The Dentist

So, how are things with my mother-in-law today? The answer is, I am not sure. She has been in a very good mood. She is being friendly and kind and it is enjoyable being around her. On the other hand, she is not wearing her new dentures because they hurt. I believe that they do, indeed, hurt, but the only way to get use to them is to wear them, even if it is a little at a time. Without her dentures, she does not have any teeth. Therein lies the problem.

Without the dentures, she is very limited in what she can eat. She is diabetic, so it is important that she eat on a regular basis. Earlier, her blood sugar was under 50. Again, she is in a good mood, but her blood sugar is dangerously low.

I am not quite sure what can be done. Certainly she should be able to find a liquid diet, or talk with a nutritionist or dentist in terms of foods she can eat. The best alternative, of course, is to put the dentures in and then be able to eat more.

As I said, I do understand the discomfort. I went through orthodontic work done, growing up. My wife never did, so I think she gets even more frustrated with her mom. My mother-in-law is seeing the dentist tomorrow, so hopefully he will be able to do something. Still, I think wearing them a little at a time is best. Let her try wearing them for half an hour in the morning, and one meal during the day and build up from there. The bottom line, however, is it does not matter what I think, it matters what she is willing to do. That, perhaps, is the most frustrating thing of all.

The Dentist

So, how are things with my mother-in-law today? The answer is, I am not sure. She has been in a very good mood. She is being friendly and kind and it is enjoyable being around her. On the other hand, she is not wearing her new dentures because they hurt. I believe that they do, indeed, hurt, but the only way to get use to them is to wear them, even if it is a little at a time. Without her dentures, she does not have any teeth. Therein lies the problem.

Without the dentures, she is very limited in what she can eat. She is diabetic, so it is important that she eat on a regular basis. Earlier, her blood sugar was under 50. Again, she is in a good mood, but her blood sugar is dangerously low.

I am not quite sure what can be done. Certainly she should be able to find a liquid diet, or talk with a nutritionist or dentist in terms of foods she can eat. The best alternative, of course, is to put the dentures in and then be able to eat more.

As I said, I do understand the discomfort. I went through orthodontic work done, growing up. My wife never did, so I think she gets even more frustrated with her mom. She is seeing the dentist tomorrow and hopefully he will be able to do something. Still, I think wearing them a little at a time is best. Let her try wearing them for half an hour in the morning, and one meal during the day and build up from there. The bottom line, however, is it does not matter what I think, it matters what she is willing to do. That, perhaps, is the most frustrating thing of all.

Whose Money Is It

It is amazing to me how two people who are married can see things so differently. Perhaps not amazing, but at times scary.

In a conversation with my mother-in-law yesterday, she made a comment about how expensive a particular service was that she needed. Basically it was a loud explicative that summed up her feelings. After looking over the bill a little more she said, “Oh well, it is only money, and yours at that,” implying that it would just reduce the amount of inheritance from her estate.

I told her that the money was there for her to have and enjoy life and use as necessary. I said that and I meant it although she suggested that living in an assisted living facility there was no way the money could be use to enjoy life. I feel sorry that she feels that way and disagree with her, but I have already posted about that. What I found intriguing was my wife’s reaction.

Upon telling her of her mom’s comments, my wife responded to me, “What does she mean, it’s not your inheritance, it is mine”. Of course, technically she is correct and I am not looking to “cash in” on anything. My wife certainly did not mean anything by this, but it still struck me as odd.

My father passed away about a year and a half ago. My mom had passed away a few years earlier. It took some time to settle the estate, and some things are still be sorted out. The money was split three ways, between me and my siblings (I would gladly give it back if it meant being able to spend some more time with either or both of my parents). During the whole process, I never considered this “My Money” or “My Inheritance,” even if technically it was. This was money coming to the entire family. Had either of my parents talked to my wife about “her inheritance” referring to money she would be getting after they passed away, I would not think twice about it.

The money, by the way, was used to get us out of debt (some each of us had incurred before we were married) and to purchase a house, one for the entire family. The money than was used for things from which we all benefited.

As I stated before, my wife certainly was not looking to start anything (and I did not take it that way or look to start something in return) and yes, she is correct, that is her inheritance. Still, that thought honestly would never have even entered my mind if the roles were reversed.

Bottom line remains, however, I hope my mother-in-law is able to enjoy that money as she is the one who should truly benefit from it.

Call Me A Worrier

Well, I had a bit of a scare earlier today but fortunately it turned out to be nothing, or nothing more than my own paranoia. My son and I went to visit my mother-in-law earlier today. We went up to her apartment and knocked on the door but there was no answer. So, we went back downstairs and checked by the computer, at the movie and the few other spots where she will hang out, but we did not see her.

Back upstairs we went and we checked by her friend that is not feeling well. She had been visiting earlier in the day but was not there at this point. I went back to her door and knocked but no answer. I tried opening the door but it is locked. Now I know my mother-in-law usually keeps the door unlocked during the day, when she is in her apartment, so I figured she had left, but I had no idea where.

I went back down to check at the desk and see if they knew where she was. They checked the same places I had checked and came up with the same results. I called my wife to see if she had any ideas. She got in touch with the desk and asked them to open the door to her apartment so we could make sure she was okay.

At this point I was a little nervous. I did not think she was there but I could not find her elsewhere. Well, they unlocked the door and she was not there. That was a good sign, but I still had run out of ideas.

The assisted living facility is connected with an independent living facility and some of her friends said she sometimes liked to sit out front of that building. I have never seen her do this (and I see her at least every Sunday with my son) but I figured I would check. As we were walking down there, who should come walking down the hall but my mother-in-law.

She went to the gym and while she was there, they had a movie on the VCR that she got involved with. I know the gym is in the same location as the pool and the swimming pool closes early on Sunday’s so I did not check there since I figured both facilities would be closed. I was wrong.

I felt silly for getting so many people involved, but certainly felt better that she was okay. My mother-in-law felt bad that she was not easily found when we were looking for her and apologized. I teased her that she should not need to apologize for taking advantage of the programs they have to offer.

Fortunately everyone was fine. I even said to her, “You look good,” and she responded, “I feel good”. I do not know if that was just a Pavlovian reaction or if she meant it, but it was the first time I heard her say something like that in months, so that was a good thing. Despite the craziness, it was a good day.

Out And About

It is amazing how it is so much easier to see things in other people than to see them in ourselves. For the past three weeks my mother-in-law has come out of her apartment very seldom (fortunately that is changing). When my wife told her that her friends were worried about her and wanted to know if she was okay, she did not believe my wife. Moreover, she did not believe she had friends at the assisted living facility where she is at. Acquaintances yes, friends no.

Now, unfortunately one of her friends is not feeling well and is refusing to come out of her apartment. I do not know what is wrong with this friend or how serious it is. I do know that my mother-in-law is concerned. I do know that my mother-in-law has called this woman “Her friend”. I do know that my mother-in-law plans on going over to this woman’s apartment to visit, and does not understand why she refuses to come out of her apartment.

It would be nice if this actually helped my mother-in-law realize that she needs to change her approach, that she needs to, or certainly should do the things she wants this woman to do. I do not really expect that to happen, however. It is so much easier to see things in other people than to see them in ourselves.

On the plus side, my mother-in-law did go on an outing a couple of days ago. There was a picnic in the park and she was one of the participants. Certainly it is good to see her starting to get out and about. I hope that whatever the ailment her friend has is nothing serious and that her friend is out and about very soon as well. I know that would be great for her friend, and I think it would be great for my mother-in-law as well.

Sibling Tension

When caring for a parent, it is crucial to make sure that all family members are on the same page. Even if one member has sole power of attorney, or the right to make certain decisions, for the most part, there needs to be some agreement. The fact is, most of the time, we live with our siblings long after our parents are gone.

Before my mother-in-law moved here, into the assisted living home where she is at, she was living in a home, her home, at the other end of the state. My brother-in-law, my wife’s brother was closer to her and did a number of things for her. My wife, however, certainly was involved. She was in touch with her mom at least once a week, went down to see her and when there was a problem, she was there.

Since my mother-in-law has been her, her son has been inclined to let my wife handle things. He calls infrequently, he comes up to visit less than once a year, and pretty much stays out of things, despite my wife calling to let him know what is going on.

The problem, however, is he is not necessarily supportive of my wife’s decisions. He let his sister know that he felt she was wrong for not gifting out their mom’s money. Even if it meant going behind my mother-in-law’s back, my brother-in-law felt it should be done to protect her assets. My wife will not do that.

Still, what is most interesting is, he has not been involved, has let her handle things, he himself legally can do the same things my wife can do (and he did not), yet he can criticize. When parents are going through these types of situations, it is very difficult on everyone. The last thing that is needed is for siblings to be at each other’s throats. Decisions and agreements should be reached early on in the process and all siblings should work together.

An Aide

My mother-in-law had a recent hospital stay, after her one day stay I previously talked about. Things fortunately worked out, but for a while, they were ugly. Apparently my mother-in-law told one of the nurses that it hurt her to sit up. The nurse had indicated that it was important and my mother-in-law pushed her away.

The assisted living facility where she was at did not want to take her back after this. This was considered abuse, and it may have been. I did not see it, I do not know how hard she pushed, or what her frame of mind was, or the manner in which it was done, when it occurred. The bottom line was, it looked like she may have needed to be moved to a nursing home.

She stayed in the hospital for about a week when the hospital said there was no medical reason for her to stay any longer. The nursing homes in the area did not have any vacancies, so it was a question of what we would do.

The assisted living facility told my wife they would take her back but ONLY if she had an aide, 24 hours a day. Of course, this would have to be paid at her own expense. If you add the monthly cost of the assisted living facility to the cost of a full time aid, the monthly fees were astronomical. Still, this is what had to be done.

My mother-in-law was miserable. She did not like having an aide and did not want to admit she needed one. In fact, at the hospital, before everything was signed, my mother-in-law told the aide service she could do all the things herself and got up to show them how she walked. I was there when she did this and she looked good. If she had done it earlier in the week to show the hospital staff and showed the staff she was willing to work with them, I am convinced the assisted living program would not have required her to have an aide. Still, she made her bed, so to speak, and now needed to lie in it.

Fortunately the assisted living facility decided after a few days, three I believe, that she no longer needed to have the aide, that she could do all these things herself. She was thrilled to be rid of the aide. The important thing now is to keep her grounded in reality as to how much she hated having the aide so she does not revert back to the way she was, refusing to eat, refusing to come out of her apartment, and refusing to do things for herself.

I hope we are successful because that will make everyone’s life a little easier, especially her own.

Coming Outside

Yesterday my wife took my son over to see his grandmother, and lo and behold, everything went well. Her mom seemed to be in good spirits and was glad to see her grandson. My son was happy to see ‘Grandma’ as well. Everyone seemed to enjoy each other’s company, and that does not always happen.

My mother-in-law is still very self-conscious since having all her teeth pulled. It hurts her to wear her dentures, so she doesn’t. Of course, if she does not wear them, she will not get use to them. If she does not wear them, she remains self-conscious. What tends to happen is, she does not wear them and then she will not come out of her apartment.

Yesterday when they were over there, my wife told her mom that her mom had a number of e-mails. My wife printed out instructions as to how her mother could access her e-mail account and then said, “Mom, why don’t you come downstairs with us and I’ll show you how.”

Much to my wife’s surprise, her mother agreed and the three of them headed down. As they got on the elevator, my wife realized she left the instructions back in the apartment and said, “You continue downstairs. I’ll go back and get them and show you how to check.”

Her mom told her not to and that she was not going to check her e-mail right now anyway. Still she said she would walk my wife and my son out. This is major progress as she was out of her apartment and downstairs where people socialize. I even think she is now planning on eating in the dinning room with everyone else. For some people that might not seem like much but for my mother-in-law, it is a major step.

Whining

This morning my son was in a whining mood. I hate when he whines and this was one of those days where everything turned into a whine. “I don’t want to get out of bed! I don’t want to eat breakfast! I don’t want to go to camp! I am hungry, but I don’t want to eat breakfast!”

I know we have all had those days where we have to deal with the constant whining of children, or other people we come in contact with during our daily lives. It is very frustrating. Like most people, whining just seems to go right through me.

Perhaps the most difficult and annoying however, is when you have to listen to a parent whine. I do not like listening to my child whine, but I understand it. But, when I have to listen to my mother-in-law whine, it is much more difficult. What is even more annoying about her whining is, often times she has the power to change this.

Before she suffered the stroke, when she was living on her own, I remember thinking how she would often refuse to recognize the reality of a situation. She used to complain that my wife and I do not let her watch our son enough. I would point out all the times that she did watch him and how it was helpful, but she refused to see it.

This has not changed. She will whine about there being nothing to eat at her facility. I have eaten there with her. I often check the menu. The have a wonderful variety and they give the residents many choices, each day, at meal time. My mother-in-law will whine about there being nothing to do and yet the facility sponsored many trips. Most of them she will not go on. She does usually go to the casinos, when that is the trip. She seems to enjoy herself, but will still whine that there is nothing to do and that she did not have a good time when she went to the casino.

As I said, I don’t like the whining from my son, but it is semi-age appropriate. I do not like whining from Grandma either, and it is not age appropriate.

Visiting Grandma

Yesterday I wanted to take my son over to see ‘Grandma’. My son is great with her. He enjoys seeing her and is perfectly willing to make a visit to her part of our Sunday routine. Things usually are better if I take him there than my wife. If she takes him to her mom’s, mom and grandma usually fight in front of him, and that is not good for anyone.

I called her yesterday after we were finished playing and wanted to come over for a few hours. She said she was not feeling well and did not want us to visit. While this has occurred at some times in the past, she truly enjoys seeing him and often cannot get enough time with him.

My wife thinks this was just grandma being depressed and not even caring about spending time with her grandson. I do not know if this is the case. She claimed she had a headache and was not up for company. My wife thinks it might have been better if we just went over there, and perhaps she is right, but at this point her mom seems to prefer it if we call first.

When my wife talked with her mom later in the day she said her mom did not sound too bad. Hopefully it is not a battle with depression that her mom is fighting right now. In fact, much to my surprise, my wife said after she picks up our son from camp she thought she might just take him over to see her. She indicated that she did not like that idea but thought it might be good for the two of them. I hope so.

I think what is important when caring for a parent is to make sure there are a number of visits and to get the whole family involved. As I stated above, just about every Sunday since my wife’s mother has been here, I have taken my son to see his grandmother. I wish there were more people here that could also visit. I truly think it would make a tremendous difference.

Important Papers

Not that long ago my wife went in for some minor surgery on her foot. My wife made sure to have her cell phone, her mother’s living will and her health care proxy. My wife does not go anywhere without them.

Sometimes I wish she would turn her phone off so she could get some sleep, or at least some rest. My wife refuses saying, “what if the assisted living place where my mom is needs to get a hold of me”. I have always felt they could wait an hour if they do not get an answer, but my wife refuses.

When she went in for the operation, she gave me her phone. Guess what? It rang and it was the assisted living facility where my mother-in-law is at. The called to tell her that her mother was not eating. She had recently had some dental surgery and her mouth was sore. Still, it was important for the healing process that she eat. More importantly, as a diabetic, she needs to eat on a regular basis. She refused. Of course they were telling me all of this because my wife was having the surgery.

It is interesting, following the surgery, my wife, instead of just relaxing, called the facility to get the low down and then called her mother to tell her she needed to eat. My mother-in-law agreed to do so. Still, I do not think she did. She did not come out of her apartment and they kept checking on her. Well, tat evening, they found her lying face down on the floor. They called 9-1-1.

My mother-in-law said she had tripped and that was all. I am not sure what tests the hospital did, but they apparently accepted her mom’s version of the story. It may be true, but I think it is important that hospitals, and doctors’ offices for that matter, do a full check. I wish they had kept her longer and done further tests but they let her go.

I thought back to when she first suffered the stroke. After not getting it checked out for a week, they examined her and determined she had two strokes, one recently and one a few years earlier. My mother-in-law had been to doctors between that time. It still bothers me that no one picked up on the earlier stroke until this later one.

It is important for people who are caring for parents to make sure that they get to care for themselves as well. It is important for people who are caring for parents to make sure that the doctors and hospitals do a full check on situations and it is important that people who are caring for parents have a copy of any important papers (such as a living will) close by. By doing this you will be helping everybody involved.

Explaining Bills

When it comes to taking care of our parents, it is important to keep excellent records. I am very impressed when I watch my wife take care of her mother’s affairs. I still wish she would try and let her mom do some of the stuff, but the fact is my wife makes sure everything is done.

My wife is also excellent at letting her mother know everything she has done. There might be people in such a position who would take advantage of a parent; there might be people in a similar situation who would make decisions for the parents, even if it is not what the parent wants. Not my wife. There are times where she knows it would be in her mother’s best interest to make a certain choice, however if her mom wants to do something else, my wife will do it on her behalf. She may try to argue with her mother and tell her why another option may be a better choice, but she carries out her mother’s wishers.

Usually when my wife wants to go over things with her mother, her mom will say, “It doesn’t matter”. Her mom will sometimes ask, and then as my wife starts to explain, she’ll say “just do it”. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law will later accuse her daughter of not letting her know what is happening or where things stand.

As I stated earlier, however, she does keep excellent records, so anytime her mom wants to go back over things, my wife is ready. Again, I think that my wife could do certain things to give her mother some independence but when it comes to a matter of making sure things get done, and that they get done correctly, her mom is in good hands; my wife is excellent at that.

Depression

I overheard a conversation this morning, between my wife and the assisted living facility where my mother-in-law is. Apparently it has been an issue because my mother-in-law has been depressed and basically has not been coming out of her apartment. She does have some food in her refrigerator and is eating something, although probably less than she should be.

They do keep an eye on her at the facility, but if depression is an issue, that for them is a concern. If she only stays inside, instead of socializing with the other residents there, that is also a concern. My wife made a comment to the case worker there that she expects them to kick her mom out by the end of the weekend and she is surprised they have not already done that.

I was surprised she said that, even if she felt that way. I learned from my parents that if you tell people something like this, they may, and often do, feel more comfortable doing it. If they through her out, my wife is the one who is going to have to find another place for her mother, and she really does not have time. I have offered to help but have basically been told to stay out of this. Of course, if I am living with people who are directly involved, I am involved, but that does not seem to get through to anyone.

I wish my mother-in-law would do something to help herself. She needs an antidepressant, but she will not take that “crazy nut medicine”. She needs to see a counselor but she will not go to that “crazy nut doctor”.

I wish my wife had a better grasp on how best to help with regard to this situation. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to the day to day decision and needing to keep on top of things, she is great. It is the little things, things like staying calm when talking with her mother, things like not telling a facility you are expecting them to kick out your mother, where she needs to get a better grasp.

Hopefully all will calm down, otherwise, this could be a very “interesting” weekend.

Don't Yell At Me

Earlier today, I was talking with my wife on her cell phone. It was a bad connection and I was unable to hear her. I asked her, at one point, if she was still there, and she screamed back at me that she was. The scream, however, was not a scream to be heard, it was one of anger and frustration with me for not hearing her.

“Don’t yell at me,” I said. Then I stopped and thought how I frequently hear her say that to her mother. She will get frustrated with her mother, let her mother know it, and then I will hear her say, from my end of the conversation, “Mom Don’t yell at me!”

Of course, no one (well most people) wants to be yelled out. Still, I think there are ways to cut down on the arguments and prevent people from getting angry,

First off, my wife needs to become a little more patient. She gets frustrated if her mother forgets something. Her mom had a stroke, she has memory issues and there needs to be some understanding.

“But, my mom was always like this,” she will say.

As far as I am concerned, even if that is true, you still need to cut her some slack. This is a different time and there are reasons. My wife is not willing to do that. I recall, before the stroke, when my mother-in-law was thinking about getting a computer. A friend of hers told her, “Okay, now you need to get your daughter to show you how to use it.”

My mother-in-law responded that she did not want her daughter to teach her, she wanted her son-in-law. I tend to be much more patient than my wife and really wish just a little of it would rub off on her. It would actually make her life easier because it would improve the relationship she has with her mother.

My wife also frequently works an overnight shift. She will make the mistake of calling her mother shortly after she gets off work and gets home. She has been awake all night, she is tired and exhausted and this is the time she chooses to deal with her mother. I never understood it.

I think changing these couple of things would cut down on the amount of screaming her mom does and make things better for everyone. I could, of course be wrong, but it would still help her stay calm, and that would help me stay calm. The situation would improve for everyone.

Enjoy What's There

I realize it is never easy to give up a certain amount of independence. I realize people often try to avoid admitting they cannot do things and they fight things all the way.

Having visited some assisted living home facilities, I know that they can be quite nice. They have a number of activities that take place, provide numerous socializing opportunities for the residents and really do what they can to make sure the residents enjoy living there.

In order to make this work, however, those people who live there have to be willing to take advantage of the programs. My mother-in-law refuses and often times just stays in her apartment. If you ask her what is taking place, she will tell you nothing, that there is nothing to do. The fact is, that is not true.

There are field trips to museums and sights in the area. Sometimes they go to casinos. They have meal outings. Sometimes they may just have a picnic outside the building, but they still do something a little different. These are all things that take place outside the facility. Inside, they try to have at least one movie a day, they have a number of games and eat their meals together. There is a swimming pool and an exercise room right at the facility.

The point is, there is plenty to do, yet when I ask my mother-in-law what she did, I usually get the same response that I do from my son when I asked him that question. The response is, “Nothing”. But even more frustrating than that is she will tell you there is nothing to do.

Yes, there are things that can be improved, but for the most part, it is a good facility. The people are concerned and caring. They provide many activities and programs for their residents.

If people need to be in such a facility, I can only hope they are willing to try some of the activities and allow themselves to enjoy it. They might be surprised.

"Gifting"

I strongly recommend talking with an attorney before moving into an assisted living facility (or an independent living facility or nursing home). Meeting with such a person is only part of the battle, however. It is also important to listen and take advice.

When my mother-in-law moved into such a facility, she had to sell her house to pay for it. Her attorney told her that she should gift out the money, and could do a certain amount each year. By doing this, it would get the money out of her name, which would help in terms of taxes as well as getting assistance to pay monthly expenses.

I understand the difficulty people have in doing this, although I am not sure my wife does, and this has led to more conflict between my mother-in-law and my wife. By gifting out the money, you now need to ask in order to get it back, someone else is in charge of, at least part, of your money. That is not an easy thing for anyone to do and especially difficult for someone who kept the books for other people.

My mother-in-law refused to gift out the money. When taxes where done this past year, they hit worse than expected because of liquidating some of the IRA’s and not having gifted out any money. Now, understanding she has only limited funds available to pay for the assisted living program, that will only last her a few years, she was willing (or at least said she was) to gift out some money.

My wife was in touch with the attorney who recommended she do this years ago. Now we find out from this attorney that the laws when it comes to gifting have changed and it may not be the best option. What has not changed is they still look back three years to see what was in your name then but is not now, hence it would have been beneficial to do this shortly after she suffered her stroke because the money would have been out of her name for three years and when they look back, it would have been free and clear of the timeframe.

My wife has a meeting with the attorney to see what, if anything, can now be done. I realize it is difficult to make such decisions but it is much worse to let pride get in the way and stop you from being able to help yourself.

Pushing Each Others Buttons

It is amazing how two people can be so close, yet so distant. When my mother-in-law suffered a stroke, my wife was running back and forth to check on her. She missed our son’s first day of Kindergarten, she missed time with him, but she took care of what needed to be taken care of and I was fine taking care of our son.

Following the stroke, her mom suffered anxiety issues and other problems and my wife was basically told by her mother’s doctor, that she needed to be moved into an assisted living home. My wife made the arrangements. She moved her mother to the area where we are living so her mom could see our son (her grandson) and so she could see her mom.

It would be wonderful if that were the end of the story, but it is not. My mother-in-law forgot before she moved up here that she admitted she could no longer live in a house and take care of herself without any assistance. While the woman has not suffered any more anxiety or panic attacks, she does not realize that the assisted living home is one of the reasons, because there is always someone around to deal with emergencies. My mother-in-law thinks she can do it all and does not need the facility.

My wife, on the other hand, does not realize she needs to give her mom some independence. My wife is great at taking care of things and keep meticulous records. Still, while she is happy to do it for her mom (my wife will say otherwise), she is doing it all. My mother-in-law needs to feel that she is still capable of doing some of this on her own, but my wife will not let her.

It is true that if my mother-in-law did some of this, things might get messed up a little, but my wife follows through on everything and checks bank information on the computer at least twice a day. The relationship between my wife and her mother has never been great. Yes, they love each other but I do not know if they like each other and they just know how to push each other’s buttons, either on purpose, or simply accidental.

It is very interesting, and at times frustrating, living this situation. I keep hoping eventually they will each learn how to deal appropriately with the other, how to understand each is just trying to help. I doubt that I will ever see that day, but I will continue to hope.

Seeing a Counselor

Being the spouse of someone who is parenting a parent is not easy. It is, of course, difficult for my spouse, who has to do a number of things for her mother. It is difficult for my mother-in-law who does not want to lose her independence and does not want to admit she can no longer do the things she once did. The tension is very thick between the two of them.

What is often overlooked is the role it plays on other people in the family who are not involved in the day to day decisions. I am, to an extent, involved in the care she is getting as I bring my son, her grandson, over at least once a week and we spend time together. I hear my wife complain, I hear my mother-in-law complain and I am in the middle.

The fact is, there are a number of support groups for people who are affected by certain situation, even if they are not the ones who created them. For instance, growing up I remember hearing the commercials for Al-A-Non, this was for family and friends of people who were alcoholics. There are similar programs for families of people who are drug addicts. I do not know if there is a support group for family and friends of people in this situation, but there are options.

One can just talk with friends to voice frustration. One can blog, as I do, and look for other blogs just to be able to get their point across. One can look for support groups. One can also talk with a counselor. While the people directly involved may need a counselor more, family members and friends of people in this situation may find a counselor helpful.

I recently started seeing a counselor to discuss my frustrations. I am suffering, I think, from some mild anxiety issues and I wanted to get them under control before they get worse, or out of hand. As a result, I decided I needed to see someone to voice my frustrations. It certainly has helped and I would urge people in my situation to see someone. I would also urge the parties involved (in my case, my mother-in-law and my wife) to see someone as well. I think it would help them both tremendously. Still, I cannot control what they do and sometimes I better off not even making suggestions. I can, however, control what I do, and that is just what I’m doing.

Parenting Our Parents

My father always told me that it is diffiuclt when the children need to become parents to their parents. The roles change and it is easy for no one. The parent is used to telling the child what should be done. Even as the child grows up and becomes an adult, the parent still often maintaints some control over their offspring.

It is not easy for the child either. The child is used to turning to the parent in times of trouble for help. The child looks to the parent for guidance. Often times, when children needs to parent their parents, the child has children of his or her own and not that much time to devote. It is a very difficult situation.

I guess both fortunately and unfortunately (because I would have loved to have spent more time with my parents), I never had to deal with this, directly anyways, since both my parents passed away before they were in that situation. My wife on the other hand has to play this role for her mother and her mother hates it and resents my wife for doing it. It is not easy. It is not easy for my wife, it is not easy for my mother-in-law, and as someone who is living in the middle of the situation, it is not easy for me.

This blog is designed to discuss such issues, to allow others who might be in similar situations to vent, and quite honestly to allow myself to vent as well. I think, and hope, it will be beneficial.