Parenting Our Parents

Don't Bother Calling

2008-08-22T10:00:00.001-07:00

While I may not always say it, I give my wife a lot of credit for dealing with her mother. She has given up countless hours, and even days of sleep, to take care of her mother’s needs. She has done what ever she can to take care of her and to make things easier on other members of my mother-in-law’s family. Sometimes, it is surprising to hear what others have to say.

I got a call from my wife yesterday morning that she had just received a call from the Rehab facility where her mom was. The facility noticed something was wrong and was thinking another stroke or a seizure. My wife, when it comes to the day-to-day operations, tries to not burden her brother (my mother-in-law’s son) with all the information because he has made it apparent, through word and deed, he does not want to be bothered. He obviously feels my wife can handle it and probably feels she goes overboard anyway.

Still, yesterday, we were talking about a situation that was serious enough to have her taken to the hospital. Yesterday, we were talking about a situation where a woman in assisted living, suffered a stroke two weeks ago and while trying to give her the necessary physical and occupational therapy, suffered what the trained staff at the Rehab Center feared might be another stroke. Of course she called her brother. Certainly, she should have.

I was surprised to hear my wife tell me that her brother said she should not bother calling back unless it was something serious. To the best of my knowledge, he did not ask to speak to his mother or call her after he was notified of the situation. He simply did not want to be bothered. I find this response both surprising and unfortunate.

Advocating

2008-08-20T13:39:00.001-07:00

What do you do when you are an advocate for someone and the person for whom you are advocating wants something different then what you feel is the best method of procedure. This is the unenviable position my wife is in.

Following the stroke my Mother-in-law suffered, she ended up in a rehab center. The rehab center has done a wonderful job with my wife’s mother but her mom is not completely healed. There is a good chance she never will get back to the way she was before the stroke.

The rehab center is located in a nursing home and the nursing home has openings to which she could be moved into permanently. My Mother-in-law wants to go back to the Assisted Living facility where she was before the stroke. Her daughter does not think this is a good idea and fears for her mother.

My wife has told her Mom the concerns and expressed them in a meeting with the people who run the rehab program to those people. Clearly her Mom feels differently and this leads to tension. While everyone wants what is best, sometime people disagree as to what that action should be.

As of the current time, my Mother-in-law is not ready to be released from rehab, thus there is no need to make a decision at the current time. Still, that decision is not far off. I hope everyone can work together to bring the matter to a conclusion and that when it is all said and done, everyone is still talking.

I guess, only time will tell.

What'd Ya Do Today?

2008-08-19T10:15:00.001-07:00

I took my son over to see his grandma yesterday. Grandma is still in rehab following the stroke and my son has been going over almost every day to see her. It certainly helps with the healing process. Now, it I can only get my son to start talking.

A typical conversation when we go over there goes something like this:

Grandma: “So, what did you do today?”

Son: “Not much.”

Grandma: “You must lead a boring life. You always say, ‘Not Much’”.

That ends the conversation for awhile until Grandma asks him again what he did today.

As we were going to Grandma’s yesterday, I asked my son a question and he told me what he wanted to do was go back to the beach. My wife had a staff appreciation picnic over the weekend at the beach and family was invited. My son had fun going in the water and letting the waves push him back into shore.

Before he passed away, my Father-in-law (Grandma’s husband) loved the water, loved the beach. I told my son that he should tell Grandma about the beach, that she would love hearing it. Unfortunately, the response I got was that he did not feel like talking. When I tried bringing it up in front of Grandma, my son looked at me and said, “You tell her”.

Certainly it is not surprising that Grandma enjoys hearing it more from my son, with the excitement you hear in child’s voice. My son has done more than it is fair to ask anyone his age to do when it comes to spending time and helping his grandmother, so I can’t really fault him or put too much pressure on him. Still, I wish he understood how much it would help with the healing process if he would give her more details of his day (and then I too could learn what he did).

The Wills Are ...

2008-08-15T11:54:00.001-07:00

It is amazing what we learn from our parents and how much like them we end up becoming, even when we promise ourselves otherwise. My parents, whenever they would travel would always make sure that the kids knew where the wills were located and gave us information in the event that, G-d forbid, something were to happen to them. As kids, we laughed it off.

After my Mom passed away, one time when my Dad was coming to visit me, he started giving my sister all this information. She stopped him. In part, she found it annoying that the discussion was taking place in the airport, as my Dad was getting set to leave. She did, however, admit to me, that she did not want to be forced to think about this at that time. My dad was frustrated when he got up here so, I sat down with him and got all the information he had and put it on the computer.

This, of course, does not mean thing don’t rub off. My sister and her family recently took off for a trip overseas. She called be before they left and said, “Not to be like Dad but, the wills are…” and proceeded to give me all the information. I guess, for good and for bad, there is no escaping who your parents are.

A Lawn Or A Life?

2008-08-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

There is a book of Jewish ethics called Pierke Avot (or Ethics of the Fathers). One thing this text teaches is, a person who saves a life, it is as if he (she) has saved the entire world. Certainly it points out the importance and value of a human life. So I asked, what is more important, a lawn or a life?

Let me explain the above question. When my mother-in-law suffered a stroke, my son, her grandson, went to visit her in the hospital every day and still pretty much goes to visit her at rehab every day (or almost every day). Initially, when the stroke occurred, both family and medical staff were not expecting her to come through (hence the reason she was placed on Hospice care). It is certainly by belief that her grandson gave her a will to live and he is the reason she is still alive.

Following the stroke, my son and I were out of town for my Nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and upon returning, our lawnmower broke down and needed to go in for service. As a result, you can probably imagine that the lawn got a little out of hand and was in need of being cut.

The day that I went out to mow the grass, lawnmower by my side, our neighbor came up to me and started to read me the riot act about how bad the lawn looked and how I had an obligation to the neighbor and the neighborhood.

I did not say anything to my neighbor because the truth is, what was being said was the truth. Still, when this individual continued to go on and on, especially since I was getting set to mow the lawn at this point anyway, I did get a little annoyed. I made a comment about my mother-in-laws stroke but I am sure it did not registered.

As you can probably tell, I am still a little annoyed over this comment. After all, since we have moved in to the house, up until this point, we have taken care of the lawn. Perhaps our neighbor would have been better served to ask a few questions before saying anything. After all, I would make the same choice again, it came down to it. A life is certainly more important than a lawn.

The Power Of Grandkids

2008-08-08T12:15:00.001-07:00

Ever since my mother-in-law suffered a stroke a couple of weeks ago, I have been watching my son, her grandson, and have been very impressed. At first, when we thought the stroke literally meant she had only about 24 hours left, my son rearrange his schedule so he could be with her.

The stroke hit on a Thursday and my son has a lesson Thursday evening. He was ready to cancel it but I suggested we just cut it short a little bit and he agreed. During his lesson, every time the phone rang, I feared it was my wife telling my not to bother to bring my son to the hospital because her mom had passed away. Fortunately that was not the case.

After his lesson, he decided that if Grandma only had a few more hours to live, he wanted to spend that time with her. We went to the hospital that evening and he stayed up past his normal bedtime so he could spend time with her. He decided not to go to camp the following day as well because again, he decided it was more important to be with her than to go to camp.

It was also obvious that my mother-in-law was responding to her grandson. She would reach for his hand and talk with him. We truly believe that he helped keep her alive. It is wonderful the power that grandchildren have and it is rewarding when you have the opportunity to witness them decide they want to help others, truly help others.

Another Stroke

2008-08-06T09:57:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I have submitted an entry on this blog and there is a good reason for it. Last time I entered something, I wrote about concern around an argument with my wife and her mom about her mom wanting to drive downstate with us. Well, that argument never happened.

Shortly after my last entry, my mother-in-law suffered another stroke, her third. It looked like this was the end for her. When she went into the hospital, her blood sugar was over 400 and her blood pressure was something like 200 over 78. In fact, based on the numbers, a certain medication that they like to administer shortly after someone has a stroke, could not be given.

My mother-in-law was unable to eat and kept pulling the IV out of her arm. In fact, they ultimately took her off the IV and moved her onto Hospice. A couple of days later, however, she was moved off, by Hospice, since she was doing so much better.

My mother-in-law was not eating, was not drinking (finally she drank a little bit) and was not getting medication, yet she was doing better. This is a woman who has said numerous times that she wants to die, yet the thought running through my head is, “This is not true”. Based on the damage the stroke did and what everyone expected, I believe that the only way you survive something like this is if you have a will to fight and, if you have a will to fight, then you do not really want to die.

At this point, she has been moved into a rehab center. It appears as though the stroke has done some permanent damage, but nothing nearly as severe as first believed. I think the positive to this is, hopefully, it will give my wife and her mom and opportunity to resolve any issues between them. Hopefully, other people reading this who have unresolved issues with a parent, will also decide this is the time to resolve them.

Good luck!

Planning A Bar Mitzvah

2008-07-24T15:47:00.001-07:00

It is amazing the way different people operate. My nephew will become Bar Mitzvah in a couple of weeks. I have, obviously, been notified about the event and the family will be travelling down state for the event. Still, the other day, I got a call from my sister asking me about printing out address labels on the computer. The event is less than three weeks away and the invitations have still not yet been mailed.

A few years ago, some close friends were preparing for the Bat Mitzvah of their daughter. When it came to invitations, they went out late. When it came to putting a program together, two days before the ceremony, it was still being worked on.

My son’s Bar Mitzvah will be in about three years. I realize that is still a ways away but I cannot imagine cutting things so close. I may not be the quickest or most efficient but certainly I would not wait until the last minute.

My wife is worse than I. For our son’s first birthday, she booked the party six months in advance and had everything set to go. Certainly she would not let me wait that long and she would certainly take the bull by the horns if I did.

Perhaps those people know something I don’t. In the case of my friends, the ceremony came off just fine. In the event of my sister, I am sure most people will still get in for the ceremony. Still, I could not live that way.

Too each his/her own.

I Want To Go Too

2008-07-23T13:03:00.001-07:00

My nephew’s bar mitzvah is rapidly approaching and my wife, son and I will be heading down state for the festivities. We will be driving as that will be the easiest thing and I am sure we will all have an enjoyable time and I have every confidence my nephew will do very well. My wife recently asked, however, for my Mother-in-law’s address. I am sure she wants to send an invitation and it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

My Mother-in-law is probably going to want to go. She will indicate that since we are driving, we could easily take her. I already know my wife will not like the idea. First off, she is not going to want to be responsible for her mother for the entire weekend. Second, she is not going to want to share an eight hour car trip with her mother, actually two eight hour car trips within three days if you include the drive there and back.

The question is how it plays out. I am not sure if my Mother-in-law will really try and push this. I am not sure how my wife will push back. I can see this being a calm situation and I can see this turning into a major blow up. All I can do is hope for the best.

Talking Again

2008-07-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

I think my wife and my mother-in-law are speaking again, but I am not sure. I love the way things work.

As I indicated in a pervious post, the two had gone awhile without speaking, about a week. My mother-in-law told her daughter not to call her if all she (her daughter) was going to do was aggravate her (my mother-in-law).

My wife listened. My wife decided that she is the one who does all the leg work and goes crazy trying to accommodate her mother’s schedule. As a result, my wife decided it was not worth it and did not call her mom or speak with her for some time.

Now, apparently the other day, my mother-in-law called and spoke to my wife as if nothing had ever happened. Such conversations leave my wife surprised and wondering if her mother regrets not speaking to her daughter and not having her daughter take care of all her needs or if she simply does not remember that the two of them were fighting, or at least does not recall the conversation where she told her daughter not to call.

I am a firm believer that a selective memory can be a good thing as it lets us remember things as we need to, as is important for us to recall them. Still, something like this has got to be a little confusing.

Well, let’s see how long they stay talking to each other this time.

Dignity

2008-07-21T12:07:00.001-07:00

This past weekend, I met a new person at the Assisted Living Facility where my Mother-in-law lives. She is a person who just moved in and she was there with some family members, her husband and her daughter, I believe, neither one of whom lives in the facility.

When I was there with my son, this new person, along with my Mother-in-law and a number of other people, was in the library. At some point the conversation turned towards giving this woman all the necessary keys to the building.

The conversation started when the woman’s husband said, “Let me give you the keys”.

The woman’s daughter than said something like, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. She’ll just lose them”.

The new resident was arguing how she would not lose the keys but her daughter was talking about how she already lost a previous set.

I was thinking to myself that having this conversation in the library, in front of other residents, and in front of me and my son, had to make this new resident feel uncomfortable. I know I would not want someone talking about my memory loss, or what ever problems were being discussed, in front of everyone, including people I just met and strangers.

I truly think sometimes when a loved one is moved into such a facility, the family members not living there lose sight of how they need to be treated, of what to say and not to say in front of others, of ways to show the individual that s/he can still have some of the independence that was once had.

I strongly urge people who are moving loved ones to such a facility to try and find a way to allow the person to maintain some independence and some dignity. Unfortunately, this does not always happen.

Not Talking Again

2008-07-14T19:44:00.001-07:00

My wife and Mother-in-law are at it again. My Mother-in-law wanted a checkbook and my wife was not so crazy about giving her one. My wife’s mom writes checks without telling her daughter and since her daughter is the one who handles her mother’s affairs, it makes things difficult.

My father always said that was one of the reason he did not want to gift money or have someone else in charge of his affairs, because to have to ask someone else for your own money is difficult. “What if I want to buy the kids a present” he would ask, “They are the ones handling the money so they would know”. What if I want to get something for the grandkids without letting anyone know in advance”?

I certainly understand my father’s reaction so I can see where my Mother-in-law is coming from. Still, when she calls, she wants my wife to drop everything even though she does not need things immediately. She wanted the money when she called even though she did not need it then.

My wife told her she was not able to just drop everything at the current time. Her mother responded by saying, “Don’t talk to me if you are just going to aggravate me”. That was three days ago and they have not talked since (so my wife listened to her mother).

The two of them go through stages. I wonder how long this one is going to last?

Finding Humor

2008-07-08T14:20:00.001-07:00

This past Sunday my son and I went to visit my Mother-in-law (MIL) as we often do on Sundays. I felt like I was watching an Abbot and Costello routine. My Mother-in-law and a number of other women are sitting in the library of the assisted living facility and the conversation went like this:

Woman 1: You know they are showing a movie in the Great Room.

Woman 2: When?

Woman 1: Now.

MIL: What are they showing?

Woman 1: I don’t know. (Looking towards women 2), “Why don’t you check?

Woman 2 gets up and walks to the great room.

MIL: So what are they showing?

Man 1 (passing by woman 2): Howdy.

Woman 2 (not having heard MIL’s comment but responding to Man 1): Howdy Doody.

MIL (not having heard Man 1’s greeting to Women 2): “There showing Howdy Doody?” (and upon getting no response asks) Who said they’re showing Howdy Doody?

I certainly do not like to make fun of people who have physical issues, in this case people who’s hearing is not what it used to be, but I did find the situation humorous. I guess considering I frequently bring my son over and do what I can to help out, I am entitled to occasionally find humor in a situation I should not view as funny.

Consequences

2008-07-05T06:01:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately, sometimes our actions can have an impact long after the initial action takes place. A few weeks ago I commented about a Father’s Day Barbeque that we had and how my Mother-in-law just sat away from everyone else, refusing to talk or even have an enjoyable time.

My wife decided to invite a few friends over for a Fourth of July barbeque (and a Happy Independence Day to one and all). She planned this a couple of weeks in advance. This time she did not invite her mother. Since a number of the people were the same, my wife did not want to make her mom feel uncomfortable, nor did she want to make the other people feel uncomfortable. After all, if one of your guests refuses to get involved with everyone else, it can leave everyone with an awkward feeling.

I am not sure if my Mother-in-law would have liked to have been there. I am not sure if she wanted an invitation. Still, those of us who gathered found the evens enjoyable. The actions my Mother-in-law took at our Father’s Day barbeque clearly had an impact yesterday.

These types of events, events away from her Assisted Living facility, events with other people, enjoyable events are exactly what she needs. Unfortunately, behavioral issues that you have impact the future. This is not just true for young children. It is true for adults and for parents as well.

Take Him Home

2008-06-28T12:04:00.001-07:00

I remember one time when I was talking with my parents and discussing how frustrated I was with my son. My parents immediately stuck up for my son and I asked why it was that they thought he never did anything wrong. I guess that is the prerogative of a Grandparent.

Well, my parents also said, “If you live long enough, you’ll see everything.” Well, my parents did not live long enough for me to see this approach change but I have to admit it is a little refreshing to see my Mother-in-law realize that my son is not always correct.

Normally my son and I visit Grandma on Sundays but this Sunday we all have a graduation party so it is unlikely that we will get over there. As a result, my wife decided to take our son over to visit Grandma earlier in the week.

Apparently my son was in a mood when they went over. It was nothing major, mind you, as he can exhibit sometimes. Still, he was being obnoxious and annoying. My wife said that her mom turned to her and told her to take her grandson home.

As I have previously stated in other posts, Grandma lives for these visits. Still, it is refreshing to hear she recognized his poor behavior and not only approved of us taking steps to correct it but actually recommend that. Usually she is quick to defend him.

My guess is, Grandma won’t remember this incident, or will recall it the way she wants, which is fine with me. Still, the fact is, as it was occurring, she did recognize it and acknowledged that it occurred.

Baseball And Parents

2008-06-26T20:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow starts another Subway series between the Mets and the Yankees. It is a four game set as the two teams will look to make up a rainout from the previous series. That means a day-night, two stadium, double header. Such things are crazy and I really do not like it.

I do not know what will happen in the series but I am sure I will be having some arguments with my Mother-in-law. Since her stroke, there are a number of things she forgets. Sometimes her short term memory suffers and sometimes her long term memory suffers (and sometimes neither). Somehow though, she has never forgotten she is a Yankee fan. I, of course, am a diehard Met fan.

I am sure we will be discussing, debating and arguing. Of course it will all be in good fun (because we of course know who the better team is). When it is all said and done, we will laugh about it, but it aside and ignore it, and move on.

I think there is a strong lesson there when it comes to taking care of parents. Of course it can be difficult and with the emotional aspect that parents hold over their children, it is even harder. Still, sometimes we need to know how to discuss and debate things, serious things, real issues, and then let them go and move on.

If only it were that easy.

Vacation With Grandma

2008-06-23T11:38:00.001-07:00

When I was growing up I was fortunate to be able to go on a four to six week vacation every summer with my family. We traveled mainly by car and mostly across the United States. By the time I was 18, I had been to 48 different states and Mexico and Canada (as well as a few countries overseas). My son has heard me talk about those experiences and is now begging to be able to do some travelling.

It is not realistic that we can take the kind of vacation I used to growing up but I was thinking about what day trips we could do. Even a trip to Niagara Falls or Montreal is feasible to do in a day. He was real excited about this possibility and began telling Grandma while we were over there this past weekend.

My son, meaning well, looked at me while Grandma was still right there and asked, “If it’s okay with Mommy and she can handle being around Grandma that much, is it okay if Grandma comes with us”. He asked that question a few times.

When we left I explained that you never want to ask a question like that in front of the person you are asking about. I told him that I thought it was very nice he was trying to be so considerate of the feelings of his Grandmother but there were possible problems that he might not have considered. I explained that Grandma gets tired fairly easily right now and that might mean less time to see the things he wanted to see. I explained that he should not say “If it’s okay with Mommy,” because than it puts the decision all on her. I then asked, “Besides, are you going to want to listen to Mommy and Grandma argue all the way on the drive?”

My son actually agreed that I had some good points. Again, his heart was in the right place but I think that it is important you see the entire picture. Sometimes when you are caring for a parent, you just need to get away for a little bit and I certainly wanted my wife to have that option.

Bloggerwave

2008-06-16T10:40:00.000-07:00

Since I started blogging, I have been fascinated by the number of sites available with which you can sign up, register for opportunities and get paid for posting an article, you make money. When I first heard about this, I was a little skeptical but when I found out you did not have to pay to become a member of such services, I decided it was worth a try and things have worked out well.

I recently learned of a new site, bloggerwave. The seem very serious about trying to quickly establish themselves as one of the big names in the business. As best I can tell, they pay $10 for each post you put on when of your blogs.

I wish them well and perhaps I can get my mother-in-law to try it as a way of earning a little income. She probably won’t go for it but you never know.

Happy Being Sad

2008-06-16T10:28:00.001-07:00

My mother-in-law was over yesterday for Father’s Day and I was glad she came. Still, things seemed a little awkward. We decided to have a Father’s Day barbecue. My wife and I and our son were there, my mother-in-law was there and a couple who are friends of ours came over (no children, just dogs).

It was a nice day so we were able to eat outside. When we first started, I was grilling so my Mother-in-law pulled a chair over to where I was grilling and sat down. Later on, as everyone came out and sat around the table, my wife’s mother continued to sit by the grill, away from people.

She was invited to join the rest of us a number of times but she simply declined. Later I kiddingly asked her if she was having fun being antisocial. She responded by saying, “I have nothing in common with them,” referring to the other couple that was joining us.

A number of thoughts went through my head. My Mother-in-law has meet this couple before and has talked with them and seemed to enjoy the conversation. If you don’t talk with people you can’t find out the things you might have in common with them. If my father were still alive, he would have been thrilled to have other people around to talk to as he needed people. My mother-in-law needs people too but she would rather be unhappy and complain (and that is something I noticed about her before she suffered the stroke). She is a wonderful person but she is one of these people who is happiest when she has something to complain about, when she has something to be unhappy about. Ultimately, I thought better of saying anything.

I think this comes back to what I have indicated before. She has the ability to fit in and make the best of a situation we all wish had not occurred (suffering a stroke, being moved into an assisted living facility and one that is 300 plus miles away from where she had lived), she just refuses to get involved and partake of the various activities. As the saying gores, “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”.

Taking A Vacation

2008-06-13T07:11:00.000-07:00

Father’s Day is this weekend, July 4th is not that far away and in-between, the school year comes to an end, for those not in college. The school year has already ended for college students. For many, the events just mentioned can mean a summer getaway, or a summer vacation.

As I think about the things many adults now have to do for their parents, I also think of the things many adults have learned from their parents. Both my folks were able to take the summer off so, each year, the family would take about a six week vacation and travel the U.S. my car (I visited and spent time in 48 of the 50 states before I was 18). We visited everything from Orlando Theme Parks in Florida to Wall Drug in South Dakota.

It was always interesting watching Mom sit down with all the Triple A tour guide books and plan what we would see and where we would stay. She was great at determining a budget and figuring when we would stay at a fancy place and when and when to stay at an inexpensive location. Some vacations we would even stay at budget apartments, but it worked out well.

She had everything down to a science. Now I notice there is Mum’s Holiday Guide, a guide that has input from other people who have visited areas and I think this is a great way to go touring.

As you plan your summer vacation, maybe using things like Travelocity as well, think back to those who did a great job before such resources were available. Yes, it could be done but why not take advantage of what is out there.

Overdone

2008-06-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

Of late, things seem to be better between my wife and mother-in-law. I am not sure exactly what has changed, and I still would not say things are great, but the two seem to be getting along fine. Certainly that is a good thing.

My wife took her mother out to dinner on Friday and again, things seemed good. At least that is my understanding as I was not there. She then told me she wanted to invite her mother to join us for dinner that evening, Friday night. That was fine with me but I did have some concerns.

It seems my concerns might have been right on target. While things maybe better between the two of them, spending the whole day in each other’s presence might have been too much. Over dinner, while there were no ‘big’ blowups, you could feel tension and here snipping between the two.

My wife admitted that she probably would have been better off not inviting her mother to stay for dinner. Still, it was a generous offer and things between the two of them are definitely better, so perhaps the day when the two of them can peacefully spend the entire day in each other’s presence is not too far off.

Bad Behavior

2008-06-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

We hear it said all the time, but life isn’t always fair. Now, with that being said, I am not talking a tragic situation here that many people have to frequently deal with. I am not even talking a bump in the road. I’m talking about when you see something and think to yourself, “That’s Unfair,” even if you are a contributing party.

As many of you know, Sundays is the day I take my son to see Grandma at the assisted living facility where she now resides. She refuses to get involved with a lot of the programs and claims that “there is nothing to do,” where she lives. What she truly enjoys, the highlight of her week, is a visit from her grandson and I am happy to help out.

This past weekend, both Friday and Saturday, my son had awful behavior. Both days were horrendous (the kind where you question why you ever wanted kids in the first place). Fortunately things got better come Sunday. Still, based on his behavior, he lost all privileges for the rest of the weekend, including going out and doing anything on Sunday, including visiting grandma.

By the way, while he usually does very well with her, sometimes the visits seems to negatively affect his behavior when we get home, so there is a reason as to why we don’t want to take him for a visit when he is acting up.

I couldn’t help but think of poor grandma, who did absolutely nothing wrong. She did nothing to aggravate her daughter (my wife). Still, she now has to go a couple of weeks without seeing her grandson. It is amazing (and unfortunate) how negative behavior can effect many people around you. Of course, the converse of that is true as well, that positive behavior can positively effect those around you, so hopefully next weekend that will be the case.

Proud Of My Wife!

2008-04-25T12:53:00.001-07:00

I have to say that I am very pleased with my wife as I watched her interact with her mother at the Passover Seder this year. My wife did a lot of work in preparing for many guests. It does get frustrating that she refuses to let me do anything, as she wants to be able to do it all. So, as the Holiday started and we were all sited around the table, she had to be exhausted.

Her mother joined us both Seder nights. First, I must praise her mother. She was well behaved and, for the most part, did not start in. She recognized all the work her daughter did (not something that always, or even usually happens) and she appreciated it.

Then, towards the end of the festivities, her mother made some kind of comment; I do not even remember what it was but it was the type of comment that could be viewed as an insult, or at best a left-handed compliment. I do not think that was the way her mom intended the comment to be, but I am not sure. Still, it was my wife who showed great poise and simply ignored the comment. She did not argue, she did not get insulted, she did not even say anything. It was almost as if she did not hear it (although I know she did).

Yes, honestly, I was very proud of her and hope it may be a sign of being able to do this more often which I think will help everyone.

Disney

2008-04-08T18:52:00.001-07:00

My Sister-in-law is pushing for her family and our family to take a Disney vacation together. Her argument is that the kids (they have a daughter, we have a son) are the perfect age right now to enjoy and understand and appreciate such a trip. She also feels it can be done for relatively inexpensive.

I agree that the kids are the perfect age and as much as I am not a Florida person, I think everyone would enjoy Disney. I am not sure it can be done for as inexpensive as my wife and I would want, however.

Still, money is not the main problem. I would be very surprised if my wife would agree to travel 1000 miles for a vacation and leave her mother back home in her assisted living facility. If we do the trip with her brother and his wife (the one who has proposed this idea), my wife would argue that there would be no one in the state to deal with any emergency should one occur. Even if her brother and family did not go, I know my wife would not go since she is much more detail oriented than her brother and is convinced if a situation occurs she would be quicker to respond.

It is a tough situation and I do not know the answer. On the one hand, I think it is important that our son experience vacations (and he really had never been on one in his life with the exception of going downstate to see the grandparents when they were alive and/or lived there). On the other hand, I understand the need to make sure her mother is properly taken care of. So, as usual, I will just roll with the punches and see what happens.

Stuck In The Middle

2008-04-07T14:16:00.001-07:00

We went out to celebrate my Mother-in-law’s birthday the other day. After we finished eating my wife went home and I took my son and my Mother-in-law out. It was an interesting situation and perhaps is quite symbolic of what happens today when we need to parent our parents as well as parent our children.

We decided to go to the library. Of course today’s library is a far cry from what we had when I was growing up, not that I had anything against the library when I was a child, I enjoyed going. Still, today, there are computers with internet connectivity set aside for kids, other computers with kid’s games on them and areas for children to play, play dress-up, play with blocks, play with all sorts of toys.

My son wanted to get on one of the computers. My Mother-in-law wanted to look at the books in the large print section. My son, while usually good can get temperamental. My Mother-in-law while unsteady on her feet, refuses to use a walker and certainly not a wheelchair.

I found myself going back and forth from one area to the other, trying to look inconspicuous, trying to make it so neither one of the two people would see me. Certainly my Mother-in-law would have protested wanting to know if I did not trust her.

Certainly grandkids are great medicine for grandparents. Certainly grandparents are great for grandkids (and my Mother-in-law is my son’s one remaining living grandparent). I was certainly happy to take them both out but it is not as easy as it once was.

Well, I guess it is tough getting old, as well as growing up!

Life And Death

2008-04-02T07:16:00.001-07:00

My wife and I are friends with a couple who earlier in the week needed to put one of their three dogs to sleep. The dog was old and was having health problems and it certainly was the best thing and yet, of course, it is never easy.

As luck would have it, my son and I were over there this past weekend and we both had a chance to play with all the dogs. We did not know at the time this was going to be the last time we could play with Bear but I did know he was heading to the vet come the beginning of the week and certainly had my suspicions (I am sure they did to).

After they put the dog down, my wife told my son and she asked him if he understood what that met. He said he did. Later he asked me if they can do that, or actually do that, with human beings. Now I was left with the challenge of explaining euthanasia to a nine year old. The topic is certainly controversial and perplexing enough for a 40 something year old.

I explained to him that sometimes people as they get old indicate that if certain things happen, they do not want to be treated for the illness. I did not get into the idea of mercy killings and things of that nature. Even the idea of refusing treatment, in the best of circumstances, can be confusing and murky, especially in terms of parenting our parents.

I thought about my own father who indicated he would never want to be kept alive on a respirator, if there was no chance of survival and if he would have no memory of anything. I remember when he was taken to the hospital and I, as his proxy, four hundred miles away, needed to make a decision about whether or not to intubate. This was actually something he and I had never discussed and only after deciding to do it, do my brother, my sister and I come across a living will that stated he was adamant about no intubations and no restraints, something else that was done to keep him from pulling the tube out of his neck.

The problem was his living will further went on to talk about what to do and not do if there was no chance of coming out of things (as determined by two doctors). All the information the family had indicated that the doctor’s expected the intubation to be a temporary measure to get him back on track. As a result, he actually did send mixed messages as the belief among the family was he was referring to these measures when there was no real chance of coming out of it and that was never the indication we got from the medical staff.

There were many other issues that also became a reality, perhaps for another post but the bottom line is, the idea of ‘putting a human to sleep’ is certainly complex and has many intricacies and is a very real issue at times when children are treating parents. Ultimately in the case of my father, the doctors indicated he was not responding the way they had expected (or hoped) and it was just a matter of time. With my father’s approval and knowledge (again, a post for another time), we did end up removing the tube.

So, for those of you treating parents, please make sure you actually have an in-depth discussion about the parent’s wishes. It is not as simple as it might first seem.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

2008-03-31T12:45:00.000-07:00

Despite being times when I really feel like strangling my son (Don’t worry, I would never do it), he really is a good guy and very perceptive. He has noticed how my Mother-in-law really seems to enjoy getting out.

When she complains about there being nothing to do, I tell her if she lets me know where she wants to go, I would be happy to take her there. Still, she never indicates that she wants to go anywhere. Even the times that I invite her, my mother-in-law usually says the weather is not great and she would rather not go out.

My son has picked up on the fact that if he asks her, she is more likely to say yes. He also notices that when she is out she seems to smile more and have a better time than when she is at her assisted living facility. As a result, the past couple of weeks, without my prompting, he has called her and invited her out. Both times she has agreed. Both times she seems to really enjoy getting out and even when she returns back, she still seem to be in a better mood.

It may be actions rather than words but, “Out of the mouths of babes,” still seems to fit.

Rough Driving

2008-03-27T21:02:00.002-07:00

I was teaching a class this evening and as I was driving home and was driving into blinding snow. The roads were not slippery and the snow was not even that heavy but it was coming straight at the windshield. The fact that I do not prefer night driving in the first place and that I was dealing with a blinding snow made for quite an interesting ride home.

As I was driving, it occurred to me that I was probably experiencing some of the same emotions my mother-in-law does, living in an assisted living facility. For instance, I have done this drive hundreds of times. This, however, was the first time at night in this kind of snow. As I am driving fighting to hold the road and follow it, I see all sorts of vehicles pass me by as though they are having no problem.

My mother-in-law knows she cannot do the things she once did. Things that she used to do all the time, things that she used to do as a way to make a living, are things she can no longer do. Just like I found it frustrating driving a road that I know and had difficulty handling, she has got to have a hard time not doing those things she used to do so easily years ago.

There were stretches of the road where, for whatever reason, I had an easier time handling the road. Then it got tougher again. Sometimes my mother-in-law is right on the money and able to do a lot and sometimes she has trouble following seemingly simple information. Sometimes she too can follow the road only to find it turns back into the road that was giving us trouble.

If, when we deal with people in assisted living programs (specifically parents), this is the type of thing we need to remember. There will be times, and already are times, when the things we used to do so easily will be difficult. Just like we want to be treated nicely and have people understand (I did not mind people passing me but those that honked and flashed their brights at me, well that is a different story.

Forget the fact that one day we may be in the shoes our parents are at the current time, when it comes to certain aspects of our lives, we may already be there.

Ignoring E-Mails!

2008-03-26T20:05:00.001-07:00

As I mentioned yesterday, my sister-in-law (My wife’s, brother’s, wife) was recently up here. She and I share a mother-in-law. We have also both been told not to voice our opinions too loudly.

What I recently learned is, when she was up here for a few days, my wife starting e-mailing her everyday telling her what her mom could and could not do. My sister-in-law said this got to be so much she simply hit the delete button before even reading the text.

My wife is excellent when it comes to keeping on top of things. She know what meds her mom gets and when she needs them. She knows when her mother needs to eat to keep the blood sugar stabilized so there is no diabetic episode. She truly stays on top of a lot.

Unfortunately, she can overdo it. Part of the reason her mom cannot do so much is because she is not given the opportunity and she hears from others that she cannot do something. I am not so naïve to believe she can do now the same things she could have done 20 years ago. I certainly understand that, following her stroke, her mom is not capable of doing certain things. Still, give her the opportunity.

When the sister-in-law was up her, she took my mother-in-law out shopping, out to the mall and out to dinner. In fact one evening my sister-in-law and her daughter did not get out to dinner until after 8PM. Mother-in-law was invited but she turned down the offer. A few minutes later she put her coat on and said she decided she did want to go with them. My wife felt that her mom was run ragged but I thought this was great medicine and I have not seen my mother-in-law do this well in a long time!

A Mammogram

2008-03-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I posted and I would like to say that things have changed, but they really haven’t.

Last week, my Mother-in-law’s doctor was in touch with my wife that she wanted my Mother-in-law to come in for a mammogram. Now, I’m not quite sure of the sequence of things, but apparently my wife had to make the appointment. The mammogram was with a new doctor, so my wife was making an appointment for her mom with someone neither of them had seen before.

Apparently the doctor needed my Mother-in-law to sign a consent form allowing my wife to set the appointment, due to the HIPA laws. My wife stopped what she was doing, went to get a form and called her mom to come over to sign it.

When her mother got here, my wife cornered her as soon as she walked in, thrusting the paper in front of her and telling her to sign it (or so I was told by another in-law, as I was not here when it took place). She did not greet her mom, give her mom a chance to take off her coat or sit down, it was just thrown at her.

My mother-in-law wanted to know what it was and upon being informed, she refused to sign it. Apparently, she was not convinced she needed one and if she was going to get one, she wanted to be the one to set up the appointment.

I asked my wife what was so terrible about that and was told that she keeps giving everyone a different story as to what is wrong and what hurts and the only way the doctor will get an accurate story is if she (my wife) is there. “Isn’t it better that she at least have the mammogram, even if she doesn’t tell the same story,” I persisted. “Maybe the doctor won’t have a fully accurate picture from the information your mom gives but he will have the results of the mammography and will at least now if something is wrong”.

“Maybe,” my wife responded. She continued, “But, maybe the doctor will refuse to even see her if she can’t tell an accurate story and maybe he will need some family history information in order to get a correct reading”.

Maybe my wife is correct but it seems to me that it is better to have something than nothing and her mom needs to have a feeling of having some independence, even if it is just making an appointment. I don’t know if her mom would have signed it had she not felt “attacked,” when she first walked in the house but certainly, I believe, it would have helped. Certainly, I believe, again from what I heard, that it would have been a calmer situation that would have ended differently than having both my wife and her mom in tears.

As for how this is going to get resolve, I don’t know. I have some strong thoughts but, speaking from experience, I know my wife really does not want to hear my opinions. So, I just stay quiet and try to be supportive.

What Am I Missing

2008-01-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

I don’t get it! I just don’t get it! I watch my wife and her mother deal with each other, and I just don’t understand.

My mother-in-law called earlier today. My wife was putting our son to bed and I was doing some work in the basement, unable to get to the phone (and not wanting to interrupt my work at that point). Caller ID let us know it was my wife’s mother who called, so she went to call back (I think while my Mother-in-law was trying to leave a message).

All of a sudden I heard screaming. Apparently my Mother-in-law was telling my wife that she called us and the attendant came on. My wife said “No,” and told her Mom we don’t have that. Her Mom then started screaming at her, that this is what happened and my wife shouldn’t aggravate her. My wife got off the phone very upset and all in tears.

Okay, so I am confused. I don’t understand why her Mother got so upset and why she told my wife not to aggravate her. I don’t understand why my wife looked to correct her Mom. Just leave it alone. I do not know what tone of voice my wife used (not always as friendly as she thinks it is). It seems to me like this whole thing could have been avoided.

I also don’t understand why my wife rushes to call her Mom back every time she calls. She will complain about talking to her Mom numerous times a day but she continually calls back. My wife claims it is because her Mom will continually call until she responds. I do not know if it is true but if that is the case, I say answer once, tell her that based on her behavior she will not be talking to her again that day and then don’t answer the phone when she calls. I think she should try it and see what happens. It may not be the most grown up thing to do (although maybe it is) but it certainly will make the point.

By the way, if you think I will suggest it to my wife, forget it. I know what fate awaits me if I try suggesting to her how she should deal with her Mom.

So, as I said before, I don’t get it!

Checkers

2007-12-30T19:09:00.001-08:00

It is so hard to determine if my Mother-in-Law is having a bad day or if she is showing signs of dementia. My wife has been convinced for a number of years her mom has been showing signs. I am not so convinced and truly think she does not know how to relate to her mother.

I still have my doubts as to whether moving her into an assisted living program, 300 plus miles from where she was living no less, was a good move. I have seen her mother deteriorate over the past few years she has been there. What I don’t know is, is it a good thing she is at this facility because she is deteriorating or is she deteriorating because she is here and is not given the opportunity to do things for herself.

In fairness, my Mother-in-Law has some opportunities to do some things for herself, but she refuses. She would rather sulk and mope and that just makes the situation worse.

The other day, I took my son over to see Grandma. The two of them decided to play a game of checkers. They have done this before. On this day, however, Grandma was insistent that the person playing black is supposed to put the black checkers on black squares and the person playing red is supposed to put the red checkers on red squares.

I tried explaining that it really doesn’t matter if you play on the red squares or the black squares (the rules actually say black) as long as all checkers are on the same color, since the game involves moving diagonally. She set up the pieces that way but was all confused and had trouble grasping the correct way of playing.

Later that day the three of us took out a deck of cards and started playing poker (might as well teach my son at an early age). This Grandma had no trouble recalling or playing correctly. Okay, she gets a little forgetful as to what beats what but I’ve played with many people who have trouble keeping that straight.

Ultimately, I’m not the one who can do anything. That decision will either have to be made by my Mother-in-Law or by my wife. Still, I do try to keep my eye on things and pay attention to how well she is doing. Sometimes, it is difficult to get a read and all I can do is hope!

Getting To Know You

2007-12-23T22:24:00.001-08:00

I was over at my Mother-in-law’s today and made a comment tongue-in-cheek. I got away with it (at least for now), but the more I thought about it, the more I was convinced (and am convinced) that I hit the nail on the head.

My wife’s mom was going through some papers and throwing things out. She made a comment about not wanting to do it and I told her she could stop. She said that was true as ultimately this would become my wife’s responsibility (to take care of her estate once she dies- which is a number of years away). My mother-in-law then made a comment about how her daughter would just throw things away without even looking at them.

Now, my wife is meticulous with things like this, almost to a fault. She is very detailed oriented and has been taking care of her mother’s bills since her mom suffered the stroke. I know how careful my wife would be about going through things like this. So, I responded by saying, “It’s amazing how much you and your daughter don’t really know each other”.

This is definitely a two way street. My wife gets frustrated with her mom over stupid little things that she should let slide. She does not give her mom credit or recognize what she can do or try to give her some independence to do some of these things on her own.

My comment, which just kind of slipped out, is definitely accurate. Neither one really knows who the other is, or what the other is all about.

The Plot

2007-10-16T10:01:00.000-07:00

My dad used to comment when he went shopping, how there was a plot against him. He would joke that just as he got to the front of the line, a cashier needed to cash out, or one of the managers needed to do a pickup of some money. My dad used to joke that at one point he was truly convinced they did this just because they knew he had gotten to the front of the line and it was a plot against him. Of course, he eventually came to the realization that while it was frustrating, it was not by design.

The other day my mother-in-law called while my son was doing homework. My wife had just got him to settle down and focus on his work after about a half hour struggle with him insisting he was not doing it, when the phone rang. That was it, my son was no longer focused on his work. He talked to grandma and then refused to go back to his homework.

My wife was absolutely convinced that this was a plot against her. She knew her mom had figured my wife had just got the little one to calm down to do his work and she deliberately called just to distract my son. I heard her complain how she had just gotten our son to settle down and didn’t her mom know better.

Only difference was, unlike my dad, my wife never realized that this was not the case, although I can appreciate the frustration of trying to refocus him on his homework.

Selective Memory

2007-10-07T21:08:00.001-07:00

I used to talk with my Dad about people having selective memories. We remember things not the way they occurred, but the way we want to remember. Of course they are based in reality, but we remember making a comment showing how intelligent we were or how we diagnosed the situation so quickly, when in fact that never happened. That is just one example. I do not think this is a bad thing, but it does happen.

There is a variation of that and this is when we want someone to do something for us, so we make exceptions, but we do not make them for other people. Due to the Jewish Holidays and then my son not feeling well, it has been a few week since I got him over to his grandmother, my mother-in-law. I got him there today.

I am fighting a respiratory infection, but I am on antibiotics. She told me I should stay away from my son so I do not give it to him (who do you think gave it to me). When I pointed out that if I stayed completely away from him she would not be seeing him today, her attitude change. It was okay for me to do that, but other than that, I should stay away.

My wife has Pneumonia. She too is on antibiotics and getting better, but she still has it, is not feeling great and is coughing up a storm. She too was told, by her mother, to stay away from our son. When her mom, however, needed something from the store, she called my wife to ask her to get it. My wife has to stay away from her grandson, but she can go out to the mall and infect the whole community.

Again, I do understand where she is coming from and I think many of us would take a similar approach. Still, it is important that we always consider the source and why certain things are being said. We do not have to fight out every issue but we can, and I think should, engage in what I call selective hearing. Sometimes the smartest thing is just to pretend you did not hear. That is often the solution to selective memory.

Hanging Up

2007-10-06T00:37:00.000-07:00

My wife has gotten frustrated that, for the past few years, when the two of them get into arguments on the telephone, her mom will just hang up. I do not know that this is actually such a terrible thing, but I certainly understand the frustration. Well her mom called yesterday and wanted my wife to go to the store to buy her some things. My wife has not been feeling very well and refused to do it. And that point I hear my wife say in frustration, “She hung up again”.

Not less than 30 seconds later, the telephone rings and it is her mom calling back. I just hear the one side of the conversation. “No mom, you hung up on me, “ followed by, “Well then, we must have gotten disconnected”. This is followed by a little more arguing and then the phone being hung up.

My wife says to me, again in frustration, “I cannot believe she called back to see if I hung up”. Now, it seems to me that she should appreciate this call. Here she gets frustrated with her mother for just hanging up and she thinks her mom did it again. With this phone call, it would seemingly be apparent, at least at for this onetime, that it was not her mom hanging up. Since her mom’s line also got disconnected she (my mother-in-law) called to see what happened. Again, I would have taken the call as a positive sign, as knowing that I got frustrated for her hanging up, when that was not what she did, or was trying to do.

As I have said before, Oh well, I guess we are all very different people.

Back To "Normal"

2007-10-02T00:41:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been awhile since I have posted an entry. Between the Jewish Holidays and my son not feeling well with croup like conditions, things have been crazy. The good news is, my mother-in-law is out of the rehab and back in her assisted living program. In fact, she does not even need an aide. My wife feared it might be a 24 hour necessity, or certainly around meal times and morning time. Instead, she was given a regimen, a walker and will be having someone come to her to do physical therapy. As things go, this is about the best to hope for.

My wife, not surprisingly, has been going crazy trying to get everything set. She wanted to make sure when her mother got back to her apartment at the assisted living facility, it had all the comforts of home. It is hard to know what my mother-in-law thought as no matter what her mom said, my wife would hear it a particular way. Of course, the reason she hears it in a less than positive tone is, that is the way her mom often reacts to her. That is the unfortunate part of this whole thing.

My mother-in-law has been calling numerous times a day to check up on her grandson. He is fine. It is a sickness, it is being treated, and there are far worse things that many other kids are stricken with, this will pass. Still, Grandma is concerned about her grandson. My wife, however, works nights and is trying to get sleep during the day and having her mom call a few times a day prevents that from happening. In addition, my wife is convinced that her mom does not believe her when she tells her something. “Could you please call my mom and tell her that her grandson is fine,” or “Could you please call my mom and tell her you will be coming over for a visit later today,” or “Could you please call my mom and tell her…,” you fill in the rest, are not uncommon requests she will make of me because she feels her mother does not believe what she (my wife) says. Again, this could be true or it could be perception. Problem is, if it is perception, than for my wife, it is reality.

Well, I guess you could say, things are getting back to normal.

Going Home!

2007-09-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

If all goes well, my mother-in-law will get out of the rehab facility on Friday. They are still not reading to take the soft cast off. They are actually saying she will probably need it for another four weeks. She will need to use a walker for awhile. Still, they are releasing her.

My mother-in-law, who has wanted to leave that facility since she got there, is now a bit apprehensive. She is concerned and wondering if she should get an aide to help. The irony in all this. My wife thought her mother would be required to have an aide. My wife expected her mother to fight that. In the end, she is told she will not need one and she is feeling like she might want one.

I actually can understand that. She is anxious to get back to her place and see all her friends. Still, there is the concern she has that maybe she is not ready. It would be nice if this event helps her turned the corner. I would like to believe that she will appreciate now, more than before, what she has. I doubt that will happen, however. While initially she might let herself enjoy living in the assisted living program, while initially she might appreciate all the freedoms, it will not last.

I do not mean to sound pessimistic, it is just that I have been around her enough to know that at some point, she will get fed up and resort back to her old ways. That could happen after just one day, or it might take several weeks, or even months before it happens. It would be nice if it never occurred, but I am not holding my breath. At some point, she will start trying to run everyone’s life.

Well, enjoy what you have while you have it, because tomorrow can be a completely different day.

Announcements

2007-09-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

This is a Paid Post

We spend a lifetime trying to assert our independence from our parents. The truth, however, is we realize how much they gave to us and we are willing to give back to them. While I usually write about the trials and tribulations of my mother-in-law, the fact is my wife and I looked to pay homage to my father-in-law (her dad) as well. He was fighting a losing battle with cancer. Instead of having the big wedding we had planned and we wanted, we did a small ceremony at my (now) wife’s parent’s house. My father-in-law passed away a week after the wedding.

While we did not invite guests, after the ceremony, we did send out wedding announcements. There were a number of places we looked and it is always nice to find new places, places that do different things, to see what is available. When our son was born, not surprisingly, we name him after my father-in-law. Of course, we sent out Birth Announcements.

Isn’t it interesting that any time you have a special event, or a “Save the Date” function, we look to spend money to send out announcements. The truth is, however, I have never regretted sending out such announcements.

Blowing Shofar

2007-09-24T20:35:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my son and I went to visit my mother-in-law. It was a relatively short visit as we did not get a chance to head over there until later in the day. My wife had made some comment to her mom the day before about me blowing shofar at services.

The shofar is a ram’s horn that is blown on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (Yom Kippur to signify the end of the fast). At my congregation, on Yom Kippur, they urge all congregants who have a shofar, to bring it to services and to blow it at the appropriate time. There are often 50 people or more blowing the shofar.

My wife and I picked one up a few years ago. As a former trombone player, I can get some sounds out of the shofar (since the mouth positions are similar). My wife tried getting a sound out of the shofar with no luck. Then she handed it to me and was amazed that I was able to get a sound. She mentioned this to her mother.

My mother-in-law was impressed and since she had not heard the shofar blow at all over this holiday season (since she is in rehab), she asked if I could bring it when we came to visit and blow the shofar for her. I was happy to oblige.

I mentioned in earlier posts that I had hoped to do some cooking of holiday foods for her to help create a holiday atmosphere. I never got to do that. I sort of felt that by doing this, I helped create a holiday mood for my mother-in-law and that it helped.

The visit was relatively short, although we did end up staying close to an hour. It was a pleasant visit and one that I hoped filled all of my mother-in-law’s expectations. At least for the little time we were there, it seemed to make a difference.

Seeing Things As An Outsider

2007-09-22T21:03:00.001-07:00

Isn’t it always easier to live someone else’s life better than he or she is living it. We can always see things better when we are not the one emotionally involved. Yesterday my wife was trying to get everything set for Yom Kippur, including the house straightened, and things set for both the meal before the fast and the meal afterwards, for breaking the fast.

During this time, her mom called her a number of time and my wife got frustrated as this interruption kept her from doing what she needed to do. My mother-in-law is no longer in her own house, she feels that she is not making her own decisions and the Jewish Holidays now only serve as a reminder of what she once was able to do in terms of hosting large gatherings but now is incapable of doing.

Not only is my mother-in-law not in her own home, she is not even in her own assisted living facility. She did a number on her foot and is no in rehab. The assisted living facility where she lives is a Jewish facility. They usually have some kind of service right at the facility and they provide shuttle transportation to all the synagogues in the area. The rehab facility she is at is not a Jewish facility. They are all very nice there but it does not offer her a religious experience, one that would be important to her. Even if she does not participate, it is important that there is something at the facility. At this location, there is not.

I spoke with my wife’s mother shortly before the Yom Kippur Holiday began. My wife talked with her for a little and then handed me the phone. When I hung up, my wife asked me if her mother was still crying (which she was). I could not help but think, this was not such a bad thing. And, we talk about the grieving of any loss. To my wife’s mother, the Holidays are now a time to grieve a loss, a loss of what she can no longer do; a loss of what used to be.

To me, this all makes sense. Again, being the outsider, I feel I have so much of a better handle on this. Still, while I can offer to help and do things (which certainly happens), I certainly am not the one to take over. I just wish sometimes my wife were a little more understanding of the situation (and that my mother-in-law were a little more understanding of my wife’s situation).

Fasting And Not Fasting

2007-09-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

As we approach the Jewish Holiday of Yom Kippur, it is interesting what people believe and try to do. The holiday includes a full 25 hour fast, with nothing to eat or drink (including water). However, if you have a medical issue, than you are required to take care of it instead of fasting.

My mother-in-law is diabetic. It is important that she eat on a regular basis to keep the blood sugar at consistent levels. Every year she tells us she is not going to fast (when my wife asks), but every year she ends up fasting.

As my mother-in-law continues to rehab, it is important that she build up her strength, keep it up to the level it is now. She should be eating.

I do not know what she will do. The problem is, many of us how it so ingrained in our brains that we do what we need to, to make sure we fast. Truth is, if there is a medical reason, not only is eat permissible to eat, it is a requirement.

It would be nice if, in addition to trying to fast, we understood our body’s needs and were willing to make sure they are met, if the situation is like or death.

G’mar Hatima Tova!

Time Of Day Is Important

2007-09-18T20:51:00.000-07:00

I have come to realize that when you are taking care of an elderly parent, or a parent who needs assistance, the time of day you talk with that individual can make a huge difference. My wife works the overnight shift. When she comes home, she is tired. She has not yet wound down from the pressures of the job (sometimes she does not even realize she needs to). Not surprising, she can also be cranky (of course, I am never cranky when I come home from work-lol).

It seems that it is at this time her mom decides to call her. I really think she should ask her mom not to call her until after 10 AM, or some time, where she has had time to unwind. She will not do that and she will be angry with me if I meddle and suggest it to her mom. Still, I think it would be helpful and hopefully cut down on some of the yelling.

This evening my wife had a bad headache before she left for work. I am surprised that she decided to call her mom at this point. She should have known how her body was feeling and listened to it. I think it would have helped. Instead the two of them ended up in a yelling match (again).

Sometimes we should let our clocks be our guide.

Stay Calm, Please!

2007-09-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

Today my mother-in-law called my wife’s cell phone wanting to talk with her grandson. My wife was getting set to go to a meeting and listening to my wife on the phone, you would think her mom committed a terrible offense.

From my end I hear, “Maaa, I gotta go, I have a meeting in less than 15 minutes.”

“Yes, they are here” (obviously asking about me and my son).

“Call back on the house phone” and, “You have the number,” are not far off.

Well, my mother-in-law never called so after about half an hour, we called her. She asked for the home phone number and I gave it to her. My wife’s mother says, “But, that’s the same number you had in the apartment.”

“Yes Mom. We were able to keep the same number.”

Her mom, initially did not realize that we no longer had a phone at the apartment as well as here in the new house. Her mom did not realize that we were able to keep the same phone number. I explained to her all that we did and she understood.

Sometimes I really wish my wife would treat her mother like some of the people she works for and understand she needs to be patient. When my wife got home from the meeting, I told her what was confusing her mother.

“But, I explained all this to her,” she says in a frustrated voice.

Sometimes I do not understand why she gets so frustrated.

To Buy Or Not to Buy

2007-09-16T21:22:00.001-07:00

Now that we are in our new house, we are finding that it is time to buy a bunch of new things. Not, that we have the money mind you, but we want to buy those items we need and replace the ones in need of replacing.

One item that we wanted to get it a desk for my son. Now that we have more space, we would like him to get into the habit of doing homework in his room. My mother-in-law made the very generous offer of wanting to buy something for us. My wife and I know that living in an assisted living program, she needs to be careful with her money. My mother-in-law said she would like to buy a desk for her grandson.

My wife and I actually thought this would be perfect. First of all, it is the cheapest of the items we were getting. This is not to suggest it is cheap, but the other items were probably about three times more expensive. We also figured Grandma would be thrilled to buy something for her grandson and that her grandson would be thrilled to have his grandmother buy this for him. It sounded to easy. It was!

My mother-in-law wanted to see the desk before we bought it. She is still in rehab and unable to walk. We want to get the furniture taken care of as soon as possible so we can have what we need. When my wife explained this, Grandma was not happy. We offered to take a picture, to let her come over and see it as soon as she was released from rehab, to try and make all sorts of accommodations. These were not to Grandma’s liking and she just yelled, “Never Mind,” so my wife and I figured we would pay for it ourselves.

Today, my wife, son and I went out to look at the furniture and buy what we needed. We bought the desk for our son, a desk he said he really liked. After this, my son and I went to visit Grandma. She asked what we did today and we told her about our shopping expedition. She asked me if my wife took the money for my son’s desk out of Grandma’s account. I was not sure what to say so I told her I didn’t know. Apparently, the desire to buy the desk is now back on and she wants to reimburse us for the desk and asked us to take a picture of the desk so she could see it (which of course we will do). I just do not understand why my wife did not suggest that in the first place.

In all seriousness, it would have been a lot easier on everyone if Grandma has said this when my wife did suggest it. Still, in the end, Grandma came through and it is appreciated.

How Can You Go Wrong

2007-09-15T19:31:00.000-07:00

Growing up, I remember the feeling when an immediate relative was celebrating a birthday. Did you wish them a Happy Birthday first thing in the morning, or did you try and pretend that you forgot so when it was celebrated later that evening, the family member was surprised?

In my family, we quickly learned that you wished the member a Happy Birthday. Everyone knew we would be celebrating that evening, and if for some reason, it could not be that night, everyone knew the game plan as to when the Birthday would be celebrated. The feeling was, you could never go wrong by wishing someone a Happy Birthday on their birthday.

I recently experienced this feeling again. I had hoped to do some cooking for my mother-in-law for the Jewish high holiday of Rosh Hashanah. I did not do it. I know my mother-in-law is not where she wants to be for the holiday. She does not want to be in any kind of assisted living program and I think it is especially tough around the holidays. Worse than that, however, is needing to be at rehab, and rehab at a non-Jewish facility.

I do not believe my wife’s mother has taken advantage of the services they have at the facility the past couple of years, but she knows they are there. Now, where she is, they do not have Jewish services. As a result, I wondered if I should have avoided calling to wish her a good year, because it might be like rubbing salt in the wound and reminding her of what she cannot have, or if I should call her and wish her a good year, a happy holiday, since it would be inconsiderate (and possibly mean) not to do so.

I heard the voice of my parents saying, “Of course you call her and wish her a good year. How could you not?”

I decided this was what I would do. Still, as it turned out, I did not have, or was not given, much of a choice. My wife was talking with her mother Wednesday evening (before the holiday started). She said, “Here, speak to your mother-in-law,” as she handed me the phone and made sure I knew to wish her a good year. As I said, I had already decided on this approach as we were getting set to start the Jewish New Year. Still, at this point, I really did not have a choice, even if I had planned on something else.

“How can you go wrong wishing someone a Happy New Year”. So to all the Jews out there, and even the Non-Jews, I say to you, “I hope you have a good year”.

A Holiday Atmosphere

2007-09-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law is going to be in the nursing home, for rehab, for the Jewish High Holidays. The assisted living program where she lives is a Jewish facility. While she may not always take advantage of the services they offer, she does appreciate that they are available.

I would imagine it has to be difficult to live in such a facility on a holiday, any holiday, when nothing is being done for that holiday. Certainly, based on the importance of the Jewish High Holy Days, it would seem to make the situation more difficult.

As of the current time, I have not heard my mother-in-law complain about this. I am guessing, however, it is just a matter of time. What I would really like to do is find a time when I can make some of the traditional holiday foods and bring it to her. I would also like to get her a few religious items associated with the holiday.

I do not know that this will help but I hope that anything which can be done to give people more of a holiday atmosphere can, and probably should help.

I think my wife feels the same way and would like to do something for her mom, despite the difficulties of their relationship. The problem is she is not feeling very well right know and she is busy preparing for the holidays herself. It is probably very difficult for her to find the time to do it.

Hopefully everyone involved will be able to have an enjoyable and happy holiday.

The Lion And The Lamb

2007-09-10T12:49:00.001-07:00

Sometimes certain people just bring out the “best” in each other. When my wife was talking with one of the staff members of the nursing home where my mother-in-law is located, the staff (I believe in the health care field) indicated that some of her mom’s behavior was due to post stroke dementia.

My wife is curious as to why, however, the behavior being attributed to this, mainly exhibits itself when she and her mom are talking. When my mother-in-law and my son are together, most of the time, she is fine with him. When I am with my mother-in-law, most of the time she is fine with me. When it is my wife, it is a different story.

Following our move into our new home, I had a very pleasant conversation with my mother-in-law and she wished us well. It sounded that when she had a conversation with my wife, it started out on a friendly note, but it did not take long until it deteriorated into a shouting match.

As I have indicated before, when it comes to taking care of things and making sure everything is in order, my wife is the person you want to do it. She is very detailed and keeps track of everything. I actually think that is part of the problem. My wife is doing for her mom things her mom used to be able to do herself. That is almost like rubbing salt in the wounds. The problem is, if my wife does not do it, it will not get done. I still hope to see the day when the lion and the lamb can sit down in peace, or in this case, my wife and mother-in-law. Maybe I am foolish, but I still think one day it will happen. I hope I am right.

The Power Of "Thank You"

2007-09-06T14:28:00.000-07:00

The other day my mother-in-law called and asked my wife to bring her some sweaters and warmer clothes. She was complaining it was too cold in the rehab facility where she is located. The way my wife tells the story, her mom was very rude and demanding. Apparently she first left a message on the house phone. After not hearing back from her daughter for a few hours, she called her on her cell phone. According to my wife, her mom was very upset and annoyed that her daughter had not picked up the message on the home phone. My wife added that she demanded she bring her some warmer clothes.

My wife considered not doing it. She is trying to get her mom to realize that the way you treat people and talk to them effects their willingness to help. In the end my wife and son brought over some warmer clothes.

Apparently things changed for the better somewhere between the call to her cell phone and my wife and son’s arrival to the nursing home. Her mom told her she did not need all of the clothes she brought over but thanked her numerous times for bringing them and for making the trip. She let my wife know that she now had clothes there to keep her warm.

It is amazing how much better my wife felt after this visit. A simple “Thank You,” but one that is sincere, can go a long way. As I have stated before, I do not know how long it stays like this but I am grateful for any time when my wife and her mother relate well to each other. I hope it continues for a while.

Ignore The Phone

2007-09-04T14:12:00.001-07:00

The plan was to go out to dinner last night. Nothing could be simpler, right? Well, you know that simply by asking that question, the answer is “wrong”. Just before we were getting set to leave, the telephone rings and the caller-ID tells me it is my mother-in-law. I suggested to my wife that she let the machine get it and that we leave.

My wife tells me that she won’t do that because all that will lead to is her mother putting in numerous phone calls while we are out. So, my wife answers the phone and her mother says, “You have to get me out of here”.

“What’s wrong,” asks my wife.

Well, we are back to the food issue and how the food is no good and all the problems with it. As I mentioned, I certainly can see the point my mother-in-law makes but it seems that no matter what they do for her, at any of the facilities, she is not going to be happy.

As we are driving to the restaurant, my wife calls the rehab center where my mother-in-law is located. She is told that they brought her mom the phone she ordered off the menu. I do not know how wide of a selection they had and if there was anything on the menu she wanted but it was, apparently what she ordered.

We have now arrived at the restaurant and are seated. My wife tells me she is going to call her mother back from the table because that way she will be prevented from yelling and screaming at her mom. She does so and tells her mother what the people at the facility told her.

Her mother starts screaming, so loud that I could hear her through my wife’s telephone, that this was not true and she did not order it. My wife is trying to respond calmly, “Mom, I’m telling you what they said to me…”

Again, she is interrupted as my mother-in-law starts screaming and then hangs up before my wife can get a word in. My wife is now very frustrated and really unable to eat. See, it would have been better if she just let the machine answer.

The Mother-In-Law Who Cried Wolf

2007-09-03T20:26:00.001-07:00

I stopped by, with my son, to see my mother-in-law yesterday. We came by shortly before dinner time. My mother-in-law chose not to eat in the dinning room, so they brought dinner to her, in her room. It was a cheese dog, Italian wedding soup and pudding. My mother-in-law told them to take it away.

Her thinking was that at a nursing home facility that caters to the elderly, they really should have food that is more appropriate. I can see her point. Certainly I would think that something lower in fat and sodium should be available.

The staff was actually very nice and they were trying to see what they could find her instead. Egg salad was decided upon. She was told they would bring her an egg salad sandwich but she asked for it without the bread. Another member of the staff came back a little while later and told her that all they had were egg salad sandwiches, so that would be what they would bring her and she could take it off the bread.

I have to admit, the sandwich did not look very appetizing and it seemed to be scarce on the egg salad. My mother-in-law was not happy, but she did eat it (and then looked at me and said something to the effect of, “You see what I have to put up with here”.

The problem is my mother-in-law is like the boy who cried wolf. First, she is not always very friendly or nice about asking for something else to eat, or indicating that what they are serving her is not appropriate. In addition, whatever facility she is at, whatever they serve her, she has a problem. It is hard to know if, when she complains, there really is something wrong or if it is just her. And, while it may not be right, based on the way she treats the staff, they are not always so quick (or do not want to be so quick) to fix, or change the situation.

My mother-in-law needs to realize you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. My mother-in-law needs to realize that things may not always be perfect, but they could be acceptable. My mother-in-law needs to realize that in order for her complaints to be taken seriously, she cannot complain all the time, about every little thing. And, my wife needs to realize that sometimes when her mother complains, her mom has a legitimate point.

It is these easy things that are often the hardest to do.

To Visit Or Not To Visit

2007-09-02T09:06:00.001-07:00

The question today is should I take my son to see Grandma. Yesterday I ended up in the hospital as I strained a muscle while packing some boxes as we are getting set to move. I was given quite a scare when they did an EKG to make sure it was not heart related and the technician said she did not like the way it looked and ran it back to the doctor.

The doctor wanted a second EKG done after they shaved some of my chest hair as he thought it might have gotten in the way and given them a false reading. It turns out that was the case (although it took than over an hour and a half to tell me that while my mind conjured up all sorts of images of dying, of needing heart surgery and who knows what else). So, the bottom line is, it seems like a did something to the muscle but I did not break it or do anything that would show up on an x-ray. I was told to take it easy for the next couple of days (with Monday being Labor Day, I shouldn’t even need to miss time at work).

Now, my wife points out with a strained or sore muscle, just turning the wrong way could aggravate it, just driving could do some damage. On the other hand, I do not just want to stay here and do nothing (and no one told me I had to do nothing). My wife told her mother that I probably would not be bringing her grandson over to see her.

I, however, like bringing him over. I like the way they relate to each other and how it seems to be good for both of them. I like spending time with the two of them. Still, I do want to take it easy. So, right now my son is busy watching television and spending time on the computer. My wife is getting things taken care of in the house (the place where we will be living as of next weekend) and I am relaxing and typing blog entries. I am going to play it by ear and see about heading over to Grandma’s and see what my son wants to do, or if he comes and asks if we can visit.

Fortunately he has been over there a couple of times this week (although never enough for Grandma), so even if we do not get there, I am not depriving a grandmother of seeing her grandson for an entire week.

You're Right, And You're Right, And You're Right Too

2007-09-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law wants to have some money, some cash lying around her nursing home room. I can actually understand this. If she wants to get something, she does not want to have to call her daughter to bring her cash. Sometimes you just want to be able to buy something. My wife has told her she has an account set up at the facility so if she want to get her hair done, or something like that, she can and does not need to have cash. Her mom still wants to have some money nearby. Even with the account set up, I can understand where my mother-in-law is coming from.

My wife has a different attitude. She says that people are told not to keep cash around in such facilities because it tends to go “walking”. My wife says even when she is in a more secure environment, like her assisted living program, she has a tendency to misplace things and then call my wife and tell her that the staff has taken these items. My wife is right, her mother does do that. My wife feels that when she misplaces the cash at the nursing home (or when someone truly does take it), she will be getting a call from her mom and it will become my wife’s problem even though there is nothing she can do. My wife feels that with the account set up, anything her mom needs, she can get. I can certainly understand where my wife is coming from.

I do not know the answer or solution. The whole situation reminds me of a scene from Fiddler on the Roof. It is what I call the “You’re Right, You’re Right and You’re Right Too scenario”. In the movie, two sides plead their case to Tevya (I don’t even remember what the case is). After hearing the first side, Tevya says, “You know, you’re right”. Upon hearing the other person plead the other side of the case, Tevya says, “You know, you’re right.” When a bystander asks, “How can they both be right?”, Tevya replies, “You know, you’re right too.”

I hear my mother-in-law’s side and I say to myself, “you know, you’re right”. I hear my wife’s side and I say to myself, “you know, your right”. I then ask myself how can they both be right and I answer by saying, “you know, you’re right too”.

I do not know the answer to the situation, I just hope something can be worked out to everyone’s satisfaction.

House Painting And Visiting Grandma

2007-08-30T13:50:00.001-07:00

You have read numerous comments on this blog about my son and how he relates to his grandmother. The power that he has to help people heal and his willingness, most times, to do so. Today it is my pleasure just to praise him for what he does.

As I mentioned previously, my wife and I bought a house earlier this month. We are in the process of moving things in and getting it setup but we are still living in the apartment. This means there is not much for him to do at the house (although I did bring over a small TV, a VCR and some tapes. My wife was at the house painting today and he did an EXCELLENT job staying out of the way (that is what my wife reported back to me since I was not there) and accepting the fact that this needed to get done (which meant spending less time with him).

When my wife finished priming they needed to give it some time to dry before painting. The two of them decided to visit Grandma at the rehab center. Here he was, cooped up all morning and now he has the opportunity to do something and he wants to visit Grandma. He was told they would go out to lunch afterwards but my wife had planned on doing that anyway since she knew it would be, or could be, frustrating for him to be at the house with little to do.

Yes, I can get frustrated with him at times but I am really very fortunate. Thank you to my wife for painting and my son for staying out of her way AND visiting Grandma.

Talking On The Phone

2007-08-29T20:31:00.001-07:00

A few years ago, my son must have been four or five, my father bought him a present. My son called to thank Grandpa for the present. Instead of my dad saying, “Your Welcome,” this four or five year old got the lecture. My dad told him he was great at calling to say thank you when he got a present but when he (my dad) called and asked to speak to my son, my son would usually say he did not want to talk to Grandpa on the phone. My dad told him this did not cut it and he needed to talk not only when a present was sent but when some asked to speak to him as well.

“Dad,” I responded, “he is five years old. You are going to lecture a five year old about phone etiquette? When a child calls to say thank you, the only appropriate response is your welcome”. Well, my father certainly heard me on this and I give him credit because he always was willing to listen to such criticisms.

Now, a few years later, I wish my son would understand the power he has to make people feel better simply by talking to them on the phone. Grandma called today (my wife’s mother—the only living grandparent he has left). In rehab, she has her good days and her bad days. This is true out of rehab but when things are changed from the norm, it seems to be more difficult to cope. When my mother-in-law called, she wanted to talk to my son but he did not want to talk. While he is getting better and talking more often, I would like to see him do it more often as he had my mother-in-law in tears simply because he did not want to talk.

True, it is not his responsibility to keep her feeling happy or cheerful. Still, when something so simple can make a difference, I would hope most people, even a nine year old, would be willing to do it.

Bathroom Visit

2007-08-28T18:57:00.001-07:00

My mother-in-law called my wife this evening to tell her she needed to use the bathroom. This sounded a little strange to me to as I only heard one half of the conversation (my wife’s end) but I got a pretty good idea of the other end of the conversation as well.

My wife asked her mother if she rang the bell for the nurse, so she could help her get out of bed and into the bathroom. Apparently my mother-in-law said the nurse had been in her room a little while earlier and when she told the nurse she needed to use the bathroom, the nurse told her she was too busy at that time to help.

My wife responded by asking her mother what she was supposed to do about the situation. “Mom, I’m 20 minutes away. What do you want me to do about it?” I do not know that I would have responded this way, or put it quite so bluntly, but certainly she had a point. Still, I would hate to think that a nursing home would be unable to help a patient get to the bathroom.

My wife did call the nursing home after she got off the phone with her mom. (I wish she would have told her mother she was doing this so her mom understood that my wife was doing whatever she could). My wife told the person who answered the phone what her mother said and then my wife added, “I don’t really think the nurse said that. Still, could you check.”

I would not have said that I did not believe the nurse said this, I would have waited to hear what the receptionist said first. Still, my wife did not ignore the situation and did what she could to fix it. I gave her a kiss on her forehead and told her she was a good daughter.

“If only my mom felt that way,” was my wife’s reply.

I personally think her mother does know that and appreciates what her daughter does. Still, she does not say it and since she suffered a stroke and is no longer capable of doing the things she once did, I think it is very difficult for my mother-in-law to accept the situation and that makes it seem even more like she does not appreciate what her daughter does.

Both GrandKids

2007-08-27T20:19:00.000-07:00

My held my son’s birthday party this past weekend. My Brother-in-law, his wife and their daughter came to here to celebrate with the rest of my son’s friends. While they were here, we went to see Grandma. She had both her grandchildren, both her children (and both of her in-laws).

From everything I saw, she seemed to be doing great. She was receptive and friendly. She enjoyed seeing everyone, knew exactly what was going on and managed to do a nice job getting around. She is using a wheelchair and she was able to push herself. She also uses a walker to pivot from the bed into the chair. For years she has refused to use a walker, so it is a good thing that she is allowing herself to use it to help with the recovery process.

For me, however, the most important thing was just seeing how she responded to the grandchildren. She enjoyed having them with her, she introduced them around and had fun showing them off. She held conversations with them (sometimes she had trouble hearing them because she refuses to acknowledge she needs a hearing aid, but I think that is minor), and everything seemed to go as well, if not better, than I thought possible.

I do not know how long it stays like this or how long my wife will feel like everything is okay, but for now, I am just going to enjoy the fact that for at least one day, everything was great.

Medications

2007-08-26T15:49:00.001-07:00

I am hoping that things with my mother-in-law are getting better. My wife spoke with the nursing home where her mom is for rehab and it appears that they were giving her some medication that does nasty things to her. You would think in this day and age it would be easy to transfer records from one facility to another, but that is not the case. Still, after my wife spoke with them, they stopped giving her that med and it seems to have made a huge difference.

In addition, they are giving her a behavioral medication. My mother-in-law would never knowingly take such a medication but they told her it was for her blood pressure and she took it. My wife is thrilled. She has felt that her mother should have been taking behavioral medications and anti depressants for a long time, but she refuses and she knows what medication she gets. Now with the rehab stint, it can easily be passed off as a new medication.

It appears to be doing the trick. She seems much friendly, seems like she is actually enjoying life and she seems to know exactly what she is saying and what is going on. I do not know how long it will last but hopefully for awhile. I personally do not understand why she refuses to take a medication that makes her feel better, but that is for another time. Right now, while all is good with the world, or my mother-in-law anyway, I plan on taking advantage of the situation and doing what I can to have my son visit grandma more often.

Warning Signs

2007-08-24T10:20:00.001-07:00

For the past few years my wife has been saying her mother is showing some signs of dementia. I have not given it much heed. Based on their relationship, and based on my experiences with her mother, I thought this was just something that my wife was imagining. Yes, there were issues and I thought some of them could be tied into the stroke her mom suffered, but I did not believe she had dementia.

Yesterday my wife gave her mother a call and her mom told her she was talking to her granddaughter (my niece, who lives about 250 miles away). While my niece and her parents (my wife’s brother and his wife) are scheduled to come up here this weekend, we were not aware of any plans for them to come in earlier. My wife asked to speak to her brother or her sister-in-law. Her mom told her that it was just her granddaughter that was there, that her parent’s dropped her off. My wife then asked to speak with her niece and was told to hold on.

At this point, my wife was thinking maybe she really was visiting, if her mom told her to hand on. Still it was her mom who got back on the phone saying the granddaughter did not feel like talking on the phone. My wife called the facility where her mom was staying and asked if anyone had come in to visit her that morning. She was told “No”. The person at the rehab center with which my wife spoke, however, told her that her mom was carrying on a conversation the night before with her parents, who were under the bed. My mother-in-law’s parents have been dead for 40 years.

I am hoping that maybe the facility gave my mother-in-law some kind of medication to which she had a reaction. There are certain medicines that do make my mother-in-law hallucinate. Still, at this point, I do not think the warning signs can be ignored. I think there have to be some test run to find out exactly what we are dealing with.

Unfortunately what my hopes are do not match what I now believe to be the reality of the situation.

The Riot Act

2007-08-22T14:37:00.001-07:00

It is amazing how fast a mood can change and how quickly that can change game plans. A couple of weeks ago my wife took our son over to see grandma, her mom. She was in the rehab facility and she seemed to reject him. My wife said, “Tell Grandma about Space Camp,” (The week long summer program he was attending that week) and Grandma said abruptly, “I don’t want to hear about it”.

My son loves spending time with his grandmother and for her, it is really the best medicine she can get. When she rejected him, he acknowledged that it was the situation and not him that caused this reaction. Still, he has less of a desire to see his grandmother.

Then, a couple of times since then when she has sounded pretty good, we had planned to take him over the next day. The problem is, her mood can change so fast, it is different from minute to minute, let alone day to day. On both occasions, she has called the next day in a bad mood and indicated she does not want him to come over. My son can be a handful at times, but with this he is so good and understanding. Still, it deprives him of time with her and her of time with him (which as I said would be wonderful medicine).

The other day my wife got a call from the facility where her mom is and they talked about a few things but one of the things the doctor recommended was not bringing over a relatively young child right now as her mood was not good.

Yesterday when my wife called her mom, she asked our son ahead of time (as she usually does) if he wanted to talk and he said that at the current time he was afraid to talk. My wife called and let her mom know she had to let other help her and needed to fix her attitude. She told her mom that her grandson was afraid to talk to her and that with the way she rejected him last time he was over, he did not want to come over to see her. She had her mother in tears and it seemed to get through. In fact, my son upon hearing this said it sounded like “Grandma is trying to fix her attitude,” and he did want to call her back before going to sleep. He did that and it seemed to make a difference. I just hope that the scare my wife but in to her mother remains and continues to help her fix her attitude.

For now it seems to be good but by the time I post thjs, let along by tomorrow, it could be completely different.

Pushing Others Away

2007-08-21T11:26:00.001-07:00

My mother-in-law is on an emotional roller coaster, and she is taking the rest of us with her. She continues to be at a nursing home for rehab, but it is not where she wants to be. Some days when we talk to her, her spirits sound very good. Other times, they are low, but low to the point of being abusive to the people who work there and low to the point where she does not want me to bring my son to visit, and I do not think it is a good idea to bring him, even though a visit from her grandson would do her wonders.

Today my wife called and spoke with them and apparently her mom asked for some physical therapy but they said they could not give her any because the foot was fractured and not healed enough for it. Now I am really confused. If she is not able to get any therapy, why is she there? It seems if there is still a problem, she should be in the hospital where it can be monitored. Once it is healed enough for her to relearn how to use it, then move her for the physical therapy.

I know my wife was going to put in some calls to see what could be done. Still, it would be a lot easier and she would be a lot more willing if my mother-in-law were not so abusive. Sometimes the reason people do not come to visit, or to help her is, she pushes them away.

I do understand her frustration and the need for people not to let her push them away. Often times, we push people away the hardest when we need them the most. Even if we, the ones being pushed away, recognize it, it does not often mean we are able to accept it and continue coming back only to be pushed away again.

Hopefully this all works out soon.

Get Me Out

2007-08-19T19:26:00.001-07:00

My mother-in-law remains in the nursing home facility she is at for rehab. She still hates it and my wife remains impressed with the facility. Today I got a call from her and she told me she did not care what I needed to do but I had to call someone to get her out of there.

The fact that it was Sunday made this almost impossible. The fact that legally I cannot do anything and have no authority in this situation along with the fact that my wife would absolutely kill me if I went behind her back, completely prevented me from doing anything.

“Mom, legally I can’t do anything but tell me what the problem is so I can see if I can address them,” was my response. She told me the people there were nasty to her and that they were bringing her food she cannot eat. In terms of being nasty, I know my mother-in-law is not always an easy person to deal with. She may not even be aware of the things she is doing but if she is being mean, nasty and rude to them (my wife would add abusive but I do not know), they may be responding the same way or trying to avoid her as much as possible, which could lead to her not getting the treatment or quickness to which she feels entitled.

In terms of the food, she claims they are too fatty. I have seen her at her assisted living program object to the food being too fatty even when the cook has said he did not use any additional fat. There have been times where I thought the staff there could have been more patient with her but clearly she was wrong about the added fat.

The problem of course is, I do not think you can just ignore some claims like this. What if they are true. People have ignored individuals who have claimed rape or abuse at times only to regret doing so. People have ignored others who make threats about committing suicide only to regret doing so. I think this falls into the same category.

I did tell my wife and she did put some calls in to see what was going on. It looks like my mother-in-law may have exaggerated things but still I am glad my wife did some checking and will do some more tomorrow.

Perceptions

2007-08-17T14:02:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how two people can be witness the same thing and have completely different perceptions. When my wife went to the rehab facility where her mother is, my wife was very impressed. All the paper work was done very quickly, everything was ready for her mom by the time she got there (even thought they did not have much notice) and they were attentive to her mom’s needs.

Her mother sees the situation very differently. First she feels she does not need physical therapy. If she is going to get it, she is not at the facility she wants. The assisted living facility has a rehab/nursing home affiliated with it and it is right next store to where she was. This is what she wanted, but they did not have any beds. In addition, her mom claims they are slow to assist her. She says on one day no one came in to give her any physical therapy, or to even check on her. She claims another time, when she needed to use the restroom, they did not respond until 45 minutes later. She is not happy where she is, although realistically, she probably would not be happy anywhere right now.

My wife is sometimes too quick to dismiss what her mother says. If her mom thinks no one checked on her, or that it took someone 45 minutes to respond to her call, it seems it should be worth checking into. On the other hand, there have been many times when she has said this before, and it just has not been the case.

I really believe her mother thinks what she says is the truth, even if it is not. I think that a call should be made to check on things. I have tried to gently suggest this but I really cannot get involved because what will happen is both sides will just end up getting angry at me and angrier at each other. All I will do is make the situation worse. My nature generally is to see what I can do to help fix the problem but when I know it will just make things worse, I TRY to stay out of it.

Paying For Rehab

2007-08-15T20:36:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law is out of the hospital. That is the good news, but now she is in rehab. She is not thrilled to be there and does not want to admit it is where she needs to be right now, but she is in the right place. My wife is going frustrated getting her set up there. Still, as usual, she is doing an excellent job.

What I found amazing was a piece of information she learned while getting her mom set up. Her mother only spent two days in the hospital. Apparently, in order for health insurance to cover the cost of rehab, you need to spend at least three days in the hospital. As a result, her mom will have to pay the complete cost for rehab, for however long she is there (and it will probably be about a month) as well as needing to pay for the assisted living facility where she resides since she will, most likely, be going back there after she finishes in rehab.

I think it is ridiculous that you need to have at least a three day hospital stay. The bone is no more or less fractured if she only spends one or two days in the hospital. The treatment does not change. Is there a way that an individual can ask the hospital to keep him or her for three day (an extra day) if need be? It just seems silly.

Of course, I understand the need to eliminate any kind of fraud. I support that, but when these changes affect people who are playing by the rules, then I think changes need to be made. I do not know the answer, but the question does need to change.

It's Not A Plot Against You

2007-08-13T08:48:00.001-07:00

My mother-in-law needed to go back to the hospital today. Yesterday she seemed fine but this morning her leg was bothering her and she was not able to put any pressure on it, let alone walk on it. She was taken to the hospital and it turns out that the bone is fractured. They will probably just put a cast on it and then it is physical therapy. All things considered, it is not too bad.

My wife is convinced this is a plot against her. We are scheduled to close on a house later in the week and she was saying, “I knew something would go wrong earlier in the week”. The implication being that this would louse up the plans to close.

It is interesting, if I had been in the same situation as she, if it had been my parent, there are two things of which I am pretty sure. The first one is that this thought would never even enter my mind. Of course she knows that this is not really a plot, but I would never even think that this was something going wrong before the closing, nor would I have any thought other than concern and sympathy for my parent. The other thing is, I would never even think that something such as this would prevent us from closing.

It is an interesting dynamic how different people react to the same situation. I used to be surprised how many marriages end in divorce, now the more I see the way different philosophies and approaches have to come together between both parties, I am amazed that more marriages do not end in divorce. (Do not read anything into that statement. I am in no way suggesting my wife and I are considering or would be better off divorced, only that it is a constant compromise when parents are involved.)

Fortunately, it looks like things are not too bad for my mother-in-law. Hopefully she will listen to the doctors and do what she needs to do. Hopefully my wife and her mom will get along through all this so we can do our best in helping with her recovery (and make sure it is all systems go with the closing).

Unusually Happy

2007-08-12T20:33:00.001-07:00

My son and I made it over to Grandma’s place around 10 this morning. If you read yesterday’s entry you know that my son initially talked about being over there by 9am, but I knew that was not going to happen. Truth is, I was pretty impressed that we made it by ten.

We spent about an hour and a half in the water. While Grandma did not come in, she came down with us and seemed to enjoy watching him. While we were in the water, my son said to me that “Grandma seems unusually happy today”. I am not sure that she did but certainly she was happy. Even though she did not come into the water, even though a good portion of the visit was spent where she was not able to talk with him (since he was in the water and she was not), he still put her in a good mood.

Following the water my son performed some of the magic tricks he learned at camp for her. She did not quite understand what he was trying to accomplish with each trick, but still enjoyed watching him “perform”.

After this, we were invited to stay there for lunch. The problem is while Grandma may enjoy have my son there, with most of the residents of the assisted living place eating at the same time, it is not good for a nine-year-old to be eating there. Not only is the food not the best for a kid, or child friendly, but the environment is not the best either. While everyone there says they would love it, and while it is good for people to see him, if he is up and walking around, and just doing some of the things a nine year old does, most of the residents and staff do not appreciate it (I speak from experience).

The game plan according to my son was that I should take him home for lunch and then he wanted to go back later that day. I was not surprised when he changed his mind. Still, we did spend time with Grandma and it seemed to accomplish what it needed to do.

An Early Visit

2007-08-11T19:09:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday my son and I did not make it over to Grandma’s house as my son decided he did not want to visit her. Tomorrow we are attending a work picnic for my wife in the afternoon but have decided that we will make a visit to Grandma earlier in the day. My son asked about visiting her from 9 until 3 Pm.

His thinking is he wants to go swimming there and the pool is open from 9 until 12 noon on Sunday. He also wants to have time to spend with his grandmother and since we want to leave for the picnic around 3:15, he figured we could stay until shortly before it was time to leave for the picnic (giving us time to get back here and pick up mom, my wife).

The thought is very nice, but I will not go for that. First off, there is no way he will be ready to leave here before 9 AM and even if he is, he will change his mind, wanting to watch television, or play on the computer.

In addition, as much as he loves his grandmother and his grandmother loves him, unless he is watching television at her place (and paying no attention to her) or playing on the computer at here place (and paying no attention to her), there is no way they will be able to find something to do with each other for three hours.

Still, as long as we get over there and we have some time to spend with her and she has time to spend with her grandson, I will be happy.

Lose-Lose

2007-08-10T06:35:00.000-07:00

We are all familiar with the a win-win situation. This is the ideal when it comes to compromise. Everyone walks away happy and gets something needed out of the deal. After this, there is the win-lose situation, where only one person walks away happy. At least, however, somebody wins. Then there is the lose-lose situation, where nobody is happy and the decided upon course of action satisfied no one. Unfortunately in watching my wife and mother-in-law, it often turns into a lose-lose situation.

Recently a doctor of my mother-in-law wanted her to go for a certain test. It was requested that someone go with her to assist her, and to give the doctor a better idea of the entire situation (Even if my mother-in-law knows the history, and often she does, if you ask her, often times she will not give an accurate description). Since the assisted living facility where her mom stays will only transport people (if arrangements are made far enough in advance), they called my wife.

My wife was not thrilled having to take her mom to this appointment. It is in the middle of the day (the only day that week when she could have gotten some sleep), and it forces her to spend time with her mom in a doctor’s office, which she hates. (Her mom can become loud, and scream at her, and according to my wife, at times even slap her in front of others, so you can understand why she does not want to do it).

When my wife called her mom to tell her about this, her mom hit the roof wanting to know why someone had to go with her. Simply telling her it was what the doctor said was not goo enough. Certainly her mom does not want my wife (her only daughter, and the only one of her two children that lives in the area) to take her. My mother-in-law started screaming. I have offered my wife that I could take her but she (correctly) feels, if there is certain information needed about family history, she is much better equipped than I to answer them.

Honestly, I am not even sure if my mother-in-law will be going to the appointment (and it was one she wanted due to the discomfort of her foot). This, as far as I am concerned, is the classic definition, or example, of a lose-lose situation.

With A Smile

2007-08-08T12:44:00.001-07:00

Growing up, my mother always said, if you are going to do something, do it without complaining, do it without regret, do it with a smile on your face. I have tried to follow this advice. If I go travelling, while there maybe some frustrating parts, I focus on the positives and let people know I am glad I went. If I am giving a present, I do not stop to think how I would rather have the money for myself to spend I something I need; I give it with joy. Unfortunately I cannot say the same is true of my wife.

When we went to Hawaii and boarded the plane only to be asked to leave because the play was not safe to fly, that was what I heard about for most of the time we were there. If we got out somewhere and our son has a meltdown, she will focus on that instead of the enjoyable time we had away. The same can be true about how she helps her mother.

As I have stated before, my wife does a lot to help her mother, there is no question. My wife works nights, takes care of her mothers needs during the day and basically does without sleep or taking care of her needs. Still, every time she has to do something for her mother, I hear her complain. I can’t tell you the amount of times she has uttered something like, “Great, the one day that I had to sleep and now I have to do this”.

The latest such event was when my wife learned she had to take her mother to the doctor tomorrow. Sure enough I heard how this was the one day where she could have caught up on her sleep (trust me, if this hadn’t come up, something else would have. Either her mom would have had a need for something, in my wife’s mind her mom would have had a need for something, or she would have found something she needed to do for her self).

Again, I think she is a wonderful person for doing all this for her mom. A lot of other people would not (especially considering they never had the best relationship anyway). I know her mom can be difficult and does not always appreciate all her daughter does. Still, as my mom used to say, if you are going to do something, do it with a smile. I would like to see my wife do some of the things she does for her mom without complaining. My wife does not even realize how that can come across and how it can help lead to further tension between her and her mom.

Hopefully, one day they will both appreciate each other before it is too late.

A Magic Show

2007-08-07T09:11:00.001-07:00

My son is doing a week of magic camp this week. While he has only been to one session so far (Today is his second but he is still there and I have not yet talked with him about it today, so I am only counting the first day), he really seems to enjoy this camp. He is already talking about going back next year. The leader of the camp, the magician, has told the kids that a lot of these tricks are not ones that professional magicians do, but since the children have to be between six and twelve, what he is teaching them is age appropriate.

One of the things they do is put on a show for the parents on the last day of camp. I certainly plan on being there and think I should be able to get there. I know my wife is there. I would love to ask her mom to join us as well. I think my son would be thrilled to have Grandma in the audience.

I can already hear the discussion when I bring it up to my wife. She will tell me there will be a lot of people there and her mom does not do well in crowds. She will tell me it is outdoors and she has concerns about her mother being outside for so long. She will tell me her mom can be uncouth at times (this is true) and if she feels her grandson (or any one of the kids) is not covering up the trick well enough, she will point it out.

I think the last one could be true. Her mom, when it comes to crowds, is hit-or-miss. I think since this will be outdoors, it won’t be nearly as crowded, or seem that way, as it would if it were inside. I think it would be good for her to get out and see this. We moved my mother-in-law here so she could be closer to family. Let’s find a way she can take advantage of being closer to family. I will even tell my wife that if it gets to be too much for her mom, I will bring her back.

I think I may actually be able to pull this one off. I think something like attending the magic show will do more good than any medication will. I expect to be able to say, “And a good time was had by all”. I will let you know.

Arthritis

2007-08-06T09:16:00.001-07:00

The diagnosis is arthritis. That apparently is what has been causing my mother-in-law some pain in her foot, the pain she was complaining about. Now, the question is what will she do about it. She is refusing to take any pain medication, she is refusing to wear new shoes, and she is saying she is not even convinced it is arthritis.

Hopefully she will meet with the doctor and he will convince her that is what is wrong. Hopefully she will do what he says she needs to do. If there is some kind of medication he can prescribe, that will do the trick, great. If pain killers are the way to go and a couple of Tylenol or Advil can do the trick, wonderful.

What is most important here is that my mother-in-law be willing to listen to the doctor. I hope they can do something for her but more importantly, I hope she can, and is willing, to do something for herself. That is what is most important. Often times people refuse to help themselves. Certainly that has been the case with my wife’s mother.

I honestly do not understand. If there is something that can help you feel better. If there is something for you to do so you can enjoy yourself, why refuse. It is almost as if she is choosing to be a martyr and that is frustrating.

Fighting Through My Son

2007-08-05T15:31:00.000-07:00

I think one of the most frustrating things I deal with is watching my wife fight battles with her mother, through out son. I find this very annoying.

“You know, when I was a little girl, Grandma did not give me all the choices I give you,” is a fairly common phrase to hear her utter. She might, upon giving him a present he has asked for, tell him that when she was his age, she wanted a particular present (maybe even the one that he just got) and grandma never got it for her.

I realize that this, in and of itself, does not relate to a child needing to take care of a parent, and yet it relates in so many different ways. First off, if my wife is still fighting these battles, still having these feelings, it makes it more difficult for her to be completely objective when dealing with issues surrounding her mother. In addition, it helps to create tension between my son and his grandmother. Fortunately he handles this pretty well, however, it also allows “Grandma” to actually have more control over my son than my wife would like. It is not uncommon for a grandparent to say “yes” when a parent says “no”, under the most “normal” of circumstances. Now, my son knowing he can get grandma’s approval when my wife, at his age, could not get away with the same things, plays it up.

On top of this, my wife sometimes does to our son, the same things her mom did to her For instances, my wife has complained that her bedtime was ridiculously early when growing up. Still, every time our son has trouble getting out of bed, she suggests that maybe his bedtime should be earlier (and it is already on the early side. I’m trying to make it a little later so he will have more time to get his school work done.)

I have tried to gently point out to my wife that she fights battles with her mom through our son and that some of the things she objected to about her mom are exactly the same things she does (That one is real dangerous to bring uo). Others, people who are professionals in this field as well as non-professionals, have also tried to point out to her what she does.

My wife has, in fairness, gotten better, but she still has a long way to go.

Oh well, why can’t everyone be the “perfect parent”, just like I am-lol.

New Shoes

2007-08-04T20:09:00.001-07:00

Apparently my mother-in-law needs a new pair of shoes. I got home from work yesterday and listened to a message on the machine (my wife and son were out). The assisted living facility where my mother-in-law lives called and said something about checking for another pair of shoes and how they made arrangements to bring some x-ray equipment to the facility so they could take some x-rays of her.

My mind immediately jumped to all the negative situations. I thought she probably fell, and they thought it was because of her shoes. She probably refused to go to the hospital so they were going to check and see if she broke any bones by bringing the equipment to her. All sorts of conclusions jumped through my mind.

As it turn out, she was complaining that her foot hurt her and they were trying to check it out and see what could make it better. As it turns out, it appears to be arthritis. They are going to see what they can do to help make things better.

Kudos to the assisted living program. They did not have to bring the equipment to the facility. A lot of what they were willing to do were things beyond their responsibility, yet they did it. They were probably able to do more than my wife.

When my wife called to see what she could do, her mother told her to stop aggravating her. “Mom, I am not yelling or screaming, I am just talking to you,” was my wife’s response.

“Well then, do not talk to me,” was my mother-in-law’s response.

Watching the two of them interact is frustrating, on a good day, maybe amusing, but unfortunately they both have to learn how to relate to the other better. This would make life a lot easier for everyone involved.

A Useful Tool

2007-08-03T09:04:00.001-07:00

This is a paid post, sponsored by Video Conference

I have seen with my mother-in-law, how difficult it can be when a child is caring for a parent. As I have mentioned previously, it can be even more complex when more than one sibling is involved, especially if the children live in different states, or are hundreds of miles (or more) apart. If my wife is meeting with her mother's lawyer, the ideal situation might be for her brother to be at that meeting, but that is not very realistic. Now, with video conference, it might be easier than you think. It appears as though it is worth checking out.

One of the nice things about this program is, only one individual needs to be running the program, so if I have the video conference technology set up on my computer, other people that I allow or invite can be at the conference or webinar. If there is a document the lawyer needs everyone to see, the lawyer simply open it on his or her computer and all parties can see it. By checking out the site, it does become difficult to find out exactly how much this costs, as there are different versions, ranging from personal use to the private branded version. The private branded version can cost around $15,000 but for individual use, with five people at a time allowed to be on the call (who those five people are can vary from one conference to the next), can be purchased for under $30 a month (and if I understood this correctly, you do not need to sign a contract for a certain number of months, so you can run it for a certain number of months and stop it at any time).

Video conference does provide a free trail for the personal version. I have not downloaded this myself, so I cannot tell you how long it last and what limitations it includes). It also has a live demonstration option, and this I did take advantage of. A little box with the picture of the person I was talking to appeared on my screen. I was able to hear him through the speakers on my computer and he could hear me through the computer's microphone. He opened up different documents on his computer that I could see and he answered my questions. Purchasing the program includes an hour to an hour-and-a-half training. He did end the conversation asking when he could follow-up with me and I did need to enter my name, phone number and e-mail address before I could take advantage of the live demo (so if you want to remain anonymous or not get calls asking you to purchase the product, you might not want to run this). Still, for those who have various needs, including parenting our parents, it may just be very helpful in dealing with certain situations.

If you have any knowledge or experience with this, let me know what you think.

Shape Yahoo! in your own image. Join our Network Research Panel today!

So Far, So Good

2007-08-03T08:51:00.001-07:00

Just a quick update. My mother-in-law is still wearing her dentures, ans seems to be getting use to them, as her talking has become closer to what it was before wearing the dentures. She still is just eating the real soft food, like oatmeal. Hopefully she will soon get back to "regular" food. Still, so far, so good.

The Dentures

2007-08-01T11:17:00.001-07:00

Good News, my mother-in-law is wearing her dentures. The dentist trimmed them a little for her and she said they still did not feel comfortable. He told her she still needed to get used to them and after a few days, they would feel much better. He even told her that if she could not manage to wear them all the time, if she wore them for a few hours a day, it would help a lot (How come I did not think about that?)

After telling her this, the dentist got down on his hands and knees and literally begged her to wear them. I do not know if she will, but when she left the office, she was wearing them, and that is good news. I have long been a fan of doctor’s who understand the importance of a good bedside manner. In this case, it was important. Rather than getting angry at her for not wearing them and taking care of them (and yes, I have seen doctors and dentists do this), he showed compassion, affection and humor. I do not know if it will work but there is certainly a better chance it will work this way than by almost any other reaction he could have used.

Still, overall, she continues to be in a good mood, so if the dentures work, and she starts eating on a regular basis, I think things overall will be much smoother. Yeah!!

The Dentist

2007-07-31T14:12:00.000-07:00

So, how are things with my mother-in-law today? The answer is, I am not sure. She has been in a very good mood. She is being friendly and kind and it is enjoyable being around her. On the other hand, she is not wearing her new dentures because they hurt. I believe that they do, indeed, hurt, but the only way to get use to them is to wear them, even if it is a little at a time. Without her dentures, she does not have any teeth. Therein lies the problem.

Without the dentures, she is very limited in what she can eat. She is diabetic, so it is important that she eat on a regular basis. Earlier, her blood sugar was under 50. Again, she is in a good mood, but her blood sugar is dangerously low.

I am not quite sure what can be done. Certainly she should be able to find a liquid diet, or talk with a nutritionist or dentist in terms of foods she can eat. The best alternative, of course, is to put the dentures in and then be able to eat more.

As I said, I do understand the discomfort. I went through orthodontic work done, growing up. My wife never did, so I think she gets even more frustrated with her mom. My mother-in-law is seeing the dentist tomorrow, so hopefully he will be able to do something. Still, I think wearing them a little at a time is best. Let her try wearing them for half an hour in the morning, and one meal during the day and build up from there. The bottom line, however, is it does not matter what I think, it matters what she is willing to do. That, perhaps, is the most frustrating thing of all.

The Dentist

2007-07-31T14:10:00.000-07:00

So, how are things with my mother-in-law today? The answer is, I am not sure. She has been in a very good mood. She is being friendly and kind and it is enjoyable being around her. On the other hand, she is not wearing her new dentures because they hurt. I believe that they do, indeed, hurt, but the only way to get use to them is to wear them, even if it is a little at a time. Without her dentures, she does not have any teeth. Therein lies the problem.

Without the dentures, she is very limited in what she can eat. She is diabetic, so it is important that she eat on a regular basis. Earlier, her blood sugar was under 50. Again, she is in a good mood, but her blood sugar is dangerously low.

I am not quite sure what can be done. Certainly she should be able to find a liquid diet, or talk with a nutritionist or dentist in terms of foods she can eat. The best alternative, of course, is to put the dentures in and then be able to eat more.

As I said, I do understand the discomfort. I went through orthodontic work done, growing up. My wife never did, so I think she gets even more frustrated with her mom. She is seeing the dentist tomorrow and hopefully he will be able to do something. Still, I think wearing them a little at a time is best. Let her try wearing them for half an hour in the morning, and one meal during the day and build up from there. The bottom line, however, is it does not matter what I think, it matters what she is willing to do. That, perhaps, is the most frustrating thing of all.

Whose Money Is It

2007-07-30T10:40:00.000-07:00

It is amazing to me how two people who are married can see things so differently. Perhaps not amazing, but at times scary.

In a conversation with my mother-in-law yesterday, she made a comment about how expensive a particular service was that she needed. Basically it was a loud explicative that summed up her feelings. After looking over the bill a little more she said, “Oh well, it is only money, and yours at that,” implying that it would just reduce the amount of inheritance from her estate.

I told her that the money was there for her to have and enjoy life and use as necessary. I said that and I meant it although she suggested that living in an assisted living facility there was no way the money could be use to enjoy life. I feel sorry that she feels that way and disagree with her, but I have already posted about that. What I found intriguing was my wife’s reaction.

Upon telling her of her mom’s comments, my wife responded to me, “What does she mean, it’s not your inheritance, it is mine”. Of course, technically she is correct and I am not looking to “cash in” on anything. My wife certainly did not mean anything by this, but it still struck me as odd.

My father passed away about a year and a half ago. My mom had passed away a few years earlier. It took some time to settle the estate, and some things are still be sorted out. The money was split three ways, between me and my siblings (I would gladly give it back if it meant being able to spend some more time with either or both of my parents). During the whole process, I never considered this “My Money” or “My Inheritance,” even if technically it was. This was money coming to the entire family. Had either of my parents talked to my wife about “her inheritance” referring to money she would be getting after they passed away, I would not think twice about it.

The money, by the way, was used to get us out of debt (some each of us had incurred before we were married) and to purchase a house, one for the entire family. The money than was used for things from which we all benefited.

As I stated before, my wife certainly was not looking to start anything (and I did not take it that way or look to start something in return) and yes, she is correct, that is her inheritance. Still, that thought honestly would never have even entered my mind if the roles were reversed.

Bottom line remains, however, I hope my mother-in-law is able to enjoy that money as she is the one who should truly benefit from it.

Call Me A Worrier

2007-07-29T20:35:00.001-07:00

Well, I had a bit of a scare earlier today but fortunately it turned out to be nothing, or nothing more than my own paranoia. My son and I went to visit my mother-in-law earlier today. We went up to her apartment and knocked on the door but there was no answer. So, we went back downstairs and checked by the computer, at the movie and the few other spots where she will hang out, but we did not see her.

Back upstairs we went and we checked by her friend that is not feeling well. She had been visiting earlier in the day but was not there at this point. I went back to her door and knocked but no answer. I tried opening the door but it is locked. Now I know my mother-in-law usually keeps the door unlocked during the day, when she is in her apartment, so I figured she had left, but I had no idea where.

I went back down to check at the desk and see if they knew where she was. They checked the same places I had checked and came up with the same results. I called my wife to see if she had any ideas. She got in touch with the desk and asked them to open the door to her apartment so we could make sure she was okay.

At this point I was a little nervous. I did not think she was there but I could not find her elsewhere. Well, they unlocked the door and she was not there. That was a good sign, but I still had run out of ideas.

The assisted living facility is connected with an independent living facility and some of her friends said she sometimes liked to sit out front of that building. I have never seen her do this (and I see her at least every Sunday with my son) but I figured I would check. As we were walking down there, who should come walking down the hall but my mother-in-law.

She went to the gym and while she was there, they had a movie on the VCR that she got involved with. I know the gym is in the same location as the pool and the swimming pool closes early on Sunday’s so I did not check there since I figured both facilities would be closed. I was wrong.

I felt silly for getting so many people involved, but certainly felt better that she was okay. My mother-in-law felt bad that she was not easily found when we were looking for her and apologized. I teased her that she should not need to apologize for taking advantage of the programs they have to offer.

Fortunately everyone was fine. I even said to her, “You look good,” and she responded, “I feel good”. I do not know if that was just a Pavlovian reaction or if she meant it, but it was the first time I heard her say something like that in months, so that was a good thing. Despite the craziness, it was a good day.

Out And About

2007-07-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how it is so much easier to see things in other people than to see them in ourselves. For the past three weeks my mother-in-law has come out of her apartment very seldom (fortunately that is changing). When my wife told her that her friends were worried about her and wanted to know if she was okay, she did not believe my wife. Moreover, she did not believe she had friends at the assisted living facility where she is at. Acquaintances yes, friends no.

Now, unfortunately one of her friends is not feeling well and is refusing to come out of her apartment. I do not know what is wrong with this friend or how serious it is. I do know that my mother-in-law is concerned. I do know that my mother-in-law has called this woman “Her friend”. I do know that my mother-in-law plans on going over to this woman’s apartment to visit, and does not understand why she refuses to come out of her apartment.

It would be nice if this actually helped my mother-in-law realize that she needs to change her approach, that she needs to, or certainly should do the things she wants this woman to do. I do not really expect that to happen, however. It is so much easier to see things in other people than to see them in ourselves.

On the plus side, my mother-in-law did go on an outing a couple of days ago. There was a picnic in the park and she was one of the participants. Certainly it is good to see her starting to get out and about. I hope that whatever the ailment her friend has is nothing serious and that her friend is out and about very soon as well. I know that would be great for her friend, and I think it would be great for my mother-in-law as well.

Sibling Tension

2007-07-27T13:18:00.001-07:00

When caring for a parent, it is crucial to make sure that all family members are on the same page. Even if one member has sole power of attorney, or the right to make certain decisions, for the most part, there needs to be some agreement. The fact is, most of the time, we live with our siblings long after our parents are gone.

Before my mother-in-law moved here, into the assisted living home where she is at, she was living in a home, her home, at the other end of the state. My brother-in-law, my wife’s brother was closer to her and did a number of things for her. My wife, however, certainly was involved. She was in touch with her mom at least once a week, went down to see her and when there was a problem, she was there.

Since my mother-in-law has been her, her son has been inclined to let my wife handle things. He calls infrequently, he comes up to visit less than once a year, and pretty much stays out of things, despite my wife calling to let him know what is going on.

The problem, however, is he is not necessarily supportive of my wife’s decisions. He let his sister know that he felt she was wrong for not gifting out their mom’s money. Even if it meant going behind my mother-in-law’s back, my brother-in-law felt it should be done to protect her assets. My wife will not do that.

Still, what is most interesting is, he has not been involved, has let her handle things, he himself legally can do the same things my wife can do (and he did not), yet he can criticize. When parents are going through these types of situations, it is very difficult on everyone. The last thing that is needed is for siblings to be at each other’s throats. Decisions and agreements should be reached early on in the process and all siblings should work together.

An Aide

2007-07-26T11:41:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law had a recent hospital stay, after her one day stay I previously talked about. Things fortunately worked out, but for a while, they were ugly. Apparently my mother-in-law told one of the nurses that it hurt her to sit up. The nurse had indicated that it was important and my mother-in-law pushed her away.

The assisted living facility where she was at did not want to take her back after this. This was considered abuse, and it may have been. I did not see it, I do not know how hard she pushed, or what her frame of mind was, or the manner in which it was done, when it occurred. The bottom line was, it looked like she may have needed to be moved to a nursing home.

She stayed in the hospital for about a week when the hospital said there was no medical reason for her to stay any longer. The nursing homes in the area did not have any vacancies, so it was a question of what we would do.

The assisted living facility told my wife they would take her back but ONLY if she had an aide, 24 hours a day. Of course, this would have to be paid at her own expense. If you add the monthly cost of the assisted living facility to the cost of a full time aid, the monthly fees were astronomical. Still, this is what had to be done.

My mother-in-law was miserable. She did not like having an aide and did not want to admit she needed one. In fact, at the hospital, before everything was signed, my mother-in-law told the aide service she could do all the things herself and got up to show them how she walked. I was there when she did this and she looked good. If she had done it earlier in the week to show the hospital staff and showed the staff she was willing to work with them, I am convinced the assisted living program would not have required her to have an aide. Still, she made her bed, so to speak, and now needed to lie in it.

Fortunately the assisted living facility decided after a few days, three I believe, that she no longer needed to have the aide, that she could do all these things herself. She was thrilled to be rid of the aide. The important thing now is to keep her grounded in reality as to how much she hated having the aide so she does not revert back to the way she was, refusing to eat, refusing to come out of her apartment, and refusing to do things for herself.

I hope we are successful because that will make everyone’s life a little easier, especially her own.

Coming Outside

2007-07-25T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my wife took my son over to see his grandmother, and lo and behold, everything went well. Her mom seemed to be in good spirits and was glad to see her grandson. My son was happy to see ‘Grandma’ as well. Everyone seemed to enjoy each other’s company, and that does not always happen.

My mother-in-law is still very self-conscious since having all her teeth pulled. It hurts her to wear her dentures, so she doesn’t. Of course, if she does not wear them, she will not get use to them. If she does not wear them, she remains self-conscious. What tends to happen is, she does not wear them and then she will not come out of her apartment.

Yesterday when they were over there, my wife told her mom that her mom had a number of e-mails. My wife printed out instructions as to how her mother could access her e-mail account and then said, “Mom, why don’t you come downstairs with us and I’ll show you how.”

Much to my wife’s surprise, her mother agreed and the three of them headed down. As they got on the elevator, my wife realized she left the instructions back in the apartment and said, “You continue downstairs. I’ll go back and get them and show you how to check.”

Her mom told her not to and that she was not going to check her e-mail right now anyway. Still she said she would walk my wife and my son out. This is major progress as she was out of her apartment and downstairs where people socialize. I even think she is now planning on eating in the dinning room with everyone else. For some people that might not seem like much but for my mother-in-law, it is a major step.

Whining

2007-07-24T14:15:00.000-07:00

This morning my son was in a whining mood. I hate when he whines and this was one of those days where everything turned into a whine. “I don’t want to get out of bed! I don’t want to eat breakfast! I don’t want to go to camp! I am hungry, but I don’t want to eat breakfast!”

I know we have all had those days where we have to deal with the constant whining of children, or other people we come in contact with during our daily lives. It is very frustrating. Like most people, whining just seems to go right through me.

Perhaps the most difficult and annoying however, is when you have to listen to a parent whine. I do not like listening to my child whine, but I understand it. But, when I have to listen to my mother-in-law whine, it is much more difficult. What is even more annoying about her whining is, often times she has the power to change this.

Before she suffered the stroke, when she was living on her own, I remember thinking how she would often refuse to recognize the reality of a situation. She used to complain that my wife and I do not let her watch our son enough. I would point out all the times that she did watch him and how it was helpful, but she refused to see it.

This has not changed. She will whine about there being nothing to eat at her facility. I have eaten there with her. I often check the menu. The have a wonderful variety and they give the residents many choices, each day, at meal time. My mother-in-law will whine about there being nothing to do and yet the facility sponsored many trips. Most of them she will not go on. She does usually go to the casinos, when that is the trip. She seems to enjoy herself, but will still whine that there is nothing to do and that she did not have a good time when she went to the casino.

As I said, I don’t like the whining from my son, but it is semi-age appropriate. I do not like whining from Grandma either, and it is not age appropriate.

Visiting Grandma

2007-07-23T10:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I wanted to take my son over to see ‘Grandma’. My son is great with her. He enjoys seeing her and is perfectly willing to make a visit to her part of our Sunday routine. Things usually are better if I take him there than my wife. If she takes him to her mom’s, mom and grandma usually fight in front of him, and that is not good for anyone.

I called her yesterday after we were finished playing and wanted to come over for a few hours. She said she was not feeling well and did not want us to visit. While this has occurred at some times in the past, she truly enjoys seeing him and often cannot get enough time with him.

My wife thinks this was just grandma being depressed and not even caring about spending time with her grandson. I do not know if this is the case. She claimed she had a headache and was not up for company. My wife thinks it might have been better if we just went over there, and perhaps she is right, but at this point her mom seems to prefer it if we call first.

When my wife talked with her mom later in the day she said her mom did not sound too bad. Hopefully it is not a battle with depression that her mom is fighting right now. In fact, much to my surprise, my wife said after she picks up our son from camp she thought she might just take him over to see her. She indicated that she did not like that idea but thought it might be good for the two of them. I hope so.

I think what is important when caring for a parent is to make sure there are a number of visits and to get the whole family involved. As I stated above, just about every Sunday since my wife’s mother has been here, I have taken my son to see his grandmother. I wish there were more people here that could also visit. I truly think it would make a tremendous difference.

Important Papers

2007-07-22T20:22:00.000-07:00

Not that long ago my wife went in for some minor surgery on her foot. My wife made sure to have her cell phone, her mother’s living will and her health care proxy. My wife does not go anywhere without them.

Sometimes I wish she would turn her phone off so she could get some sleep, or at least some rest. My wife refuses saying, “what if the assisted living place where my mom is needs to get a hold of me”. I have always felt they could wait an hour if they do not get an answer, but my wife refuses.

When she went in for the operation, she gave me her phone. Guess what? It rang and it was the assisted living facility where my mother-in-law is at. The called to tell her that her mother was not eating. She had recently had some dental surgery and her mouth was sore. Still, it was important for the healing process that she eat. More importantly, as a diabetic, she needs to eat on a regular basis. She refused. Of course they were telling me all of this because my wife was having the surgery.

It is interesting, following the surgery, my wife, instead of just relaxing, called the facility to get the low down and then called her mother to tell her she needed to eat. My mother-in-law agreed to do so. Still, I do not think she did. She did not come out of her apartment and they kept checking on her. Well, tat evening, they found her lying face down on the floor. They called 9-1-1.

My mother-in-law said she had tripped and that was all. I am not sure what tests the hospital did, but they apparently accepted her mom’s version of the story. It may be true, but I think it is important that hospitals, and doctors’ offices for that matter, do a full check. I wish they had kept her longer and done further tests but they let her go.

I thought back to when she first suffered the stroke. After not getting it checked out for a week, they examined her and determined she had two strokes, one recently and one a few years earlier. My mother-in-law had been to doctors between that time. It still bothers me that no one picked up on the earlier stroke until this later one.

It is important for people who are caring for parents to make sure that they get to care for themselves as well. It is important for people who are caring for parents to make sure that the doctors and hospitals do a full check on situations and it is important that people who are caring for parents have a copy of any important papers (such as a living will) close by. By doing this you will be helping everybody involved.

Explaining Bills

2007-07-21T21:02:00.001-07:00

When it comes to taking care of our parents, it is important to keep excellent records. I am very impressed when I watch my wife take care of her mother’s affairs. I still wish she would try and let her mom do some of the stuff, but the fact is my wife makes sure everything is done.

My wife is also excellent at letting her mother know everything she has done. There might be people in such a position who would take advantage of a parent; there might be people in a similar situation who would make decisions for the parents, even if it is not what the parent wants. Not my wife. There are times where she knows it would be in her mother’s best interest to make a certain choice, however if her mom wants to do something else, my wife will do it on her behalf. She may try to argue with her mother and tell her why another option may be a better choice, but she carries out her mother’s wishers.

Usually when my wife wants to go over things with her mother, her mom will say, “It doesn’t matter”. Her mom will sometimes ask, and then as my wife starts to explain, she’ll say “just do it”. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law will later accuse her daughter of not letting her know what is happening or where things stand.

As I stated earlier, however, she does keep excellent records, so anytime her mom wants to go back over things, my wife is ready. Again, I think that my wife could do certain things to give her mother some independence but when it comes to a matter of making sure things get done, and that they get done correctly, her mom is in good hands; my wife is excellent at that.

Depression

2007-07-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

I overheard a conversation this morning, between my wife and the assisted living facility where my mother-in-law is. Apparently it has been an issue because my mother-in-law has been depressed and basically has not been coming out of her apartment. She does have some food in her refrigerator and is eating something, although probably less than she should be.

They do keep an eye on her at the facility, but if depression is an issue, that for them is a concern. If she only stays inside, instead of socializing with the other residents there, that is also a concern. My wife made a comment to the case worker there that she expects them to kick her mom out by the end of the weekend and she is surprised they have not already done that.

I was surprised she said that, even if she felt that way. I learned from my parents that if you tell people something like this, they may, and often do, feel more comfortable doing it. If they through her out, my wife is the one who is going to have to find another place for her mother, and she really does not have time. I have offered to help but have basically been told to stay out of this. Of course, if I am living with people who are directly involved, I am involved, but that does not seem to get through to anyone.

I wish my mother-in-law would do something to help herself. She needs an antidepressant, but she will not take that “crazy nut medicine”. She needs to see a counselor but she will not go to that “crazy nut doctor”.

I wish my wife had a better grasp on how best to help with regard to this situation. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to the day to day decision and needing to keep on top of things, she is great. It is the little things, things like staying calm when talking with her mother, things like not telling a facility you are expecting them to kick out your mother, where she needs to get a better grasp.

Hopefully all will calm down, otherwise, this could be a very “interesting” weekend.

Don't Yell At Me

2007-07-19T14:37:00.000-07:00

Earlier today, I was talking with my wife on her cell phone. It was a bad connection and I was unable to hear her. I asked her, at one point, if she was still there, and she screamed back at me that she was. The scream, however, was not a scream to be heard, it was one of anger and frustration with me for not hearing her.

“Don’t yell at me,” I said. Then I stopped and thought how I frequently hear her say that to her mother. She will get frustrated with her mother, let her mother know it, and then I will hear her say, from my end of the conversation, “Mom Don’t yell at me!”

Of course, no one (well most people) wants to be yelled out. Still, I think there are ways to cut down on the arguments and prevent people from getting angry,

First off, my wife needs to become a little more patient. She gets frustrated if her mother forgets something. Her mom had a stroke, she has memory issues and there needs to be some understanding.

“But, my mom was always like this,” she will say.

As far as I am concerned, even if that is true, you still need to cut her some slack. This is a different time and there are reasons. My wife is not willing to do that. I recall, before the stroke, when my mother-in-law was thinking about getting a computer. A friend of hers told her, “Okay, now you need to get your daughter to show you how to use it.”

My mother-in-law responded that she did not want her daughter to teach her, she wanted her son-in-law. I tend to be much more patient than my wife and really wish just a little of it would rub off on her. It would actually make her life easier because it would improve the relationship she has with her mother.

My wife also frequently works an overnight shift. She will make the mistake of calling her mother shortly after she gets off work and gets home. She has been awake all night, she is tired and exhausted and this is the time she chooses to deal with her mother. I never understood it.

I think changing these couple of things would cut down on the amount of screaming her mom does and make things better for everyone. I could, of course be wrong, but it would still help her stay calm, and that would help me stay calm. The situation would improve for everyone.

Enjoy What's There

2007-07-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

I realize it is never easy to give up a certain amount of independence. I realize people often try to avoid admitting they cannot do things and they fight things all the way.

Having visited some assisted living home facilities, I know that they can be quite nice. They have a number of activities that take place, provide numerous socializing opportunities for the residents and really do what they can to make sure the residents enjoy living there.

In order to make this work, however, those people who live there have to be willing to take advantage of the programs. My mother-in-law refuses and often times just stays in her apartment. If you ask her what is taking place, she will tell you nothing, that there is nothing to do. The fact is, that is not true.

There are field trips to museums and sights in the area. Sometimes they go to casinos. They have meal outings. Sometimes they may just have a picnic outside the building, but they still do something a little different. These are all things that take place outside the facility. Inside, they try to have at least one movie a day, they have a number of games and eat their meals together. There is a swimming pool and an exercise room right at the facility.

The point is, there is plenty to do, yet when I ask my mother-in-law what she did, I usually get the same response that I do from my son when I asked him that question. The response is, “Nothing”. But even more frustrating than that is she will tell you there is nothing to do.

Yes, there are things that can be improved, but for the most part, it is a good facility. The people are concerned and caring. They provide many activities and programs for their residents.

If people need to be in such a facility, I can only hope they are willing to try some of the activities and allow themselves to enjoy it. They might be surprised.

"Gifting"

2007-07-17T09:32:00.001-07:00

I strongly recommend talking with an attorney before moving into an assisted living facility (or an independent living facility or nursing home). Meeting with such a person is only part of the battle, however. It is also important to listen and take advice.

When my mother-in-law moved into such a facility, she had to sell her house to pay for it. Her attorney told her that she should gift out the money, and could do a certain amount each year. By doing this, it would get the money out of her name, which would help in terms of taxes as well as getting assistance to pay monthly expenses.

I understand the difficulty people have in doing this, although I am not sure my wife does, and this has led to more conflict between my mother-in-law and my wife. By gifting out the money, you now need to ask in order to get it back, someone else is in charge of, at least part, of your money. That is not an easy thing for anyone to do and especially difficult for someone who kept the books for other people.

My mother-in-law refused to gift out the money. When taxes where done this past year, they hit worse than expected because of liquidating some of the IRA’s and not having gifted out any money. Now, understanding she has only limited funds available to pay for the assisted living program, that will only last her a few years, she was willing (or at least said she was) to gift out some money.

My wife was in touch with the attorney who recommended she do this years ago. Now we find out from this attorney that the laws when it comes to gifting have changed and it may not be the best option. What has not changed is they still look back three years to see what was in your name then but is not now, hence it would have been beneficial to do this shortly after she suffered her stroke because the money would have been out of her name for three years and when they look back, it would have been free and clear of the timeframe.

My wife has a meeting with the attorney to see what, if anything, can now be done. I realize it is difficult to make such decisions but it is much worse to let pride get in the way and stop you from being able to help yourself.

Pushing Each Others Buttons

2007-07-16T14:45:00.001-07:00

It is amazing how two people can be so close, yet so distant. When my mother-in-law suffered a stroke, my wife was running back and forth to check on her. She missed our son’s first day of Kindergarten, she missed time with him, but she took care of what needed to be taken care of and I was fine taking care of our son.

Following the stroke, her mom suffered anxiety issues and other problems and my wife was basically told by her mother’s doctor, that she needed to be moved into an assisted living home. My wife made the arrangements. She moved her mother to the area where we are living so her mom could see our son (her grandson) and so she could see her mom.

It would be wonderful if that were the end of the story, but it is not. My mother-in-law forgot before she moved up here that she admitted she could no longer live in a house and take care of herself without any assistance. While the woman has not suffered any more anxiety or panic attacks, she does not realize that the assisted living home is one of the reasons, because there is always someone around to deal with emergencies. My mother-in-law thinks she can do it all and does not need the facility.

My wife, on the other hand, does not realize she needs to give her mom some independence. My wife is great at taking care of things and keep meticulous records. Still, while she is happy to do it for her mom (my wife will say otherwise), she is doing it all. My mother-in-law needs to feel that she is still capable of doing some of this on her own, but my wife will not let her.

It is true that if my mother-in-law did some of this, things might get messed up a little, but my wife follows through on everything and checks bank information on the computer at least twice a day. The relationship between my wife and her mother has never been great. Yes, they love each other but I do not know if they like each other and they just know how to push each other’s buttons, either on purpose, or simply accidental.

It is very interesting, and at times frustrating, living this situation. I keep hoping eventually they will each learn how to deal appropriately with the other, how to understand each is just trying to help. I doubt that I will ever see that day, but I will continue to hope.

Seeing a Counselor

2007-07-15T18:52:00.001-07:00

Being the spouse of someone who is parenting a parent is not easy. It is, of course, difficult for my spouse, who has to do a number of things for her mother. It is difficult for my mother-in-law who does not want to lose her independence and does not want to admit she can no longer do the things she once did. The tension is very thick between the two of them.

What is often overlooked is the role it plays on other people in the family who are not involved in the day to day decisions. I am, to an extent, involved in the care she is getting as I bring my son, her grandson, over at least once a week and we spend time together. I hear my wife complain, I hear my mother-in-law complain and I am in the middle.

The fact is, there are a number of support groups for people who are affected by certain situation, even if they are not the ones who created them. For instance, growing up I remember hearing the commercials for Al-A-Non, this was for family and friends of people who were alcoholics. There are similar programs for families of people who are drug addicts. I do not know if there is a support group for family and friends of people in this situation, but there are options.

One can just talk with friends to voice frustration. One can blog, as I do, and look for other blogs just to be able to get their point across. One can look for support groups. One can also talk with a counselor. While the people directly involved may need a counselor more, family members and friends of people in this situation may find a counselor helpful.

I recently started seeing a counselor to discuss my frustrations. I am suffering, I think, from some mild anxiety issues and I wanted to get them under control before they get worse, or out of hand. As a result, I decided I needed to see someone to voice my frustrations. It certainly has helped and I would urge people in my situation to see someone. I would also urge the parties involved (in my case, my mother-in-law and my wife) to see someone as well. I think it would help them both tremendously. Still, I cannot control what they do and sometimes I better off not even making suggestions. I can, however, control what I do, and that is just what I’m doing.

Parenting Our Parents

2007-07-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

My father always told me that it is diffiuclt when the children need to become parents to their parents. The roles change and it is easy for no one. The parent is used to telling the child what should be done. Even as the child grows up and becomes an adult, the parent still often maintaints some control over their offspring.

It is not easy for the child either. The child is used to turning to the parent in times of trouble for help. The child looks to the parent for guidance. Often times, when children needs to parent their parents, the child has children of his or her own and not that much time to devote. It is a very difficult situation.

I guess both fortunately and unfortunately (because I would have loved to have spent more time with my parents), I never had to deal with this, directly anyways, since both my parents passed away before they were in that situation. My wife on the other hand has to play this role for her mother and her mother hates it and resents my wife for doing it. It is not easy. It is not easy for my wife, it is not easy for my mother-in-law, and as someone who is living in the middle of the situation, it is not easy for me.

This blog is designed to discuss such issues, to allow others who might be in similar situations to vent, and quite honestly to allow myself to vent as well. I think, and hope, it will be beneficial.