’m not quite sure of the sequence of things, but apparently my wife had to make the appointment. The mammogram was with a new doctor, so my wife was making an appointment for her mom with someone neither of them had seen before.

Apparently the doctor needed my Mother-in-law to sign a consent form allowing my wife to set the appointment, due to the HIPA laws. My wife stopped what she was doing, went to get a form and called her mom to come over to sign it.

When her mother got here, my wife cornered her as soon as she walked in, thrusting the paper in front of her and telling her to sign it (or so I was told by another in-law, as I was not here when it took place). She did not greet her mom, give her mom a chance to take off her coat or sit down, it was just thrown at her.

My mother-in-law wanted to know what it was and upon being informed, she refused to sign it. Apparently, she was not convinced she needed one and if she was going to get one, she wanted to be the one to set up the appointment.

I asked my wife what was so terrible about that and was told that she keeps giving everyone a different story as to what is wrong and what hurts and the only way the doctor will get an accurate story is if she (my wife) is there. “Isn’t it better that she at least have the mammogram, even if she doesn’t tell the same story,” I persisted. “Maybe the doctor won’t have a fully accurate picture from the information your mom gives but he will have the results of the mammography and will at least now if something is wrong”.

“Maybe,” my wife responded. She continued, “But, maybe the doctor will refuse to even see her if she can’t tell an accurate story and maybe he will need some family history information in order to get a correct reading”.

Maybe my wife is correct but it seems to me that it is better to have something than nothing and her mom needs to have a feeling of having some independence, even if it is just making an appointment. I don’t know if her mom would have signed it had she not felt “attacked,” when she first walked in the house but certainly, I believe, it would have helped. Certainly, I believe, again from what I heard, that it would have been a calmer situation that would have ended differently than having both my wife and her mom in tears.

As for how this is going to get resolve, I don’t know. I have some strong thoughts but, speaking from experience, I know my wife really does not want to hear my opinions. So, I just stay quiet and try to be supportive.

What Am I Missing

I don’t get it! I just don’t get it! I watch my wife and her mother deal with each other, and I just don’t understand.

My mother-in-law called earlier today. My wife was putting our son to bed and I was doing some work in the basement, unable to get to the phone (and not wanting to interrupt my work at that point). Caller ID let us know it was my wife’s mother who called, so she went to call back (I think while my Mother-in-law was trying to leave a message).

All of a sudden I heard screaming. Apparently my Mother-in-law was telling my wife that she called us and the attendant came on. My wife said “No,” and told her Mom we don’t have that. Her Mom then started screaming at her, that this is what happened and my wife shouldn’t aggravate her. My wife got off the phone very upset and all in tears.

Okay, so I am confused. I don’t understand why her Mother got so upset and why she told my wife not to aggravate her. I don’t understand why my wife looked to correct her Mom. Just leave it alone. I do not know what tone of voice my wife used (not always as friendly as she thinks it is). It seems to me like this whole thing could have been avoided.

I also don’t understand why my wife rushes to call her Mom back every time she calls. She will complain about talking to her Mom numerous times a day but she continually calls back. My wife claims it is because her Mom will continually call until she responds. I do not know if it is true but if that is the case, I say answer once, tell her that based on her behavior she will not be talking to her again that day and then don’t answer the phone when she calls. I think she should try it and see what happens. It may not be the most grown up thing to do (although maybe it is) but it certainly will make the point.

By the way, if you think I will suggest it to my wife, forget it. I know what fate awaits me if I try suggesting to her how she should deal with her Mom.

So, as I said before, I don’t get it!

Checkers

It is so hard to determine if my Mother-in-Law is having a bad day or if she is showing signs of dementia. My wife has been convinced for a number of years her mom has been showing signs. I am not so convinced and truly think she does not know how to relate to her mother.

I still have my doubts as to whether moving her into an assisted living program, 300 plus miles from where she was living no less, was a good move. I have seen her mother deteriorate over the past few years she has been there. What I don’t know is, is it a good thing she is at this facility because she is deteriorating or is she deteriorating because she is here and is not given the opportunity to do things for herself.

In fairness, my Mother-in-Law has some opportunities to do some things for herself, but she refuses. She would rather sulk and mope and that just makes the situation worse.

The other day, I took my son over to see Grandma. The two of them decided to play a game of checkers. They have done this before. On this day, however, Grandma was insistent that the person playing black is supposed to put the black checkers on black squares and the person playing red is supposed to put the red checkers on red squares.

I tried explaining that it really doesn’t matter if you play on the red squares or the black squares (the rules actually say black) as long as all checkers are on the same color, since the game involves moving diagonally. She set up the pieces that way but was all confused and had trouble grasping the correct way of playing.

Later that day the three of us took out a deck of cards and started playing poker (might as well teach my son at an early age). This Grandma had no trouble recalling or playing correctly. Okay, she gets a little forgetful as to what beats what but I’ve played with many people who have trouble keeping that straight.

Ultimately, I’m not the one who can do anything. That decision will either have to be made by my Mother-in-Law or by my wife. Still, I do try to keep my eye on things and pay attention to how well she is doing. Sometimes, it is difficult to get a read and all I can do is hope!

Getting To Know You

I was over at my Mother-in-law’s today and made a comment tongue-in-cheek. I got away with it (at least for now), but the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced (and am convinced) that I hit the nail on the head.

My wife’s mom was going through some papers and throwing things out. She made a comment about not wanting to do it and I told her she could stop. She said that was true as ultimately this would become my wife’s responsibility (to take care of her estate once she dies- which is a number of years away). My mother-in-law then made a comment about how her daughter would just throw things away without even looking at them.

Now, my wife is meticulous with things like this, almost to a fault. She is very detailed oriented and has been taking care of her mother’s bills since her mom suffered the stroke. I know how careful my wife would be about going through things like this. So, I responded by saying, “It’s amazing how much you and your daughter don’t really know each other”.

This is definitely a two way street. My wife gets frustrated with her mom over stupid little things that she should let slide. She does not give her mom credit or recognize what she can do or try to give her some independence to do some of these things on her own.

My comment, which just kind of slipped out, is definitely accurate. Neither one really knows who the other is, or what the other is all about.