I don’t get it! I just don’t get it! I watch my wife and her mother deal with each other, and I just don’t understand.
My mother-in-law called earlier today. My wife was putting our son to bed and I was doing some work in the basement, unable to get to the phone (and not wanting to interrupt my work at that point). Caller ID let us know it was my wife’s mother who called, so she went to call back (I think while my Mother-in-law was trying to leave a message).
All of a sudden I heard screaming. Apparently my Mother-in-law was telling my wife that she called us and the attendant came on. My wife said “No,” and told her Mom we don’t have that. Her Mom then started screaming at her, that this is what happened and my wife shouldn’t aggravate her. My wife got off the phone very upset and all in tears.
Okay, so I am confused. I don’t understand why her Mother got so upset and why she told my wife not to aggravate her. I don’t understand why my wife looked to correct her Mom. Just leave it alone. I do not know what tone of voice my wife used (not always as friendly as she thinks it is). It seems to me like this whole thing could have been avoided.
I also don’t understand why my wife rushes to call her Mom back every time she calls. She will complain about talking to her Mom numerous times a day but she continually calls back. My wife claims it is because her Mom will continually call until she responds. I do not know if it is true but if that is the case, I say answer once, tell her that based on her behavior she will not be talking to her again that day and then don’t answer the phone when she calls. I think she should try it and see what happens. It may not be the most grown up thing to do (although maybe it is) but it certainly will make the point.
By the way, if you think I will suggest it to my wife, forget it. I know what fate awaits me if I try suggesting to her how she should deal with her Mom.
So, as I said before, I don’t get it!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Checkers
It is so hard to determine if my Mother-in-Law is having a bad day or if she is showing signs of dementia. My wife has been convinced for a number of years her mom has been showing signs. I am not so convinced and truly think she does not know how to relate to her mother.
I still have my doubts as to whether moving her into an assisted living program, 300 plus miles from where she was living no less, was a good move. I have seen her mother deteriorate over the past few years she has been there. What I don’t know is, is it a good thing she is at this facility because she is deteriorating or is she deteriorating because she is here and is not given the opportunity to do things for herself.
In fairness, my Mother-in-Law has some opportunities to do some things for herself, but she refuses. She would rather sulk and mope and that just makes the situation worse.
The other day, I took my son over to see Grandma. The two of them decided to play a game of checkers. They have done this before. On this day, however, Grandma was insistent that the person playing black is supposed to put the black checkers on black squares and the person playing red is supposed to put the red checkers on red squares.
I tried explaining that it really doesn’t matter if you play on the red squares or the black squares (the rules actually say black) as long as all checkers are on the same color, since the game involves moving diagonally. She set up the pieces that way but was all confused and had trouble grasping the correct way of playing.
Later that day the three of us took out a deck of cards and started playing poker (might as well teach my son at an early age). This Grandma had no trouble recalling or playing correctly. Okay, she gets a little forgetful as to what beats what but I’ve played with many people who have trouble keeping that straight.
Ultimately, I’m not the one who can do anything. That decision will either have to be made by my Mother-in-Law or by my wife. Still, I do try to keep my eye on things and pay attention to how well she is doing. Sometimes, it is difficult to get a read and all I can do is hope!
I still have my doubts as to whether moving her into an assisted living program, 300 plus miles from where she was living no less, was a good move. I have seen her mother deteriorate over the past few years she has been there. What I don’t know is, is it a good thing she is at this facility because she is deteriorating or is she deteriorating because she is here and is not given the opportunity to do things for herself.
In fairness, my Mother-in-Law has some opportunities to do some things for herself, but she refuses. She would rather sulk and mope and that just makes the situation worse.
The other day, I took my son over to see Grandma. The two of them decided to play a game of checkers. They have done this before. On this day, however, Grandma was insistent that the person playing black is supposed to put the black checkers on black squares and the person playing red is supposed to put the red checkers on red squares.
I tried explaining that it really doesn’t matter if you play on the red squares or the black squares (the rules actually say black) as long as all checkers are on the same color, since the game involves moving diagonally. She set up the pieces that way but was all confused and had trouble grasping the correct way of playing.
Later that day the three of us took out a deck of cards and started playing poker (might as well teach my son at an early age). This Grandma had no trouble recalling or playing correctly. Okay, she gets a little forgetful as to what beats what but I’ve played with many people who have trouble keeping that straight.
Ultimately, I’m not the one who can do anything. That decision will either have to be made by my Mother-in-Law or by my wife. Still, I do try to keep my eye on things and pay attention to how well she is doing. Sometimes, it is difficult to get a read and all I can do is hope!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Getting To Know You
I was over at my Mother-in-law’s today and made a comment tongue-in-cheek. I got away with it (at least for now), but the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced (and am convinced) that I hit the nail on the head.
My wife’s mom was going through some papers and throwing things out. She made a comment about not wanting to do it and I told her she could stop. She said that was true as ultimately this would become my wife’s responsibility (to take care of her estate once she dies- which is a number of years away). My mother-in-law then made a comment about how her daughter would just throw things away without even looking at them.
Now, my wife is meticulous with things like this, almost to a fault. She is very detailed oriented and has been taking care of her mother’s bills since her mom suffered the stroke. I know how careful my wife would be about going through things like this. So, I responded by saying, “It’s amazing how much you and your daughter don’t really know each other”.
This is definitely a two way street. My wife gets frustrated with her mom over stupid little things that she should let slide. She does not give her mom credit or recognize what she can do or try to give her some independence to do some of these things on her own.
My comment, which just kind of slipped out, is definitely accurate. Neither one really knows who the other is, or what the other is all about.
My wife’s mom was going through some papers and throwing things out. She made a comment about not wanting to do it and I told her she could stop. She said that was true as ultimately this would become my wife’s responsibility (to take care of her estate once she dies- which is a number of years away). My mother-in-law then made a comment about how her daughter would just throw things away without even looking at them.
Now, my wife is meticulous with things like this, almost to a fault. She is very detailed oriented and has been taking care of her mother’s bills since her mom suffered the stroke. I know how careful my wife would be about going through things like this. So, I responded by saying, “It’s amazing how much you and your daughter don’t really know each other”.
This is definitely a two way street. My wife gets frustrated with her mom over stupid little things that she should let slide. She does not give her mom credit or recognize what she can do or try to give her some independence to do some of these things on her own.
My comment, which just kind of slipped out, is definitely accurate. Neither one really knows who the other is, or what the other is all about.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
The Plot
My dad used to comment when he went shopping, how there was a plot against him. He would joke that just as he got to the front of the line, a cashier needed to cash out, or one of the managers needed to do a pickup of some money. My dad used to joke that at one point he was truly convinced they did this just because they knew he had gotten to the front of the line and it was a plot against him. Of course, he eventually came to the realization that while it was frustrating, it was not by design.
The other day my mother-in-law called while my son was doing homework. My wife had just got him to settle down and focus on his work after about a half hour struggle with him insisting he was not doing it, when the phone rang. That was it, my son was no longer focused on his work. He talked to grandma and then refused to go back to his homework.
My wife was absolutely convinced that this was a plot against her. She knew her mom had figured my wife had just got the little one to calm down to do his work and she deliberately called just to distract my son. I heard her complain how she had just gotten our son to settle down and didn’t her mom know better.
Only difference was, unlike my dad, my wife never realized that this was not the case, although I can appreciate the frustration of trying to refocus him on his homework.
The other day my mother-in-law called while my son was doing homework. My wife had just got him to settle down and focus on his work after about a half hour struggle with him insisting he was not doing it, when the phone rang. That was it, my son was no longer focused on his work. He talked to grandma and then refused to go back to his homework.
My wife was absolutely convinced that this was a plot against her. She knew her mom had figured my wife had just got the little one to calm down to do his work and she deliberately called just to distract my son. I heard her complain how she had just gotten our son to settle down and didn’t her mom know better.
Only difference was, unlike my dad, my wife never realized that this was not the case, although I can appreciate the frustration of trying to refocus him on his homework.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Selective Memory
I used to talk with my Dad about people having selective memories. We remember things not the way they occurred, but the way we want to remember. Of course they are based in reality, but we remember making a comment showing how intelligent we were or how we diagnosed the situation so quickly, when in fact that never happened. That is just one example. I do not think this is a bad thing, but it does happen.
There is a variation of that and this is when we want someone to do something for us, so we make exceptions, but we do not make them for other people. Due to the Jewish Holidays and then my son not feeling well, it has been a few week since I got him over to his grandmother, my mother-in-law. I got him there today.
I am fighting a respiratory infection, but I am on antibiotics. She told me I should stay away from my son so I do not give it to him (who do you think gave it to me). When I pointed out that if I stayed completely away from him she would not be seeing him today, her attitude change. It was okay for me to do that, but other than that, I should stay away.
My wife has Pneumonia. She too is on antibiotics and getting better, but she still has it, is not feeling great and is coughing up a storm. She too was told, by her mother, to stay away from our son. When her mom, however, needed something from the store, she called my wife to ask her to get it. My wife has to stay away from her grandson, but she can go out to the mall and infect the whole community.
Again, I do understand where she is coming from and I think many of us would take a similar approach. Still, it is important that we always consider the source and why certain things are being said. We do not have to fight out every issue but we can, and I think should, engage in what I call selective hearing. Sometimes the smartest thing is just to pretend you did not hear. That is often the solution to selective memory.
There is a variation of that and this is when we want someone to do something for us, so we make exceptions, but we do not make them for other people. Due to the Jewish Holidays and then my son not feeling well, it has been a few week since I got him over to his grandmother, my mother-in-law. I got him there today.
I am fighting a respiratory infection, but I am on antibiotics. She told me I should stay away from my son so I do not give it to him (who do you think gave it to me). When I pointed out that if I stayed completely away from him she would not be seeing him today, her attitude change. It was okay for me to do that, but other than that, I should stay away.
My wife has Pneumonia. She too is on antibiotics and getting better, but she still has it, is not feeling great and is coughing up a storm. She too was told, by her mother, to stay away from our son. When her mom, however, needed something from the store, she called my wife to ask her to get it. My wife has to stay away from her grandson, but she can go out to the mall and infect the whole community.
Again, I do understand where she is coming from and I think many of us would take a similar approach. Still, it is important that we always consider the source and why certain things are being said. We do not have to fight out every issue but we can, and I think should, engage in what I call selective hearing. Sometimes the smartest thing is just to pretend you did not hear. That is often the solution to selective memory.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Hanging Up
My wife has gotten frustrated that, for the past few years, when the two of them get into arguments on the telephone, her mom will just hang up. I do not know that this is actually such a terrible thing, but I certainly understand the frustration. Well her mom called yesterday and wanted my wife to go to the store to buy her some things. My wife has not been feeling very well and refused to do it. And that point I hear my wife say in frustration, “She hung up again”.
Not less than 30 seconds later, the telephone rings and it is her mom calling back. I just hear the one side of the conversation. “No mom, you hung up on me, “ followed by, “Well then, we must have gotten disconnected”. This is followed by a little more arguing and then the phone being hung up.
My wife says to me, again in frustration, “I cannot believe she called back to see if I hung up”. Now, it seems to me that she should appreciate this call. Here she gets frustrated with her mother for just hanging up and she thinks her mom did it again. With this phone call, it would seemingly be apparent, at least at for this onetime, that it was not her mom hanging up. Since her mom’s line also got disconnected she (my mother-in-law) called to see what happened. Again, I would have taken the call as a positive sign, as knowing that I got frustrated for her hanging up, when that was not what she did, or was trying to do.
As I have said before, Oh well, I guess we are all very different people.
Not less than 30 seconds later, the telephone rings and it is her mom calling back. I just hear the one side of the conversation. “No mom, you hung up on me, “ followed by, “Well then, we must have gotten disconnected”. This is followed by a little more arguing and then the phone being hung up.
My wife says to me, again in frustration, “I cannot believe she called back to see if I hung up”. Now, it seems to me that she should appreciate this call. Here she gets frustrated with her mother for just hanging up and she thinks her mom did it again. With this phone call, it would seemingly be apparent, at least at for this onetime, that it was not her mom hanging up. Since her mom’s line also got disconnected she (my mother-in-law) called to see what happened. Again, I would have taken the call as a positive sign, as knowing that I got frustrated for her hanging up, when that was not what she did, or was trying to do.
As I have said before, Oh well, I guess we are all very different people.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Back To "Normal"
Well, it has been awhile since I have posted an entry. Between the Jewish Holidays and my son not feeling well with croup like conditions, things have been crazy. The good news is, my mother-in-law is out of the rehab and back in her assisted living program. In fact, she does not even need an aide. My wife feared it might be a 24 hour necessity, or certainly around meal times and morning time. Instead, she was given a regimen, a walker and will be having someone come to her to do physical therapy. As things go, this is about the best to hope for.
My wife, not surprisingly, has been going crazy trying to get everything set. She wanted to make sure when her mother got back to her apartment at the assisted living facility, it had all the comforts of home. It is hard to know what my mother-in-law thought as no matter what her mom said, my wife would hear it a particular way. Of course, the reason she hears it in a less than positive tone is, that is the way her mom often reacts to her. That is the unfortunate part of this whole thing.
My mother-in-law has been calling numerous times a day to check up on her grandson. He is fine. It is a sickness, it is being treated, and there are far worse things that many other kids are stricken with, this will pass. Still, Grandma is concerned about her grandson. My wife, however, works nights and is trying to get sleep during the day and having her mom call a few times a day prevents that from happening. In addition, my wife is convinced that her mom does not believe her when she tells her something. “Could you please call my mom and tell her that her grandson is fine,” or “Could you please call my mom and tell her you will be coming over for a visit later today,” or “Could you please call my mom and tell her…,” you fill in the rest, are not uncommon requests she will make of me because she feels her mother does not believe what she (my wife) says. Again, this could be true or it could be perception. Problem is, if it is perception, than for my wife, it is reality.
Well, I guess you could say, things are getting back to normal.
My wife, not surprisingly, has been going crazy trying to get everything set. She wanted to make sure when her mother got back to her apartment at the assisted living facility, it had all the comforts of home. It is hard to know what my mother-in-law thought as no matter what her mom said, my wife would hear it a particular way. Of course, the reason she hears it in a less than positive tone is, that is the way her mom often reacts to her. That is the unfortunate part of this whole thing.
My mother-in-law has been calling numerous times a day to check up on her grandson. He is fine. It is a sickness, it is being treated, and there are far worse things that many other kids are stricken with, this will pass. Still, Grandma is concerned about her grandson. My wife, however, works nights and is trying to get sleep during the day and having her mom call a few times a day prevents that from happening. In addition, my wife is convinced that her mom does not believe her when she tells her something. “Could you please call my mom and tell her that her grandson is fine,” or “Could you please call my mom and tell her you will be coming over for a visit later today,” or “Could you please call my mom and tell her…,” you fill in the rest, are not uncommon requests she will make of me because she feels her mother does not believe what she (my wife) says. Again, this could be true or it could be perception. Problem is, if it is perception, than for my wife, it is reality.
Well, I guess you could say, things are getting back to normal.
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