Yesterday I wanted to take my son over to see ‘Grandma’. My son is great with her. He enjoys seeing her and is perfectly willing to make a visit to her part of our Sunday routine. Things usually are better if I take him there than my wife. If she takes him to her mom’s, mom and grandma usually fight in front of him, and that is not good for anyone.
I called her yesterday after we were finished playing and wanted to come over for a few hours. She said she was not feeling well and did not want us to visit. While this has occurred at some times in the past, she truly enjoys seeing him and often cannot get enough time with him.
My wife thinks this was just grandma being depressed and not even caring about spending time with her grandson. I do not know if this is the case. She claimed she had a headache and was not up for company. My wife thinks it might have been better if we just went over there, and perhaps she is right, but at this point her mom seems to prefer it if we call first.
When my wife talked with her mom later in the day she said her mom did not sound too bad. Hopefully it is not a battle with depression that her mom is fighting right now. In fact, much to my surprise, my wife said after she picks up our son from camp she thought she might just take him over to see her. She indicated that she did not like that idea but thought it might be good for the two of them. I hope so.
I think what is important when caring for a parent is to make sure there are a number of visits and to get the whole family involved. As I stated above, just about every Sunday since my wife’s mother has been here, I have taken my son to see his grandmother. I wish there were more people here that could also visit. I truly think it would make a tremendous difference.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Important Papers
Not that long ago my wife went in for some minor surgery on her foot. My wife made sure to have her cell phone, her mother’s living will and her health care proxy. My wife does not go anywhere without them.
Sometimes I wish she would turn her phone off so she could get some sleep, or at least some rest. My wife refuses saying, “what if the assisted living place where my mom is needs to get a hold of me”. I have always felt they could wait an hour if they do not get an answer, but my wife refuses.
When she went in for the operation, she gave me her phone. Guess what? It rang and it was the assisted living facility where my mother-in-law is at. The called to tell her that her mother was not eating. She had recently had some dental surgery and her mouth was sore. Still, it was important for the healing process that she eat. More importantly, as a diabetic, she needs to eat on a regular basis. She refused. Of course they were telling me all of this because my wife was having the surgery.
It is interesting, following the surgery, my wife, instead of just relaxing, called the facility to get the low down and then called her mother to tell her she needed to eat. My mother-in-law agreed to do so. Still, I do not think she did. She did not come out of her apartment and they kept checking on her. Well, tat evening, they found her lying face down on the floor. They called 9-1-1.
My mother-in-law said she had tripped and that was all. I am not sure what tests the hospital did, but they apparently accepted her mom’s version of the story. It may be true, but I think it is important that hospitals, and doctors’ offices for that matter, do a full check. I wish they had kept her longer and done further tests but they let her go.
I thought back to when she first suffered the stroke. After not getting it checked out for a week, they examined her and determined she had two strokes, one recently and one a few years earlier. My mother-in-law had been to doctors between that time. It still bothers me that no one picked up on the earlier stroke until this later one.
It is important for people who are caring for parents to make sure that they get to care for themselves as well. It is important for people who are caring for parents to make sure that the doctors and hospitals do a full check on situations and it is important that people who are caring for parents have a copy of any important papers (such as a living will) close by. By doing this you will be helping everybody involved.
Sometimes I wish she would turn her phone off so she could get some sleep, or at least some rest. My wife refuses saying, “what if the assisted living place where my mom is needs to get a hold of me”. I have always felt they could wait an hour if they do not get an answer, but my wife refuses.
When she went in for the operation, she gave me her phone. Guess what? It rang and it was the assisted living facility where my mother-in-law is at. The called to tell her that her mother was not eating. She had recently had some dental surgery and her mouth was sore. Still, it was important for the healing process that she eat. More importantly, as a diabetic, she needs to eat on a regular basis. She refused. Of course they were telling me all of this because my wife was having the surgery.
It is interesting, following the surgery, my wife, instead of just relaxing, called the facility to get the low down and then called her mother to tell her she needed to eat. My mother-in-law agreed to do so. Still, I do not think she did. She did not come out of her apartment and they kept checking on her. Well, tat evening, they found her lying face down on the floor. They called 9-1-1.
My mother-in-law said she had tripped and that was all. I am not sure what tests the hospital did, but they apparently accepted her mom’s version of the story. It may be true, but I think it is important that hospitals, and doctors’ offices for that matter, do a full check. I wish they had kept her longer and done further tests but they let her go.
I thought back to when she first suffered the stroke. After not getting it checked out for a week, they examined her and determined she had two strokes, one recently and one a few years earlier. My mother-in-law had been to doctors between that time. It still bothers me that no one picked up on the earlier stroke until this later one.
It is important for people who are caring for parents to make sure that they get to care for themselves as well. It is important for people who are caring for parents to make sure that the doctors and hospitals do a full check on situations and it is important that people who are caring for parents have a copy of any important papers (such as a living will) close by. By doing this you will be helping everybody involved.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Explaining Bills
When it comes to taking care of our parents, it is important to keep excellent records. I am very impressed when I watch my wife take care of her mother’s affairs. I still wish she would try and let her mom do some of the stuff, but the fact is my wife makes sure everything is done.
My wife is also excellent at letting her mother know everything she has done. There might be people in such a position who would take advantage of a parent; there might be people in a similar situation who would make decisions for the parents, even if it is not what the parent wants. Not my wife. There are times where she knows it would be in her mother’s best interest to make a certain choice, however if her mom wants to do something else, my wife will do it on her behalf. She may try to argue with her mother and tell her why another option may be a better choice, but she carries out her mother’s wishers.
Usually when my wife wants to go over things with her mother, her mom will say, “It doesn’t matter”. Her mom will sometimes ask, and then as my wife starts to explain, she’ll say “just do it”. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law will later accuse her daughter of not letting her know what is happening or where things stand.
As I stated earlier, however, she does keep excellent records, so anytime her mom wants to go back over things, my wife is ready. Again, I think that my wife could do certain things to give her mother some independence but when it comes to a matter of making sure things get done, and that they get done correctly, her mom is in good hands; my wife is excellent at that.
My wife is also excellent at letting her mother know everything she has done. There might be people in such a position who would take advantage of a parent; there might be people in a similar situation who would make decisions for the parents, even if it is not what the parent wants. Not my wife. There are times where she knows it would be in her mother’s best interest to make a certain choice, however if her mom wants to do something else, my wife will do it on her behalf. She may try to argue with her mother and tell her why another option may be a better choice, but she carries out her mother’s wishers.
Usually when my wife wants to go over things with her mother, her mom will say, “It doesn’t matter”. Her mom will sometimes ask, and then as my wife starts to explain, she’ll say “just do it”. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law will later accuse her daughter of not letting her know what is happening or where things stand.
As I stated earlier, however, she does keep excellent records, so anytime her mom wants to go back over things, my wife is ready. Again, I think that my wife could do certain things to give her mother some independence but when it comes to a matter of making sure things get done, and that they get done correctly, her mom is in good hands; my wife is excellent at that.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Depression
I overheard a conversation this morning, between my wife and the assisted living facility where my mother-in-law is. Apparently it has been an issue because my mother-in-law has been depressed and basically has not been coming out of her apartment. She does have some food in her refrigerator and is eating something, although probably less than she should be.
They do keep an eye on her at the facility, but if depression is an issue, that for them is a concern. If she only stays inside, instead of socializing with the other residents there, that is also a concern. My wife made a comment to the case worker there that she expects them to kick her mom out by the end of the weekend and she is surprised they have not already done that.
I was surprised she said that, even if she felt that way. I learned from my parents that if you tell people something like this, they may, and often do, feel more comfortable doing it. If they through her out, my wife is the one who is going to have to find another place for her mother, and she really does not have time. I have offered to help but have basically been told to stay out of this. Of course, if I am living with people who are directly involved, I am involved, but that does not seem to get through to anyone.
I wish my mother-in-law would do something to help herself. She needs an antidepressant, but she will not take that “crazy nut medicine”. She needs to see a counselor but she will not go to that “crazy nut doctor”.
I wish my wife had a better grasp on how best to help with regard to this situation. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to the day to day decision and needing to keep on top of things, she is great. It is the little things, things like staying calm when talking with her mother, things like not telling a facility you are expecting them to kick out your mother, where she needs to get a better grasp.
Hopefully all will calm down, otherwise, this could be a very “interesting” weekend.
They do keep an eye on her at the facility, but if depression is an issue, that for them is a concern. If she only stays inside, instead of socializing with the other residents there, that is also a concern. My wife made a comment to the case worker there that she expects them to kick her mom out by the end of the weekend and she is surprised they have not already done that.
I was surprised she said that, even if she felt that way. I learned from my parents that if you tell people something like this, they may, and often do, feel more comfortable doing it. If they through her out, my wife is the one who is going to have to find another place for her mother, and she really does not have time. I have offered to help but have basically been told to stay out of this. Of course, if I am living with people who are directly involved, I am involved, but that does not seem to get through to anyone.
I wish my mother-in-law would do something to help herself. She needs an antidepressant, but she will not take that “crazy nut medicine”. She needs to see a counselor but she will not go to that “crazy nut doctor”.
I wish my wife had a better grasp on how best to help with regard to this situation. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to the day to day decision and needing to keep on top of things, she is great. It is the little things, things like staying calm when talking with her mother, things like not telling a facility you are expecting them to kick out your mother, where she needs to get a better grasp.
Hopefully all will calm down, otherwise, this could be a very “interesting” weekend.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Don't Yell At Me
Earlier today, I was talking with my wife on her cell phone. It was a bad connection and I was unable to hear her. I asked her, at one point, if she was still there, and she screamed back at me that she was. The scream, however, was not a scream to be heard, it was one of anger and frustration with me for not hearing her.
“Don’t yell at me,” I said. Then I stopped and thought how I frequently hear her say that to her mother. She will get frustrated with her mother, let her mother know it, and then I will hear her say, from my end of the conversation, “Mom Don’t yell at me!”
Of course, no one (well most people) wants to be yelled out. Still, I think there are ways to cut down on the arguments and prevent people from getting angry,
First off, my wife needs to become a little more patient. She gets frustrated if her mother forgets something. Her mom had a stroke, she has memory issues and there needs to be some understanding.
“But, my mom was always like this,” she will say.
As far as I am concerned, even if that is true, you still need to cut her some slack. This is a different time and there are reasons. My wife is not willing to do that. I recall, before the stroke, when my mother-in-law was thinking about getting a computer. A friend of hers told her, “Okay, now you need to get your daughter to show you how to use it.”
My mother-in-law responded that she did not want her daughter to teach her, she wanted her son-in-law. I tend to be much more patient than my wife and really wish just a little of it would rub off on her. It would actually make her life easier because it would improve the relationship she has with her mother.
My wife also frequently works an overnight shift. She will make the mistake of calling her mother shortly after she gets off work and gets home. She has been awake all night, she is tired and exhausted and this is the time she chooses to deal with her mother. I never understood it.
I think changing these couple of things would cut down on the amount of screaming her mom does and make things better for everyone. I could, of course be wrong, but it would still help her stay calm, and that would help me stay calm. The situation would improve for everyone.
“Don’t yell at me,” I said. Then I stopped and thought how I frequently hear her say that to her mother. She will get frustrated with her mother, let her mother know it, and then I will hear her say, from my end of the conversation, “Mom Don’t yell at me!”
Of course, no one (well most people) wants to be yelled out. Still, I think there are ways to cut down on the arguments and prevent people from getting angry,
First off, my wife needs to become a little more patient. She gets frustrated if her mother forgets something. Her mom had a stroke, she has memory issues and there needs to be some understanding.
“But, my mom was always like this,” she will say.
As far as I am concerned, even if that is true, you still need to cut her some slack. This is a different time and there are reasons. My wife is not willing to do that. I recall, before the stroke, when my mother-in-law was thinking about getting a computer. A friend of hers told her, “Okay, now you need to get your daughter to show you how to use it.”
My mother-in-law responded that she did not want her daughter to teach her, she wanted her son-in-law. I tend to be much more patient than my wife and really wish just a little of it would rub off on her. It would actually make her life easier because it would improve the relationship she has with her mother.
My wife also frequently works an overnight shift. She will make the mistake of calling her mother shortly after she gets off work and gets home. She has been awake all night, she is tired and exhausted and this is the time she chooses to deal with her mother. I never understood it.
I think changing these couple of things would cut down on the amount of screaming her mom does and make things better for everyone. I could, of course be wrong, but it would still help her stay calm, and that would help me stay calm. The situation would improve for everyone.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Enjoy What's There
I realize it is never easy to give up a certain amount of independence. I realize people often try to avoid admitting they cannot do things and they fight things all the way.
Having visited some assisted living home facilities, I know that they can be quite nice. They have a number of activities that take place, provide numerous socializing opportunities for the residents and really do what they can to make sure the residents enjoy living there.
In order to make this work, however, those people who live there have to be willing to take advantage of the programs. My mother-in-law refuses and often times just stays in her apartment. If you ask her what is taking place, she will tell you nothing, that there is nothing to do. The fact is, that is not true.
There are field trips to museums and sights in the area. Sometimes they go to casinos. They have meal outings. Sometimes they may just have a picnic outside the building, but they still do something a little different. These are all things that take place outside the facility. Inside, they try to have at least one movie a day, they have a number of games and eat their meals together. There is a swimming pool and an exercise room right at the facility.
The point is, there is plenty to do, yet when I ask my mother-in-law what she did, I usually get the same response that I do from my son when I asked him that question. The response is, “Nothing”. But even more frustrating than that is she will tell you there is nothing to do.
Yes, there are things that can be improved, but for the most part, it is a good facility. The people are concerned and caring. They provide many activities and programs for their residents.
If people need to be in such a facility, I can only hope they are willing to try some of the activities and allow themselves to enjoy it. They might be surprised.
Having visited some assisted living home facilities, I know that they can be quite nice. They have a number of activities that take place, provide numerous socializing opportunities for the residents and really do what they can to make sure the residents enjoy living there.
In order to make this work, however, those people who live there have to be willing to take advantage of the programs. My mother-in-law refuses and often times just stays in her apartment. If you ask her what is taking place, she will tell you nothing, that there is nothing to do. The fact is, that is not true.
There are field trips to museums and sights in the area. Sometimes they go to casinos. They have meal outings. Sometimes they may just have a picnic outside the building, but they still do something a little different. These are all things that take place outside the facility. Inside, they try to have at least one movie a day, they have a number of games and eat their meals together. There is a swimming pool and an exercise room right at the facility.
The point is, there is plenty to do, yet when I ask my mother-in-law what she did, I usually get the same response that I do from my son when I asked him that question. The response is, “Nothing”. But even more frustrating than that is she will tell you there is nothing to do.
Yes, there are things that can be improved, but for the most part, it is a good facility. The people are concerned and caring. They provide many activities and programs for their residents.
If people need to be in such a facility, I can only hope they are willing to try some of the activities and allow themselves to enjoy it. They might be surprised.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
"Gifting"
I strongly recommend talking with an attorney before moving into an assisted living facility (or an independent living facility or nursing home). Meeting with such a person is only part of the battle, however. It is also important to listen and take advice.
When my mother-in-law moved into such a facility, she had to sell her house to pay for it. Her attorney told her that she should gift out the money, and could do a certain amount each year. By doing this, it would get the money out of her name, which would help in terms of taxes as well as getting assistance to pay monthly expenses.
I understand the difficulty people have in doing this, although I am not sure my wife does, and this has led to more conflict between my mother-in-law and my wife. By gifting out the money, you now need to ask in order to get it back, someone else is in charge of, at least part, of your money. That is not an easy thing for anyone to do and especially difficult for someone who kept the books for other people.
My mother-in-law refused to gift out the money. When taxes where done this past year, they hit worse than expected because of liquidating some of the IRA’s and not having gifted out any money. Now, understanding she has only limited funds available to pay for the assisted living program, that will only last her a few years, she was willing (or at least said she was) to gift out some money.
My wife was in touch with the attorney who recommended she do this years ago. Now we find out from this attorney that the laws when it comes to gifting have changed and it may not be the best option. What has not changed is they still look back three years to see what was in your name then but is not now, hence it would have been beneficial to do this shortly after she suffered her stroke because the money would have been out of her name for three years and when they look back, it would have been free and clear of the timeframe.
My wife has a meeting with the attorney to see what, if anything, can now be done. I realize it is difficult to make such decisions but it is much worse to let pride get in the way and stop you from being able to help yourself.
When my mother-in-law moved into such a facility, she had to sell her house to pay for it. Her attorney told her that she should gift out the money, and could do a certain amount each year. By doing this, it would get the money out of her name, which would help in terms of taxes as well as getting assistance to pay monthly expenses.
I understand the difficulty people have in doing this, although I am not sure my wife does, and this has led to more conflict between my mother-in-law and my wife. By gifting out the money, you now need to ask in order to get it back, someone else is in charge of, at least part, of your money. That is not an easy thing for anyone to do and especially difficult for someone who kept the books for other people.
My mother-in-law refused to gift out the money. When taxes where done this past year, they hit worse than expected because of liquidating some of the IRA’s and not having gifted out any money. Now, understanding she has only limited funds available to pay for the assisted living program, that will only last her a few years, she was willing (or at least said she was) to gift out some money.
My wife was in touch with the attorney who recommended she do this years ago. Now we find out from this attorney that the laws when it comes to gifting have changed and it may not be the best option. What has not changed is they still look back three years to see what was in your name then but is not now, hence it would have been beneficial to do this shortly after she suffered her stroke because the money would have been out of her name for three years and when they look back, it would have been free and clear of the timeframe.
My wife has a meeting with the attorney to see what, if anything, can now be done. I realize it is difficult to make such decisions but it is much worse to let pride get in the way and stop you from being able to help yourself.
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