Thursday, August 30, 2007

House Painting And Visiting Grandma

You have read numerous comments on this blog about my son and how he relates to his grandmother. The power that he has to help people heal and his willingness, most times, to do so. Today it is my pleasure just to praise him for what he does.

As I mentioned previously, my wife and I bought a house earlier this month. We are in the process of moving things in and getting it setup but we are still living in the apartment. This means there is not much for him to do at the house (although I did bring over a small TV, a VCR and some tapes. My wife was at the house painting today and he did an EXCELLENT job staying out of the way (that is what my wife reported back to me since I was not there) and accepting the fact that this needed to get done (which meant spending less time with him).

When my wife finished priming they needed to give it some time to dry before painting. The two of them decided to visit Grandma at the rehab center. Here he was, cooped up all morning and now he has the opportunity to do something and he wants to visit Grandma. He was told they would go out to lunch afterwards but my wife had planned on doing that anyway since she knew it would be, or could be, frustrating for him to be at the house with little to do.

Yes, I can get frustrated with him at times but I am really very fortunate. Thank you to my wife for painting and my son for staying out of her way AND visiting Grandma.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Talking On The Phone

A few years ago, my son must have been four or five, my father bought him a present. My son called to thank Grandpa for the present. Instead of my dad saying, “Your Welcome,” this four or five year old got the lecture. My dad told him he was great at calling to say thank you when he got a present but when he (my dad) called and asked to speak to my son, my son would usually say he did not want to talk to Grandpa on the phone. My dad told him this did not cut it and he needed to talk not only when a present was sent but when some asked to speak to him as well.

“Dad,” I responded, “he is five years old. You are going to lecture a five year old about phone etiquette? When a child calls to say thank you, the only appropriate response is your welcome”. Well, my father certainly heard me on this and I give him credit because he always was willing to listen to such criticisms.

Now, a few years later, I wish my son would understand the power he has to make people feel better simply by talking to them on the phone. Grandma called today (my wife’s mother—the only living grandparent he has left). In rehab, she has her good days and her bad days. This is true out of rehab but when things are changed from the norm, it seems to be more difficult to cope. When my mother-in-law called, she wanted to talk to my son but he did not want to talk. While he is getting better and talking more often, I would like to see him do it more often as he had my mother-in-law in tears simply because he did not want to talk.

True, it is not his responsibility to keep her feeling happy or cheerful. Still, when something so simple can make a difference, I would hope most people, even a nine year old, would be willing to do it.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Bathroom Visit

My mother-in-law called my wife this evening to tell her she needed to use the bathroom. This sounded a little strange to me to as I only heard one half of the conversation (my wife’s end) but I got a pretty good idea of the other end of the conversation as well.

My wife asked her mother if she rang the bell for the nurse, so she could help her get out of bed and into the bathroom. Apparently my mother-in-law said the nurse had been in her room a little while earlier and when she told the nurse she needed to use the bathroom, the nurse told her she was too busy at that time to help.

My wife responded by asking her mother what she was supposed to do about the situation. “Mom, I’m 20 minutes away. What do you want me to do about it?” I do not know that I would have responded this way, or put it quite so bluntly, but certainly she had a point. Still, I would hate to think that a nursing home would be unable to help a patient get to the bathroom.

My wife did call the nursing home after she got off the phone with her mom. (I wish she would have told her mother she was doing this so her mom understood that my wife was doing whatever she could). My wife told the person who answered the phone what her mother said and then my wife added, “I don’t really think the nurse said that. Still, could you check.”

I would not have said that I did not believe the nurse said this, I would have waited to hear what the receptionist said first. Still, my wife did not ignore the situation and did what she could to fix it. I gave her a kiss on her forehead and told her she was a good daughter.

“If only my mom felt that way,” was my wife’s reply.

I personally think her mother does know that and appreciates what her daughter does. Still, she does not say it and since she suffered a stroke and is no longer capable of doing the things she once did, I think it is very difficult for my mother-in-law to accept the situation and that makes it seem even more like she does not appreciate what her daughter does.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Both GrandKids

My held my son’s birthday party this past weekend. My Brother-in-law, his wife and their daughter came to here to celebrate with the rest of my son’s friends. While they were here, we went to see Grandma. She had both her grandchildren, both her children (and both of her in-laws).

From everything I saw, she seemed to be doing great. She was receptive and friendly. She enjoyed seeing everyone, knew exactly what was going on and managed to do a nice job getting around. She is using a wheelchair and she was able to push herself. She also uses a walker to pivot from the bed into the chair. For years she has refused to use a walker, so it is a good thing that she is allowing herself to use it to help with the recovery process.

For me, however, the most important thing was just seeing how she responded to the grandchildren. She enjoyed having them with her, she introduced them around and had fun showing them off. She held conversations with them (sometimes she had trouble hearing them because she refuses to acknowledge she needs a hearing aid, but I think that is minor), and everything seemed to go as well, if not better, than I thought possible.

I do not know how long it stays like this or how long my wife will feel like everything is okay, but for now, I am just going to enjoy the fact that for at least one day, everything was great.

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Medications

I am hoping that things with my mother-in-law are getting better. My wife spoke with the nursing home where her mom is for rehab and it appears that they were giving her some medication that does nasty things to her. You would think in this day and age it would be easy to transfer records from one facility to another, but that is not the case. Still, after my wife spoke with them, they stopped giving her that med and it seems to have made a huge difference.

In addition, they are giving her a behavioral medication. My mother-in-law would never knowingly take such a medication but they told her it was for her blood pressure and she took it. My wife is thrilled. She has felt that her mother should have been taking behavioral medications and anti depressants for a long time, but she refuses and she knows what medication she gets. Now with the rehab stint, it can easily be passed off as a new medication.

It appears to be doing the trick. She seems much friendly, seems like she is actually enjoying life and she seems to know exactly what she is saying and what is going on. I do not know how long it will last but hopefully for awhile. I personally do not understand why she refuses to take a medication that makes her feel better, but that is for another time. Right now, while all is good with the world, or my mother-in-law anyway, I plan on taking advantage of the situation and doing what I can to have my son visit grandma more often.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Warning Signs

For the past few years my wife has been saying her mother is showing some signs of dementia. I have not given it much heed. Based on their relationship, and based on my experiences with her mother, I thought this was just something that my wife was imagining. Yes, there were issues and I thought some of them could be tied into the stroke her mom suffered, but I did not believe she had dementia.

Yesterday my wife gave her mother a call and her mom told her she was talking to her granddaughter (my niece, who lives about 250 miles away). While my niece and her parents (my wife’s brother and his wife) are scheduled to come up here this weekend, we were not aware of any plans for them to come in earlier. My wife asked to speak to her brother or her sister-in-law. Her mom told her that it was just her granddaughter that was there, that her parent’s dropped her off. My wife then asked to speak with her niece and was told to hold on.

At this point, my wife was thinking maybe she really was visiting, if her mom told her to hand on. Still it was her mom who got back on the phone saying the granddaughter did not feel like talking on the phone. My wife called the facility where her mom was staying and asked if anyone had come in to visit her that morning. She was told “No”. The person at the rehab center with which my wife spoke, however, told her that her mom was carrying on a conversation the night before with her parents, who were under the bed. My mother-in-law’s parents have been dead for 40 years.

I am hoping that maybe the facility gave my mother-in-law some kind of medication to which she had a reaction. There are certain medicines that do make my mother-in-law hallucinate. Still, at this point, I do not think the warning signs can be ignored. I think there have to be some test run to find out exactly what we are dealing with.

Unfortunately what my hopes are do not match what I now believe to be the reality of the situation.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Riot Act

It is amazing how fast a mood can change and how quickly that can change game plans. A couple of weeks ago my wife took our son over to see grandma, her mom. She was in the rehab facility and she seemed to reject him. My wife said, “Tell Grandma about Space Camp,” (The week long summer program he was attending that week) and Grandma said abruptly, “I don’t want to hear about it”.

My son loves spending time with his grandmother and for her, it is really the best medicine she can get. When she rejected him, he acknowledged that it was the situation and not him that caused this reaction. Still, he has less of a desire to see his grandmother.

Then, a couple of times since then when she has sounded pretty good, we had planned to take him over the next day. The problem is, her mood can change so fast, it is different from minute to minute, let alone day to day. On both occasions, she has called the next day in a bad mood and indicated she does not want him to come over. My son can be a handful at times, but with this he is so good and understanding. Still, it deprives him of time with her and her of time with him (which as I said would be wonderful medicine).

The other day my wife got a call from the facility where her mom is and they talked about a few things but one of the things the doctor recommended was not bringing over a relatively young child right now as her mood was not good.

Yesterday when my wife called her mom, she asked our son ahead of time (as she usually does) if he wanted to talk and he said that at the current time he was afraid to talk. My wife called and let her mom know she had to let other help her and needed to fix her attitude. She told her mom that her grandson was afraid to talk to her and that with the way she rejected him last time he was over, he did not want to come over to see her. She had her mother in tears and it seemed to get through. In fact, my son upon hearing this said it sounded like “Grandma is trying to fix her attitude,” and he did want to call her back before going to sleep. He did that and it seemed to make a difference. I just hope that the scare my wife but in to her mother remains and continues to help her fix her attitude.

For now it seems to be good but by the time I post thjs, let along by tomorrow, it could be completely different.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Pushing Others Away

My mother-in-law is on an emotional roller coaster, and she is taking the rest of us with her. She continues to be at a nursing home for rehab, but it is not where she wants to be. Some days when we talk to her, her spirits sound very good. Other times, they are low, but low to the point of being abusive to the people who work there and low to the point where she does not want me to bring my son to visit, and I do not think it is a good idea to bring him, even though a visit from her grandson would do her wonders.

Today my wife called and spoke with them and apparently her mom asked for some physical therapy but they said they could not give her any because the foot was fractured and not healed enough for it. Now I am really confused. If she is not able to get any therapy, why is she there? It seems if there is still a problem, she should be in the hospital where it can be monitored. Once it is healed enough for her to relearn how to use it, then move her for the physical therapy.

I know my wife was going to put in some calls to see what could be done. Still, it would be a lot easier and she would be a lot more willing if my mother-in-law were not so abusive. Sometimes the reason people do not come to visit, or to help her is, she pushes them away.

I do understand her frustration and the need for people not to let her push them away. Often times, we push people away the hardest when we need them the most. Even if we, the ones being pushed away, recognize it, it does not often mean we are able to accept it and continue coming back only to be pushed away again.

Hopefully this all works out soon.

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Get Me Out

My mother-in-law remains in the nursing home facility she is at for rehab. She still hates it and my wife remains impressed with the facility. Today I got a call from her and she told me she did not care what I needed to do but I had to call someone to get her out of there.

The fact that it was Sunday made this almost impossible. The fact that legally I cannot do anything and have no authority in this situation along with the fact that my wife would absolutely kill me if I went behind her back, completely prevented me from doing anything.

“Mom, legally I can’t do anything but tell me what the problem is so I can see if I can address them,” was my response. She told me the people there were nasty to her and that they were bringing her food she cannot eat. In terms of being nasty, I know my mother-in-law is not always an easy person to deal with. She may not even be aware of the things she is doing but if she is being mean, nasty and rude to them (my wife would add abusive but I do not know), they may be responding the same way or trying to avoid her as much as possible, which could lead to her not getting the treatment or quickness to which she feels entitled.

In terms of the food, she claims they are too fatty. I have seen her at her assisted living program object to the food being too fatty even when the cook has said he did not use any additional fat. There have been times where I thought the staff there could have been more patient with her but clearly she was wrong about the added fat.

The problem of course is, I do not think you can just ignore some claims like this. What if they are true. People have ignored individuals who have claimed rape or abuse at times only to regret doing so. People have ignored others who make threats about committing suicide only to regret doing so. I think this falls into the same category.

I did tell my wife and she did put some calls in to see what was going on. It looks like my mother-in-law may have exaggerated things but still I am glad my wife did some checking and will do some more tomorrow.

Friday, August 17, 2007

Perceptions

It is amazing how two people can be witness the same thing and have completely different perceptions. When my wife went to the rehab facility where her mother is, my wife was very impressed. All the paper work was done very quickly, everything was ready for her mom by the time she got there (even thought they did not have much notice) and they were attentive to her mom’s needs.

Her mother sees the situation very differently. First she feels she does not need physical therapy. If she is going to get it, she is not at the facility she wants. The assisted living facility has a rehab/nursing home affiliated with it and it is right next store to where she was. This is what she wanted, but they did not have any beds. In addition, her mom claims they are slow to assist her. She says on one day no one came in to give her any physical therapy, or to even check on her. She claims another time, when she needed to use the restroom, they did not respond until 45 minutes later. She is not happy where she is, although realistically, she probably would not be happy anywhere right now.

My wife is sometimes too quick to dismiss what her mother says. If her mom thinks no one checked on her, or that it took someone 45 minutes to respond to her call, it seems it should be worth checking into. On the other hand, there have been many times when she has said this before, and it just has not been the case.

I really believe her mother thinks what she says is the truth, even if it is not. I think that a call should be made to check on things. I have tried to gently suggest this but I really cannot get involved because what will happen is both sides will just end up getting angry at me and angrier at each other. All I will do is make the situation worse. My nature generally is to see what I can do to help fix the problem but when I know it will just make things worse, I TRY to stay out of it.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Paying For Rehab

My mother-in-law is out of the hospital. That is the good news, but now she is in rehab. She is not thrilled to be there and does not want to admit it is where she needs to be right now, but she is in the right place. My wife is going frustrated getting her set up there. Still, as usual, she is doing an excellent job.

What I found amazing was a piece of information she learned while getting her mom set up. Her mother only spent two days in the hospital. Apparently, in order for health insurance to cover the cost of rehab, you need to spend at least three days in the hospital. As a result, her mom will have to pay the complete cost for rehab, for however long she is there (and it will probably be about a month) as well as needing to pay for the assisted living facility where she resides since she will, most likely, be going back there after she finishes in rehab.

I think it is ridiculous that you need to have at least a three day hospital stay. The bone is no more or less fractured if she only spends one or two days in the hospital. The treatment does not change. Is there a way that an individual can ask the hospital to keep him or her for three day (an extra day) if need be? It just seems silly.

Of course, I understand the need to eliminate any kind of fraud. I support that, but when these changes affect people who are playing by the rules, then I think changes need to be made. I do not know the answer, but the question does need to change.

Monday, August 13, 2007

It's Not A Plot Against You

My mother-in-law needed to go back to the hospital today. Yesterday she seemed fine but this morning her leg was bothering her and she was not able to put any pressure on it, let alone walk on it. She was taken to the hospital and it turns out that the bone is fractured. They will probably just put a cast on it and then it is physical therapy. All things considered, it is not too bad.

My wife is convinced this is a plot against her. We are scheduled to close on a house later in the week and she was saying, “I knew something would go wrong earlier in the week”. The implication being that this would louse up the plans to close.

It is interesting, if I had been in the same situation as she, if it had been my parent, there are two things of which I am pretty sure. The first one is that this thought would never even enter my mind. Of course she knows that this is not really a plot, but I would never even think that this was something going wrong before the closing, nor would I have any thought other than concern and sympathy for my parent. The other thing is, I would never even think that something such as this would prevent us from closing.

It is an interesting dynamic how different people react to the same situation. I used to be surprised how many marriages end in divorce, now the more I see the way different philosophies and approaches have to come together between both parties, I am amazed that more marriages do not end in divorce. (Do not read anything into that statement. I am in no way suggesting my wife and I are considering or would be better off divorced, only that it is a constant compromise when parents are involved.)

Fortunately, it looks like things are not too bad for my mother-in-law. Hopefully she will listen to the doctors and do what she needs to do. Hopefully my wife and her mom will get along through all this so we can do our best in helping with her recovery (and make sure it is all systems go with the closing).

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Unusually Happy

My son and I made it over to Grandma’s place around 10 this morning. If you read yesterday’s entry you know that my son initially talked about being over there by 9am, but I knew that was not going to happen. Truth is, I was pretty impressed that we made it by ten.

We spent about an hour and a half in the water. While Grandma did not come in, she came down with us and seemed to enjoy watching him. While we were in the water, my son said to me that “Grandma seems unusually happy today”. I am not sure that she did but certainly she was happy. Even though she did not come into the water, even though a good portion of the visit was spent where she was not able to talk with him (since he was in the water and she was not), he still put her in a good mood.

Following the water my son performed some of the magic tricks he learned at camp for her. She did not quite understand what he was trying to accomplish with each trick, but still enjoyed watching him “perform”.

After this, we were invited to stay there for lunch. The problem is while Grandma may enjoy have my son there, with most of the residents of the assisted living place eating at the same time, it is not good for a nine-year-old to be eating there. Not only is the food not the best for a kid, or child friendly, but the environment is not the best either. While everyone there says they would love it, and while it is good for people to see him, if he is up and walking around, and just doing some of the things a nine year old does, most of the residents and staff do not appreciate it (I speak from experience).

The game plan according to my son was that I should take him home for lunch and then he wanted to go back later that day. I was not surprised when he changed his mind. Still, we did spend time with Grandma and it seemed to accomplish what it needed to do.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

An Early Visit

Last Sunday my son and I did not make it over to Grandma’s house as my son decided he did not want to visit her. Tomorrow we are attending a work picnic for my wife in the afternoon but have decided that we will make a visit to Grandma earlier in the day. My son asked about visiting her from 9 until 3 Pm.

His thinking is he wants to go swimming there and the pool is open from 9 until 12 noon on Sunday. He also wants to have time to spend with his grandmother and since we want to leave for the picnic around 3:15, he figured we could stay until shortly before it was time to leave for the picnic (giving us time to get back here and pick up mom, my wife).

The thought is very nice, but I will not go for that. First off, there is no way he will be ready to leave here before 9 AM and even if he is, he will change his mind, wanting to watch television, or play on the computer.

In addition, as much as he loves his grandmother and his grandmother loves him, unless he is watching television at her place (and paying no attention to her) or playing on the computer at here place (and paying no attention to her), there is no way they will be able to find something to do with each other for three hours.

Still, as long as we get over there and we have some time to spend with her and she has time to spend with her grandson, I will be happy.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Lose-Lose

We are all familiar with the a win-win situation. This is the ideal when it comes to compromise. Everyone walks away happy and gets something needed out of the deal. After this, there is the win-lose situation, where only one person walks away happy. At least, however, somebody wins. Then there is the lose-lose situation, where nobody is happy and the decided upon course of action satisfied no one. Unfortunately in watching my wife and mother-in-law, it often turns into a lose-lose situation.

Recently a doctor of my mother-in-law wanted her to go for a certain test. It was requested that someone go with her to assist her, and to give the doctor a better idea of the entire situation (Even if my mother-in-law knows the history, and often she does, if you ask her, often times she will not give an accurate description). Since the assisted living facility where her mom stays will only transport people (if arrangements are made far enough in advance), they called my wife.

My wife was not thrilled having to take her mom to this appointment. It is in the middle of the day (the only day that week when she could have gotten some sleep), and it forces her to spend time with her mom in a doctor’s office, which she hates. (Her mom can become loud, and scream at her, and according to my wife, at times even slap her in front of others, so you can understand why she does not want to do it).

When my wife called her mom to tell her about this, her mom hit the roof wanting to know why someone had to go with her. Simply telling her it was what the doctor said was not goo enough. Certainly her mom does not want my wife (her only daughter, and the only one of her two children that lives in the area) to take her. My mother-in-law started screaming. I have offered my wife that I could take her but she (correctly) feels, if there is certain information needed about family history, she is much better equipped than I to answer them.

Honestly, I am not even sure if my mother-in-law will be going to the appointment (and it was one she wanted due to the discomfort of her foot). This, as far as I am concerned, is the classic definition, or example, of a lose-lose situation.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

With A Smile

Growing up, my mother always said, if you are going to do something, do it without complaining, do it without regret, do it with a smile on your face. I have tried to follow this advice. If I go travelling, while there maybe some frustrating parts, I focus on the positives and let people know I am glad I went. If I am giving a present, I do not stop to think how I would rather have the money for myself to spend I something I need; I give it with joy. Unfortunately I cannot say the same is true of my wife.

When we went to Hawaii and boarded the plane only to be asked to leave because the play was not safe to fly, that was what I heard about for most of the time we were there. If we got out somewhere and our son has a meltdown, she will focus on that instead of the enjoyable time we had away. The same can be true about how she helps her mother.

As I have stated before, my wife does a lot to help her mother, there is no question. My wife works nights, takes care of her mothers needs during the day and basically does without sleep or taking care of her needs. Still, every time she has to do something for her mother, I hear her complain. I can’t tell you the amount of times she has uttered something like, “Great, the one day that I had to sleep and now I have to do this”.

The latest such event was when my wife learned she had to take her mother to the doctor tomorrow. Sure enough I heard how this was the one day where she could have caught up on her sleep (trust me, if this hadn’t come up, something else would have. Either her mom would have had a need for something, in my wife’s mind her mom would have had a need for something, or she would have found something she needed to do for her self).

Again, I think she is a wonderful person for doing all this for her mom. A lot of other people would not (especially considering they never had the best relationship anyway). I know her mom can be difficult and does not always appreciate all her daughter does. Still, as my mom used to say, if you are going to do something, do it with a smile. I would like to see my wife do some of the things she does for her mom without complaining. My wife does not even realize how that can come across and how it can help lead to further tension between her and her mom.

Hopefully, one day they will both appreciate each other before it is too late.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

A Magic Show

My son is doing a week of magic camp this week. While he has only been to one session so far (Today is his second but he is still there and I have not yet talked with him about it today, so I am only counting the first day), he really seems to enjoy this camp. He is already talking about going back next year. The leader of the camp, the magician, has told the kids that a lot of these tricks are not ones that professional magicians do, but since the children have to be between six and twelve, what he is teaching them is age appropriate.

One of the things they do is put on a show for the parents on the last day of camp. I certainly plan on being there and think I should be able to get there. I know my wife is there. I would love to ask her mom to join us as well. I think my son would be thrilled to have Grandma in the audience.

I can already hear the discussion when I bring it up to my wife. She will tell me there will be a lot of people there and her mom does not do well in crowds. She will tell me it is outdoors and she has concerns about her mother being outside for so long. She will tell me her mom can be uncouth at times (this is true) and if she feels her grandson (or any one of the kids) is not covering up the trick well enough, she will point it out.

I think the last one could be true. Her mom, when it comes to crowds, is hit-or-miss. I think since this will be outdoors, it won’t be nearly as crowded, or seem that way, as it would if it were inside. I think it would be good for her to get out and see this. We moved my mother-in-law here so she could be closer to family. Let’s find a way she can take advantage of being closer to family. I will even tell my wife that if it gets to be too much for her mom, I will bring her back.

I think I may actually be able to pull this one off. I think something like attending the magic show will do more good than any medication will. I expect to be able to say, “And a good time was had by all”. I will let you know.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Arthritis

The diagnosis is arthritis. That apparently is what has been causing my mother-in-law some pain in her foot, the pain she was complaining about. Now, the question is what will she do about it. She is refusing to take any pain medication, she is refusing to wear new shoes, and she is saying she is not even convinced it is arthritis.

Hopefully she will meet with the doctor and he will convince her that is what is wrong. Hopefully she will do what he says she needs to do. If there is some kind of medication he can prescribe, that will do the trick, great. If pain killers are the way to go and a couple of Tylenol or Advil can do the trick, wonderful.

What is most important here is that my mother-in-law be willing to listen to the doctor. I hope they can do something for her but more importantly, I hope she can, and is willing, to do something for herself. That is what is most important. Often times people refuse to help themselves. Certainly that has been the case with my wife’s mother.

I honestly do not understand. If there is something that can help you feel better. If there is something for you to do so you can enjoy yourself, why refuse. It is almost as if she is choosing to be a martyr and that is frustrating.

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Fighting Through My Son

I think one of the most frustrating things I deal with is watching my wife fight battles with her mother, through out son. I find this very annoying.

“You know, when I was a little girl, Grandma did not give me all the choices I give you,” is a fairly common phrase to hear her utter. She might, upon giving him a present he has asked for, tell him that when she was his age, she wanted a particular present (maybe even the one that he just got) and grandma never got it for her.

I realize that this, in and of itself, does not relate to a child needing to take care of a parent, and yet it relates in so many different ways. First off, if my wife is still fighting these battles, still having these feelings, it makes it more difficult for her to be completely objective when dealing with issues surrounding her mother. In addition, it helps to create tension between my son and his grandmother. Fortunately he handles this pretty well, however, it also allows “Grandma” to actually have more control over my son than my wife would like. It is not uncommon for a grandparent to say “yes” when a parent says “no”, under the most “normal” of circumstances. Now, my son knowing he can get grandma’s approval when my wife, at his age, could not get away with the same things, plays it up.

On top of this, my wife sometimes does to our son, the same things her mom did to her For instances, my wife has complained that her bedtime was ridiculously early when growing up. Still, every time our son has trouble getting out of bed, she suggests that maybe his bedtime should be earlier (and it is already on the early side. I’m trying to make it a little later so he will have more time to get his school work done.)

I have tried to gently point out to my wife that she fights battles with her mom through our son and that some of the things she objected to about her mom are exactly the same things she does (That one is real dangerous to bring uo). Others, people who are professionals in this field as well as non-professionals, have also tried to point out to her what she does.

My wife has, in fairness, gotten better, but she still has a long way to go.

Oh well, why can’t everyone be the “perfect parent”, just like I am-lol.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

New Shoes

Apparently my mother-in-law needs a new pair of shoes. I got home from work yesterday and listened to a message on the machine (my wife and son were out). The assisted living facility where my mother-in-law lives called and said something about checking for another pair of shoes and how they made arrangements to bring some x-ray equipment to the facility so they could take some x-rays of her.

My mind immediately jumped to all the negative situations. I thought she probably fell, and they thought it was because of her shoes. She probably refused to go to the hospital so they were going to check and see if she broke any bones by bringing the equipment to her. All sorts of conclusions jumped through my mind.

As it turn out, she was complaining that her foot hurt her and they were trying to check it out and see what could make it better. As it turns out, it appears to be arthritis. They are going to see what they can do to help make things better.

Kudos to the assisted living program. They did not have to bring the equipment to the facility. A lot of what they were willing to do were things beyond their responsibility, yet they did it. They were probably able to do more than my wife.

When my wife called to see what she could do, her mother told her to stop aggravating her. “Mom, I am not yelling or screaming, I am just talking to you,” was my wife’s response.

“Well then, do not talk to me,” was my mother-in-law’s response.

Watching the two of them interact is frustrating, on a good day, maybe amusing, but unfortunately they both have to learn how to relate to the other better. This would make life a lot easier for everyone involved.

Friday, August 3, 2007

A Useful Tool

This is a paid post, sponsored by Video Conference
 
 
I have seen with my mother-in-law, how difficult it can be when a child is caring for a parent. As I have mentioned previously, it can be even more complex when more than one sibling is involved, especially if the children live in different states, or are hundreds of miles (or more) apart. If my wife is meeting with her mother's lawyer, the ideal situation might be for her brother to be at that meeting, but that is not very realistic. Now, with video conference, it might be easier than you think. It appears as though it is worth checking out.
 
One of the nice things about this program is, only one individual needs to be running the program, so if I have the video conference technology set up on my computer, other people that I allow or invite can be at the conference or webinar. If there is a document the lawyer needs everyone to see, the lawyer simply open it on his or her computer and all parties can see it. By checking out the site, it does become difficult to find out exactly how much this costs, as there are different versions, ranging from personal use to the private branded version. The private branded version can cost around $15,000 but for individual use, with five people at a time allowed to be on the call (who those five people are can vary from one conference to the next), can be purchased for under $30 a month (and if I understood this correctly, you do not need to sign a contract for a certain number of months, so you can run it for a certain number of months and stop it at any time).
 
Video conference does provide a free trail for the personal version. I have not downloaded this myself, so I cannot tell you how long it last and what limitations it includes). It also has a live demonstration option, and this I did take advantage of. A little box with the picture of the person I was talking to appeared on my screen. I was able to hear him through the speakers on my computer and he could hear me through the computer's microphone. He opened up different documents on his computer that I could see and he answered my questions. Purchasing the program includes an hour to an hour-and-a-half training. He did end the conversation asking when he could follow-up with me and I did need to enter my name, phone number and e-mail address before I could take advantage of the live demo (so if you want to remain anonymous or not get calls asking you to purchase the product, you might not want to run this). Still, for those who have various needs, including parenting our parents, it may just be very helpful in dealing with certain situations.
 
If you have any knowledge or experience with this, let me know what you think.


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So Far, So Good

Just a quick update. My mother-in-law is still wearing her dentures, ans seems to be getting use to them, as her talking has become closer to what it was before wearing the dentures. She still is just eating the real soft food, like oatmeal. Hopefully she will soon get back to "regular" food. Still, so far, so good.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

The Dentures

Good News, my mother-in-law is wearing her dentures. The dentist trimmed them a little for her and she said they still did not feel comfortable. He told her she still needed to get used to them and after a few days, they would feel much better. He even told her that if she could not manage to wear them all the time, if she wore them for a few hours a day, it would help a lot (How come I did not think about that?)

After telling her this, the dentist got down on his hands and knees and literally begged her to wear them. I do not know if she will, but when she left the office, she was wearing them, and that is good news. I have long been a fan of doctor’s who understand the importance of a good bedside manner. In this case, it was important. Rather than getting angry at her for not wearing them and taking care of them (and yes, I have seen doctors and dentists do this), he showed compassion, affection and humor. I do not know if it will work but there is certainly a better chance it will work this way than by almost any other reaction he could have used.

Still, overall, she continues to be in a good mood, so if the dentures work, and she starts eating on a regular basis, I think things overall will be much smoother. Yeah!!